


Virtual Isolation Correlation

by hazelra7



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:07:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 87,694
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27393973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazelra7/pseuds/hazelra7
Summary: In September 2019, Sheldon finds a cell phone and begins a virtual relationship with a mysterious woman who will challenge and excite him. During their anonymous relationship, Sheldon's growing need for companionship will shape this budding friendship. Will the new relationship survive the strain of isolation of 2020, or will Sheldon be the last of friends alone.
Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Amy Farrah Fowler
Comments: 22
Kudos: 63





	1. No Service

**Author's Note:**

> Hello Fanfic friends. I'm posting here since Fanfiction.net is fubar. I hope you enjoy my scribbles.

Sheldon

It was a scorching Friday afternoon in late September and though summer had well passed in Pasadena, there had been a surge in the temperature that day to 105 degrees. Sheldon was not looking forward to the hot car ride after work in such unusual weather conditions. However, instead of going home, Leonard wheezed something about not being able to breathe, and insisted on refilling his inhaler at a different drug store nearby work as he didn't want to drive the extra 10 blocks to the one Sheldon normally patronized to restock the medicine cabinet and had his prescription.

One thing Sheldon hated: Changes in his routine and Leonard had been pushing it lately with his impromptu marriage to Penny, their sporadic living arrangements and finally he had had the temerity to suggest that he and Penny move into 4A and Sheldon move into Penny's apartment. Not in any universe could Sheldon imagine that. Added to all of that had been rescheduled dinner nights due to "family obligations" and Raj's frequent trips to India to find a bride disrupted game nights more than once. This detour of Leonard's was another in a long line of changes and Sheldon was just about to crack; again.

After stopping the car in front of some strip mall off Colorado Blvd, Leonard selfishly rushed into the drug store, leaving Sheldon alone in the sauna-like car interior.

Sheldon was no stranger to heat. Being from West Texas, one becomes accustomed to air stealing weather, but it had been over 25 years since he had lived in that flaming swamp and heat was no longer his friend. Right now, the stickiness alone was driving him crazy. Even his forearms were sweaty and he briefly wished that he didn't insist on wearing an undershirt every day, and then realized the heat must be affecting his thinking processes as this was a habit he would never break.

His attire was part of his routine, and he saw no reason to change anything other than the logo of his t-shirt. Ironically today he was wearing his black melting Rubik's cube which seemed particularly apropos at that moment. So knowing that it was only a matter of time before he succumbed to the elements, he left the car to purchase a bottle of cool water from the coffee shop near where they had parked. In fact as he made his way towards the door of the café he thought that he might need to purchase two bottles: One to drink and, if Leonard didn't return from his false emergency soon, one to pour one over his head.

As Sheldon approached the door of the coffee shop, he looked down and almost stepped on a cell phone lying on the ground. He looked around for the owner, but the empty streets just reinforced his view that no intelligent person would be out in this heat. Uncharacteristically, he bent to pick up the phone and noticed that it was sheathed in a sturdy protective case, and seemed undamaged. Without thinking, he wiped the back on his moist sleeve, then realizing what he had done wondered why he had not used the hand sanitizer and spare rubber gloves in his bag, the heat had obviously affected his thinking process. God knows what pathogens enveloped this device.

He walked into the coffee shop and purchased two bottles of water, but couldn't take his eyes off the phone in his hand. He moved to one of the tables closest to the air conditioning vent and began to investigate the misplaced gadget. Maybe he could find out who it belonged to by going through the texts or calls. Possibly one of the numbers would be HOME or WIFE or something that might help him identify the owner. After all, Sheldon was a southern gentleman, and a gentleman would return lost property, unless it was the Ring of Power from Lord of the Rings, then all bets were off.

The phone was not locked and appeared fairly new. It was either that or the person who owned it didn't have a friend in the world as there were no contacts, no pictures and no other means by which he could glean any information about the owner. The only bit of data was outgoing and a number of missed calls, none of which had a name attached. However, two numbers had been calling constantly for the last 10 minutes.

Sheldon debated whether he should call the numbers, but just as he had decided against it, the phone rang and without thinking, he swiped the screen to accept the call. However, before he could say a word, he heard a gruff-voiced man jump in:

"Oh hey! I'm so glad you answered. Look, I'm sorry the date ended the way it did. Yeah, I know your cousin's wedding was a little weird. And perhaps catching me with her in the backroom may have been a bit of a shock! I don't know how, but it just happened, ya know. Please don't tell her husband I banged her. I think his family is connected if you know what I mean!"

Sheldon was too shocked to say a word, as the man continued his ranting, "I really was having such a great time talking to you though I couldn't understand half of what you were sayin'. I know... I know... I shouldn't have grabbed your ass. But in my defense, it really is a marvelous one."

Sheldon's face looked as if he had eaten an unripe lemon, "Um... excuse me, why would you grab this person's posterior?"

"Who the hell is this?" the man on the other end of the line sounded taciturn and decidedly unintelligent given that he did not answer Sheldon's question.

"I'm Sheldon. Who is this?"

"I thought this was the chick who I just had a date with at her cousin's wedding! She took off after she swung her purse in my face. God, what the hell did she have in there, books? I think I am going to have a black eye! Mind you, I don't think finding me with her cousin later helped the situation."

Sheldon was indifferent to this scallywag's complaints over well-deserved pain. He was obviously a cad since he felt it was appropriate to grab a woman's posterior. Sheldon had enough of that kind of behavior from his friend Howard, who had gotten Sheldon kicked out of the Bakersfield Comic Convention. During that ill-fated trip, Howard had groped one Cat Woman, but Sheldon had been advised that it was Sheldon's lecture to her Spiderman boyfriend on the benefits of not mixing the DC and Marvel Universes, that had caused the problem, rather than the assault on his girlfriend's honor.

Hearing the caller's heavy breathing, Sheldon's attention was brought back to the point of the call and he answered curtly, "Well, whatever was in her bag then is immaterial since her phone is not in it now. I assumed she dropped it. I am attempting to track her down to return the device to her. Do you know her name?" Sheldon was tempted to add, "Or were you too busy manhandling her to give it any thought", however, he needed information, so surprisingly he held his tongue.

Sheldon thought that the caller had hung up as there was silence for almost 20 seconds, but then the man answered and even Sheldon recognized the sneer in his voice, "Listen dude. I don't know who you are, but I'm in enough trouble as it is. I ain't telling you shit. Let's just say her name is...'Ballsy Babe' and leave it at that."

"Fair enough, but I think I like Moxie more." Sheldon had always loved that name as it reminded him of the bottle of pop by the same name that his Meemaw would sneak him when they went to the local Woolworths.

"Well that sounds like a hooker's name, it's too bad I didn't get to know her better. Anyway, I'll tell her cousin to tell her you found her phone."

Sheldon asked, "You're going to see her cousin again, what about her husband?"

"Erm.. you're right... You're on your own. If you ever do find her, tell her that Mr. Swinging-low said he was sorry for grabbing her ass. I mean, I should have waited for the next date."

"I'm sure she would agree. If I find her, I will tell her. Thank you." Sheldon hung up quickly muttering "for nothing" as he took a large drink of his now tepid water.

He looked out of the window to the car, and seeing that Leonard had not yet returned he was just about to bite the bullet and dial the second missed an incoming number when the phone tone signaled he had a text. Sheldon debated on whether he should read it, but he felt that it was the only clue he could follow.

He chuckled as he read the text:

"Listen up, you miscreant! I know you have my phone, I can track it on my computer! You are at the coffee shop down the street from the wedding! I have tried calling a number of times but with no result so am now reduced to texting. Just because you have an overabundance of testosterone pulsing through you is no excuse for being an arrogant ass! Not only did I have to listen to you chatter about mindless minutia for 30 minutes, but you then showed your true nature by having coitus with my cousin. The same cousin whose wedding we were attending! Groping women without their permission and stealing their phones is really over the line, even for a knuckle dragger like you! You don't even have the looks to back up your satyriasis nature, you letch! Don't you think I won't call the police!"

Sheldon smiled as he immediately typed a message back:

"Dear phone owner, this is not the Neanderthal who groped you. This is the person who found your phone. However, your overly affectionate date did call you while I was in possession of your phone, and wanted me to tell you that he offered a heartfelt apology for his behavior and the posterior grabbing. He begs for forgiveness and for you not to describe his boorish behavior to the husband of your cousin. He did not say it as eloquently as that, but you get the gist. Personally, I think you were in your rights to smack the masher and I hope your cousin's husband gets a lawyer soon."

It took a few seconds, before Sheldon got a text back:

"Oh dear. Forgive my outburst and the obvious statement, but you found my phone?"

"Nothing to forgive. You had no idea you were not communicating with that boorish brute, instead of the Good Samaritan who just wants to return your phone. To wit, how can I get this back to you? If you give me your name and address I can mail it to you."

"Thank you for retrieving my phone but I would rather not give my name or my address to a stranger if you don't mind."

"That is quite understandable, given your recent experience. I am in the coffee shop on Eagle Rock Blvd, which I think that you have already established from your tracking device. Nicely done."

"Thank you. If you could leave the phone at the coffee shop, I would be in your debt."

Strangely, Sheldon felt twinge of regret. For some reason he was interested in meeting this person and just leaving her phone seemed so final. However, through the window of the café, he could see that Leonard was standing at the car and looking around for him so he knew he had little time left. He texted back that he would leave the phone with the counter attendant and inform her that Ms. Moxie would be picking it up.

"Ms. Moxie?"

"Yes, it is far better than the name that man wanted to give you. Something to do with balls, but I doubt you are into sports. Ergo, Ms. Moxie for clocking the masher across the face. I am assuming it is Ms. Not Mrs. Unless infidelity runs in your family."

"It most certainly does not! It is definitely Ms., and will be for the foreseeable future, given my date today. My cousin's fifth wedding is a symptom of her condition. While I don't object to the concept of a wedding, I am baffled by the notion of one that takes place at a bowling alley. She looks for love in all the wrong places, as has been proven today. Love is a powerful drug for some."

"Well, I agree on both counts, the bowling alley and looking for love. I love koalas, but you don't see me tramping around to all the zoos."

"Well, my date was acting like an animal. He was even doing the deed with my cousin similar to a canine."

Sheldon viewed her text with a confused scowl. "I don't know what that means."

"Never mind. Thank you again, stranger. I think I should call you Phascolarctos Cineriusphile but that seems too lengthy."

"It does, though I do love Koalas, therefore a name depicting a fondness of koalas seems apropos."

"Well if I speak to you again, I might call you Marsupialophile. Just to save time. Good day."

"Good day."

Sheldon's smile had not abated since he had received the first text and as he put the phone down, he stared at it almost mesmerized. The phone itself seemed to be as fascinating to him as its owner. It had no girly sparkles like Penny's phone, and no silly wallpapers of smiling cats or other such frilly nonsense. Finally, noticing that Leonard was now pacing in front of the car, he quickly went to the main screen, memorized the number and handed the phone to the girl behind the counter.

"Uh, excuse me. I found this phone, and the owner will be coming to retrieve it. Her name is... Well, I don't know her name, but she goes by the name Ms. Moxie?"

The shop girl, whose name badge indicated that her name was 'Demona', looked up from her magazine. Her nose piecing and full sleeve tattoos weren't as shocking as her slack jawed response to Sheldon's perfectly pronounced syllables, "What? Boxie?"

Sheldon shook his head, "I weep for the future... Never mind...Just call her Moxie, okay?"

"OH! Okay. I'll save it for her." Reluctantly he handed the phone to the young girl with the vacant eyes. But as the girl grasped the phone, Sheldon couldn't let go. He seriously doubted whether this Demona person would remember his instructions or worse still, pocket the phone herself.

Leonard's shrill voice broke the staring contest and tug of war that Sheldon was having with coffee shop attendant.

"There you are! Geez, Sheldon! What are you doing? I had another asthma attack looking for you in this heat!" Leonard was panting and leaning on a table, but Sheldon ignored him, and continued his struggle with the counter girl.

Eventually, Sheldon realized that he had little choice here. He released the phone, and watched as Demona pulled it back and placed it under the counter. Leonard called out to him again but Sheldon continued to ignore him as he narrowed his eyes at the girl who was now popping her gum.

"Hey! Anyone can get it there! You need to lock it up!"

"Dude, you need to be locked up! It's fine. Chill." Her deadpan expression showed no signs that she was in the least bit worried about Ms. Moxie's phone, or Sheldon's feelings on the matter. One more gum pop and Sheldon was about ready to blow.

"No! I will not chill! She expects her phone to be safe!"

"Whatever, look Mister. I will leave it in the register." Demona shoved the phone in the slot for the twenties and slammed the drawer closed giving him a fake smile Sheldon. "Happy?"

"Not usually." Sheldon glared at her.

"I can believe that." She walked off to help the customer who had been waiting for her latte for the last 10 minutes.

Leonard approached Sheldon at the counter and with a wheeze, he asked, "What the hell are you doing, Sheldon! I've been looking for you for hours!"

"Don't exaggerate, Leonard. It has only been 10 minutes since you came back to the car."

Leonard took another puff from his new inhaler and screamed at Sheldon, "YOU SAW ME! And you didn't come out?! Sheldon that is so heartless! Even for you."

Sheldon looked down for a moment, then handed Leonard the extra bottle of water he had purchased, "Here."

Leonard took the water and shook his head, stunned, "You got me a bottle of water?"

Sheldon's eyes darted around as he quickly moved toward the door, and said, "Ah.. yeah... Let's say that. Ready to go?"

Leonard shoved his inhaler into his pocket and followed Sheldon muttering, "Yeah.. I'm ready. I've been ready... Sheldon!"

They walked back to the car, but not before Sheldon looked through the coffee shop window once more at Demona and shot her another glare. She showed him her teeth as she continued to make the overdue latte.

After a visit to the comic book store to meet up with Howard and Raj, and a stop at the local Chinese for takeout food, the group made their way back to the apartment for vintage game night. By then it had been two hours since Sheldon had found Moxie's phone.

Sheldon placed the food on the coffee table and sat in his spot as the others settled down to their usual routine of sorting out their orders. A routine they had practiced every Friday evening (not including annoying cancelations) for the last 10 years even though it seemed that each one of his friends had moved on with their lives. Howard and Bernadette were married with two children, and though Leonard still technically lived with Sheldon, he now spent most of his time at 4B with Penny. Both ladies were enjoying their usual Friday night at Penny's in a girly gathering probably cooing over the children, and talking about such ridiculous nonsense as Leonard and Penny's recent marriage. Raj was still single so at least one thing hadn't changed. The room hummed with inconsequential things that Sheldon cared little about. He thought about the intriguing stranger whose phone he found. He pulled out his phone, entered the number he had memorized, and texted the following:

"Hello lost phone. I certainly hope you have found your owner, and that you are now safe with her. I was none too pleased to leave you with that coffee shop girl, but alas that was all I could do. If you are home and safe, please text back. Thank you, Marsupialophile."

Sheldon placed his phone on the coffee table as Leonard brought him proper mustard and high sodium soy sauce to accompany his dinner. Looking at the phone in confusion, Leonard asked, "Who are you texting?"

"No one. Just a phone." He begrudgingly poured high sodium soy sauce on his dinner, but he kept one eye on the phone.

"Sheldon, that is strange, even for you. Tell me the truth, are you complaining to Time Warner Cable again? I told you, we switched last year, and they don't care that we missed that episode of Agents of Shield!"

"NO! I'm not..." But Sheldon's reply was cut off by the text alert tone from his phone. He smiled instantly when he recognized the incoming number.

"Dear Marsupialophile, yes I am home safe with my owner. I was purchased less than week ago, and it would have caused her great expense to get a replacement for me. She was pleased that you had texted her as she wanted to thank you for rescuing me from what surely could have been a horrible fate. It's so nice when someone does an unexpected good deed, that it seems as if a simple thank you just doesn't seem enough."

Sheldon read the text as Leonard brought him over a drink, a purple liquid Sheldon hadn't seen in years, "Leonard, is this grape Nehi?"

Leonard shrugged as he poked his food around, unaware of his roommate's broadening smile, "Yeah, I saw it at the drug store and picked some up."

Sheldon rubbed the bottle label with his thumb in a nostalgic haze. "Reminds me of Moxie soda pop... Thank you Leonard. That was unexpected."

The guys looked up in shock at this rare expression of gratitude, but Sheldon was already back on his phone, texting furiously,

"May I speak with your owner, or is she otherwise occupied?"

Sheldon took one bite of his dinner, but quickly grabbed the phone when the alert came on.

"Hello Marsupialophile. Thank you again."

"You are most welcome. I hope you have a pleasant evening planned to recover from your traumatic day."

Sheldon placed the phone down, took one more bite of his food, but his eye never left the device. He quickly grabbed the phone when he heard the alert again.

"I do. I am going to read a fascinating article from the Journal of Organic Chemistry, while drinking a cup of black tea and enjoying a bath. Seeing as my tap water tends to be more alkaline and the tea more acidic, the article I am reading about Aerobic Nickel-Catalyzed Hydroxysulfonylation of Alkenes Using Sodium Sulfinates seems appropriate."

Sheldon drew in a long breath and licked his lips to hide a spreading grin that Leonard, at least, couldn't help but notice. Sheldon took one more large bite from his dinner and put it down in favor of his phone.

There were three strange things about Sheldon that night: His dinner was forgotten, he never took his eyes off his phone, and the smile never left his face.

###


	2. Nextelling who it is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is Moxie's POV for the same event.

Moxie:

She entered the apartment after the failed date and threw her bag on the couch. She knew she should never have agreed to see that cretin, but her family had insisted she get out of the house and this stupid date was their idea. Her father had even bought her an expensive new phone to help her get socially connected to the outside world, but she wished he hadn't spent the money. She decided to call her parents and inform them in no uncertain terms would she ever go out again.

But what could she say without telling them that their favorite niece, Cyndi had lived up to her nickname, Cyn, and had broken her marriage vows at break-neck speed? How could she tell them that the date had ended in disaster? She still had the bruises from his man handling. Never again, she vowed, never again. She needed to learn to say no.

Why on earth had she agreed to go on a date, and to a wedding at a bowling alley no less. Her cousin had arranged the date at the behest of her parents; however Cyndi had probably only invited her to the wedding as a plus one for her ex-lover in an attempt to woe him back to her bed. One last hurrah before she "settled down" with the unsuspecting Walter from accounting who couldn't bowl a strike with a cannon ball. Walter was a nice chap, kinda of shy, but that meant she had even more sympathy for him.

Her negligent date had picked her up 20 minutes late in a beat-up old Dodge pickup with the check oil light on. She tried to have a conversation with him, telling him about her work, but within minutes, she realized that he was a sloppy moron who couldn't string a cogent thought together without a rope, and that he only understood half of what she was saying. That should have been the first sign to get out. The second was when he grabbed her ass as he helped her out of the jalopy. She smashed him across the face, and headed toward the wedding, intending to give her regards to the family before calling a taxi.

She had started to panic the moment she stepped into the crowded bowling hall brimming with wedding attendants. Years had passed since she had been around that many people let alone in a wooden-pin banging echo chamber. She didn't plan on bowling, so there had been no need to get used shoes from the counter, but still the crowd seemed to engulf and smother her. She felt a bead of sweat drip down her forehead as her heart rate rose exponentially with the size of the group surrounding her. She wiped her wet palms on her dress, and counted the breaths she could draw in without passing out. Her eyes darted around the room looking at the sea of faces wondering if anyone even noticed her in her best maroon dress and if so what did they think. She didn't know what was worse, being ignored for being too boring, or being judged because of it. She needed oxygen. She needed to get away. She needed to escape the sticky smell of stale beer, burnt fryer oil, and athlete-foot spray. She needed to get back to her apartment with her books, a warm blanket, and a full cup of tea.

She had tried to find a small room with no one around so she could catch her breath, before saying a brief hello to her folks. An unlocked room off the bowling hall seemed perfect, but that's when she found her date and her cousin Cyndi, he with his pants around his ankles and she with her flouncy wedding dress tossed over her head as he slammed himself into Cyndi like a ball going for strike. She was only grateful that her cousin's groom, Walter was not a witness to this messy and carnal display, but Walter seemed busy entertaining the family and bowling 7-10 splits, as her cousin Cyndi should have been.

She knew that the busy couple would not miss her, so she left the noise of the bowling hall and took off down the road on foot in the air stealing heat. She had stopped for a moment in front of a coffee shop on Eagle Rock Blvd. She was as hot as the weather; almost 104 degrees out. Only a fool would be out in such weather, and she had almost been tempted to go in for a glass of tepid water. Instead she decided to call a cab.

So after an expensive taxi ride back to her nice quiet and calm apartment she decided she better bite the bullet and call her parents, informing them that the date was a bust. Looking for her phone she thought the device must be lost at the bottom of her purse, she dumped the contents of it out on the couch, checked her pockets and the floor. Then decided to use the find your phone app to track it down. She knew her father had activated the app which she felt was an invasion of her privacy. However, she had not bothered to deactivate it as she seldom went anywhere. She spent her days in her apartment or at work. She ate at home, and shopped online.

Her phone, however, had gone on its own journey and seemed to be having coffee at a café in Eagle Rock. That Neanderthal had stolen her phone, but what he was doing in a coffee shop was a mystery. She called the phone a number of times, but the ape man ignored her calls. Getting angrier by the minute, she was in no mood to articulate a voice message, so she decided to send a text from her computer. She wrote a terse message and as soon as she hit send, she went to her room to change out of her best dress, but an alert sound called her attention back to her computer. She wondered what the womanizer had to say, but was surprised to read a text message from a stranger. She must have dropped her phone when the cab picked her up and someone else had found it. He must have been a fast typist to reply so quickly. She had to giggle at his defense of her when he said, "within your rights to smack the masher." Good grammar she thought.

Should she reply, or just let it go. She could have purchased another phone if needed, but it was a present from her father despite his reason for giving it to her, also she was mortified that a stranger had gotten a taste of her anger, and the tone of his message intrigued her.

She wrote him back, and he wanted to get her address.

She could give it to him. He probably would just send the phone back, no questions asked. But what if he didn't? What if he wanted to deliver it in person? She couldn't risk it. She knew nothing about him. He could be an ax murderer or even worse someone as bad as her last date. She typed back:

"Thank you for retrieving my phone but I would rather not give my name or my address to a stranger, if you don't mind."

She was relieved when he said he would leave the phone at the coffee shop, but why would he use the name "Ms. Moxie". The last time she had heard the word Moxie, was in an old movie with Ronald Coleman from 1948. She typed back and asked him about it.

"Ms. Moxie?"

"Yes, it is far better than the name that man wanted to give you. Something to do with balls, but I doubt you are into sports. Ergo, Ms. Moxie for clocking the masher across the face. I am assuming it is Ms. Not Mrs. Unless infidelity runs in your family."

This stranger already thinks she comes from a family of misfits. There was no way she would let him think such nonsense about her. Did she want to get married? Sure, but she also wanted to meet the Easter Bunny and take a ride in Santa's sleigh. All three seemed equally likely. Relationships, whether romantic or otherwise didn't interest her. She had tried the dating scene, even a few dating sites which had set her up with a promising prospect about four years ago, that date stood her up. Since then, she avoided all social entanglements. Trust was earned, and humanity had not yet shown to be worthy of the price

However, this stranger was easy to talk to and their brief conversation had made her smile; the first time in years and her face almost forgot how to make the motion. A passing moment she would relish.

She intended to go and retrieve the phone and wondered if he might still be there waiting for her. Logically, she knew that there was no way she would see him at a coffee shop; but a twinge of hope entered her heart. Pushing the unfamiliar feeling away, she put on her more comfortable attire and combed her long hair. In the bottom of her bathroom drawer, she found some lipstick and hesitated about putting some on her lips, but shaking her head at her folly, she replaced the unused item in the draw. She spent more time getting ready to pick up her phone than she had done on the failed date.

The drive gave her time to regret that she had lost the opportunity to thank the kind stranger. Why had she not asked him for his number but if she had what then, she sighed.

She wondered what he looked like, what his background would be. Was he married, or 75 years old, or a motorcycle riding hunk straight out of an erotic novel. He was a blank canvas, which intrigued her.

When she arrived at the coffee it was late afternoon and looking through the glass windows, she saw that it was virtually empty. There was one rather large man reading a book and sipping a latte in the corner. As she walked, a little nervously, toward the door, she wondered if that was he, waiting to meet her. When she saw the title of the book he was reading, "How to speak good to women" she knew that it couldn't be he.

She marched to the counter and asked the tattooed Barista if there was a phone left for Ms. Moxie. At first, her blank expression worried her. It was an expensive phone, had the young lady decided to keep it for herself.

However, she opened the register, and with a gum pop said in a flat monotone voice, "Oh yes! That crazy guy left it for you."

"Crazy?" She hesitated as she took the phone from the barista.

"Yeah. Just no chill. He thought I was going to steal it."

"Well thank you for not stealing it."

"Yeah. Anyway, crazy or not… he had nice eyes". The girl with the name tag, Demona, chuckled, and looked less threatening as she left to attend to a new customer. Ms. Moxie didn't leave the café for a few minutes. She looked around the near-empty room and let out a sigh.

For some reason, the quiet drive home seemed longer than normal. She stopped at a local restaurant for takeout and drove back to the apartment. She placed her food and bag on the table, and taking out her phone she wondered if the thumb print on the glass was hers or his. She wiped it off with a micro fiber cloth, and started to place out her food. She thought about putting on some music, but silence seemed a better companion. She pushed around the rice on her plate, and made a fractal pattern in the grains.

After she finished her dinner and washed the dishes, she put on the kettle and ran a hot bath. She remembered that she hadn't finished the article on Aerobic Nickel-Catalyzed Hydroxysulfonylation of Alkenes Using Sodium Sulfinates. Taking her cup of tea and the article to the bathroom she heard a strange sound that distracted her. She looked up at the smoke alarm, wondering if the steam from the bath had triggered it. She checked the alarm in the living room as well, when a second alert sounded coming from her bag. It was a soft ping, like a chirp of a bird. It was the phone.

She walked back to her couch to pick up the phone. It would be her parents; they were the only people who knew the number. They would be keen to hear about her date, and worried that she had not called before. She was right, there was a text from her mother, but there was a second message from an unknown number. She opened the text and broad a smile blossomed on her face. The text from her mother, her tea and bath were all forgotten.


	3. Holler Box

_**Sheldon** _

Almost a week had passed since Sheldon had found the phone and what began as a friendly check-in with a kind stranger had morphed into a full-blown virtual relationship.

The odd anonymous friendship with the phone's owner had started with the occasional texts about scientific facts, during which she had briefly mentioned having a passing interest in atomic spectroscopy but that a recent lecture she had attended had bored her.

Sheldon had almost terminated their texting right then and there, reasoning that anyone who did not find atomic spectroscopy interesting wouldn't be worth his precious time. However before he could act on that thought, she had added that the cause of her lack of interest was as a result of the fact that the lecturer didn't know what he was talking about and she had had to correct him several times. At that point Sheldon's admiration for her increased substantially. Sheldon adored anyone who corrected and humiliated lecturers who did not know their subject.

As the week had worn on, their initial daily contact had increased as Sheldon found that he craved more than once a day communication with the mysterious stranger. She responded in kind. Their correspondence consisted of Sheldon's commenting on random facts which Ms. Moxie seemed to thrive on, a welcome change to the failed attempts to expand his current circle of friends' knowledge with his interesting factoids.

Their intellectual duels were an alluring challenge for Sheldon and he would often stay up late searching the internet to find something unusual that he hoped she would find as interesting as he did.

And so they trafficked in knowledge, exchanging links to history articles and literary reviews but it was always an exchange of facts rather than personal data, and to Sheldon, the conversations were a brief respite from the banalities of his usual banter with his friends.

Nevertheless, from the start of their texting exchange, Sheldon could not help but be curious about his new friend. But no matter what personal questions he asked, she always managed to evade a direct answer crafting the conversation away from any exchange of personal information.

He knew she was brilliant, but nothing else; not even her name. Well, he had learned one fact. That she could tie a cherry stem into a knot with just her tongue. No doubt an amazing feat, but hardly personal knowledge.

Despite their increased exchange of, albeit intelligent, interesting and amusing information, Ms. Moxie remained a mystery to Sheldon and the lack of any mutual personal knowledge was becoming an itch that Sheldon needed to scratch. However as the week drew to a close, he received a text from Ms. Moxie in which she expressed some interest in the strange form of Japanese art form called Doradango. Suddenly he thought he saw an opportunity to gain more personal information.

_"How did you learn about Doradango? Did you live in Japan?"_

**_"No, I did not, but one can learn about cultural art forms without travel, don't you agree?"_ **

_"Yes. I enjoy Tuvan throat singing, though I have never been to Mongolia. But back to the topic. As I understand it, you polish the ball of dirt until it shines? Talk about polishing a turd, as my daddy would have said."_

**_"That's very funny, Marsupialophile."_ **

_"Thank you."_

**_"I have never polished a turd, but I imagine the process is similar. Actually it is very delicate work. Fine grains of sand are used to polish the mud so that it looks like a shiny rock, but looks can be deceiving, as it is quite fragile. I think it speaks to our nature. We are made of the bits and detritus of our environment. How we mold it, shapes our identity."_ **

_"Would your nature be like a lump of mud polished to shine; easily broken?"_

**_"Aren't we all?"_ **

_"I would think I am more solid than that."_ Sheldon texted back with pride.

**_"Or you appear to be."_ **

_"Well said. When you are done with the rock, would you put your name on it?"_

**_"Yes, if I could, but there is something so sublime about seeing a dirty mass of dirt polished to a perfect sphere."_ **

_"And pray tell, what would that name be?"_ Sheldon could feel his grip tighten on his phone as he watched the three little dots that indicated she was responding, but the 45 seconds tortured him.

Finally her answer appeared on his screen **, " _Moxie's mud, if you must know."_**

Sheldon smiled with a hint of disappointment and said to himself, "Sublime indeed."

Another group dinner arrived before he had the opportunity to gather any more clues about her background. Leonard and Penny had gone to a movie after dinner. Sheldon, having declined their halfhearted invitation to join them, sat in his spot enjoying the silence left by their absence before contacting Ms. Moxie.

Their conversation started off as it always did, with the question of the day, this one revolving around beverages. After a rather energetic debate over which state had the best iced tea. Sheldon insisting on Texas, with Ms. Moxie being adamant that it was the mint tea from Virginia that she enjoyed. This seemed too good an opportunity to miss to delve into the deep well of Ms. Moxie's background. So taking a quick sip of his chosen beverage in honor of the question in hand, he eagerly typed:

_"It would be wonderful to know more about your background Ms. Moxie, so I can convince you of the merits of Texan Tea."_

**_"I thought Texas Tea was Oil, at least that's what the Beverly Hillbillies taught us."_ **

_"I don't know them. Are they a country band?"_

**_"Never mind, it's a pop culture reference. I will send you another link to IMDB."_ **

_"Thank you. I love how you help me broaden my horizons and extend my knowledge of areas I had not previously thought worthy of my interest"_

Sheldon gripped his phone tightly, and typed:

_"And speaking of interest, I really would like to know more about you. I can assure you, I am not a crazed stalker or worse, an Amway salesman."_

**_"Oh dear! AMWAY! I would not like that."_ **

_"Neither would I. My mother got roped into that pyramid scheme after church one evening, and we had enough vitamins to turn one's urine into a kaleidoscope of colors."_

**_"I avoid artificial vitamins and prefer my intake of nutrients the old fashioned way."_ **

Moxie was also very good at avoiding a subject, Sheldon noticed.

_"As do I, but back to the original topic. I really would like to get to know more about you by starting with the - as you have said - 'old fashioned way."_

**_"Excuse me?"_ **

_"The old fashion way. You know, Hello my name is... fill in the blank."_

**_"Oh that."_ **

_"I think that would make our conversations more interesting."_

Sheldon moved over to his computer and opened a browser preparing to type in her name as soon as she sent it so he could find out all about her.

**_"I disagree, not knowing something about me opens up a wealth of opportunities for discussions on uncharted territories. I know that the first thing you would do is Google me and so knowing something about me might censor your inquiries. And do you really want to tell a perfect stranger everything about yourself?"_ **

Sheldon closed his laptop in frustration, and then responded.

_"There is a wealth of extremely interesting information that strangers should know about me."_

**_"I'm sure you are fascinating, but let that be discovered. No assumptions. The anonymity will allow you to say anything you want, without judgment."_ **

Sheldon wasn't quite ready to give up on knowing everything since it was 'kinda his thing'. It vexed him that not only was he still in the dark about her, but also that she had managed to circumnavigate him yet again. But what agitated him more was that she knew nothing about **him**. She never asked him personal questions. He was a marvel and she should know his brilliance or at least his stellar accomplishments.

_"But if you don't know anything about me, how will you know I have two doctorates or that I hate botany?"_

**_"What if you found out I was a Botanist?"_ **

Sheldon hesitated, disliking the flavor of disappointment that even his favored Texas tea could not dislodge. However, deciding that she would be worth putting up with some plants, as long as it wasn't a Venus Fly Trap, he would tolerate it, he responded.

_"I would try not to hold it against you and curb my disdain."_

**_"As easy as it is to hide emotions over text, I might still know. And so I would never speak to you about anything to do with plants and then you would never know that I have read the Secret Life of Plants or The Botany of Desire (a Plant's eye view of the world) and as a result now have a better understanding of Irish potato famine or about human desire. We would never discuss it. This way, our conversations will be freer flowing. Who knows what we will learn?"_ **

_"A book about desire and botany sounds like an oxymoron."_

**_"My point is that you shouldn't limit yourself. What if you found out I was a geologist or even a Biologist?"_ **

_"Again, I would exercise restraint and not disparage your poor choice of study but at least you would be educated."_

**_"True, so what would you say if I said I was a high school dropout? Would you stop talking to me if you learned I was a waitress or worked in a shop?"_ **

_"Train shop?"_

_" **No**."_

Again Sheldon paused as he considered the possibility that indeed this woman could be anyone. She could be the lady on the bus today wearing a wool coat covered with cat hair. She could be the counter girl at the drug store, or the janitor at the library. She could be 300 pounds or thin as a rail, but he realized that none of that mattered. She could be any race or age, he really didn't care. What he did know was that he didn't want to stop their conversations. Working at a train store would have been a big bonus, though.

_"Well, too bad about the train shop, but I would still talk to you."_

**_"What if you found out I was an Art History major."_ **

_"Hold on now, let's not get too crazy here. I think I get your point. But just because you don't want to reveal anything about yourself, don't you want to know something about me."_

**_"I want to know everything about you."_ **

Sheldon breathed out with a relieved sigh then texted:

_"Good, you won't be disappointed."_

He started to type in his entire resume. It was going to be a daunting challenge to do this via text, but he would rise to it, rather than deny her the opportunity to admire his brilliance, but received a text from Ms Moxie before he could complete it,

**_"However I want to learn about you in my own way. For my discovery of you to be at my own pace, so that facets of you can be revealed, rather than explained."_ **

Sheldon groaned and quickly deleted his curriculum vitae. He typed quickly,

_"I think you might get a false of impression of me if you don't know the truth. Or worse, I could lie and say I am stupid and say I love that band you mentioned the Beverly Hillbillies, or some such silliness."_

**_"Then we need to have rules. Rule one, No lying."_ **

_"I like rules. Agreed."_

**_"So Rule Two: No Personal Information. And by the way, I had figured that you were well educated, so two doctorates is fact not news."_ **

Typing his reply, Sheldon felt a slight twinge of irritation that she wasn't more impressed with his education.

_"I still don't see why you can't know anything about me?"_

**_"I will know everything and nothing about you at the same time. Therefore our conversations won't be hindered by preconceived notions or expectations. It will be like the Schrodinger Cat of social relationships. We can't assume anything, so it will expand our minds."_ **

_"You really don't want to know about my two doctorates. It's quite impressive."_

**_"I want to see if I can guess them, and you can see what you can guess about me."_ **

_"Like a game?"_ Sheldon perked up.

**_"Yes. But we cannot reveal anything we guess until an agreed upon time. Then I will tell you what I think your education entails."_ **

_"Agreed, and for a proper game, we need to set precise parameters. I say 3 days."_

**_"Three Months, and no cheating."_ **

Sheldon texted furiously, _"Two months and I send you my resume."_

**_"No resumes, no photos ever, no in person contact, and I will agree to 4 weeks."_ **

She was a hard bargainer. Sheldon had met his match. Perhaps when the experiment was over, he could talk her into helping him negotiate a better price at the aforementioned train store. He texted back:

_"OK. One month, and I promise, no cheating..."_

**_"Agreed."_ **

Sheldon had to allow that having a conversation with someone without knowing a thing about them would make it more thought-provoking. And though he was unsure how long they would be able to keep up the complete anonymity, he was willing to try as long as he didn't have to concede to Penny's favorite motto, 'Not knowing is half the fun'. Sheldon finally texted back to Ms. Moxie,

_"Well I am warming to the idea, and think that it will be quite intriguing, though I would still like to know your name."_

**_"Already trying to circumvent the rules I see. Let's try this instead...What do you want it to be?"_ **

_"Something simple. Short, easy to say... rolls off the tongue. For now, I hope you are fine with your name, Moxie."_

**_"I am. In fact, I would like you to continue to call me that. I have to say though, yours is a little awkward, Marsupialophile. You wouldn't believe what autocorrect wanted to call you. Mars- Pull or something silly."_ **

_"I can see that."_

Sheldon thought that wouldn't have been too bad. Gravity and all that but he really didn't like the name that wasn't his.

**_"Well, you can name yourself."_ **

_"Really?"_

**_"SURE! Whatever you would like it to be, that's what it will be. It can be anything, just let your imagination flow and pick your favorite name. See how much fun this is?"_ **

_"It is fun! Then my favorite name is... Sheldon."_

**_"Then that is your name, to me anyway. I love that name... Sheldon."_ **

Sheldon felt his heart give a slight jump seeing her type out his name. He reasoned he wasn't breaking the new rules, since he thought his name was the best and she did say he could choose ANYTHING he wanted.

The next text caused him to smile as well:

**_"Like Sheldon Glashow, the Nobel laureate for physics."_ **

Sheldon quickly wrote back with a smug grin,

_"A Sheldon who is into physics, who would have thought? But he was at that hippy school, Berkeley, so not as good as some Sheldons, I must say."_

**_"Obviously, but I imagine a universe with a lot of Sheldon's like you would be a lot of fun."_ **

_"You'd have to imagine it until we break the barrier between alternate universes."_

**_"I will wait. I am very patient."_ **

Sheldon let out a groan, and said to himself, "I'm glad one of us is."

_**Moxie:** _

He wanted to know her name and she hesitated. The question came after a wonderful discussion about Doradango which topped a week of invigorating intellectual ping pong. She hadn't felt so connected to a person in her life, though the connection wasn't real. He was a stranger. But one with a mind like none she had experienced. She lost herself in the duels of data.

She had enjoyed the anonymity of their interactions. Not to mention the challenge to keep personal information from their conversations, despite his increasing curiosity. They didn't need to exchange names. She knew that he would just look her up in a google search, as she would do for him. Then it occurred to her that it would be an excellent experiment to see just how far this could continue.

There was no need to know his name, what he looked like or how he dressed. She didn't need to know that about him and he really did not need to know that about her. What would be the point? She had no intention of getting 'involved' as the romantics would suggest. She was doing just fine on her own.

This was going to be a very interesting experiment. They had a month to guess each other's background and career but she had already guessed his within a day of texting him. Though he had a wide range of interesting topics, it was the texts about physics that lit up her phone most frequently. He was definitely a physics major; a weaker science than neuroscience which she planned to use to win this contest. It can't be cheating if he can use the same tricks. He just didn't know them.

On her usual solitary lunch break as she ate at her desk, she made a few purchases: phone stands so she could see the text while she worked. She also downloaded a few wonderful papers on Physics, one by a man named Dr. Sheldon Cooper at Cal Tech and another by Dr. Sheldon Glashow, both of which were brilliant and stood out from the others. Before she made her drive back from Westwood to her apartment, she turned on the function to have her car read out his texts. Between her podcasts and his texts, she had the best one hour and half commute she'd ever had.


	4. Iphoney

_**Sheldon** _

During the following four weeks Sheldon's correspondence with Ms. Moxie continued to flourish, and despite his initial reactions to Ms. Moxie's suggestion of anonymity, he found their unique relationship to be thrilling and challenging. He agreed with her that the anonymous nature of their correspondence had a unique fascination not to mention a wonderful social experiment.

If they could develop a friendship without knowing anything about each other, they could turn the idea of social interactions on its head, and if successful, the virtual bond would prove Sheldon's long-held theory that physical proximity wasn't needed for social relationships. If he could just figure how to get the rest of the world to stay indoors, he'd be golden.

In fact, Sheldon would have liked to avoid all social interactions in order to shield himself from harmful pathogens. If he could have persuaded Leonard to transport his mobile virtual presence device to work, Sheldon would never have to physically interact with the common horde again. But as usual, Leonard had refused to support Sheldon. However, if things went well with their social experiment, he would revisit that possibility.

As the weeks passed, Sheldon was unaware how much his routine had changed. Now, after his morning ablutions there would be a quick text to his new virtual friend with either the word of the day or question of the day, followed by an exchange of interesting factual data, and their early morning exchange would end with a game of his invention during his car ride to work.

There would be another witty text after lunch. Then before dinner, he would send another text in which he would expand on his overabundance of patience in connection with the plebs he worked with, though carefully avoiding any mention of Theoretical Physics, and whereas normally, Sheldon would ignore anything during his mealtime, once the response beep came through he would be engrossed, as he became adept at eating with one hand and texting back with another. He would then usually disappear to his room around 9:00 PM, from where the gang would hear his tittering and chuckles through the walls.

Every text alert would initiate a Pavlovian reaction from Sheldon. He would instantly smile and reach for his phone. The guys soon noticed this behavior and took to sending him random texts just to see his reactions. Tiring of their silly little games he eventually blocked their numbers after delivering a strike to everyone.

Sheldon never told the group anything about Ms. Moxie, and the only way the others knew he was still communicating with the mystery person was by the giggles that would emanate from him every time he looked at his phone.

Sheldon's circle of friends was more than content with how his time was now being occupied, happily telling him how thankful they were that the random trivial thoughts that flashed through his mind were now for the sole enjoyment of his virtual friend. He ignored their subtle insults knowing that they would rue the loss of his genius to guide them now that his intellect was directed elsewhere. But like the realist he was, Sheldon did not discard them entirely. Friends were like toilet paper: It's good to have a few extras under the sink.

Not only had Sheldon's routine changed, but also his demeanor. Leonard could have said that he appeared to be nicer, but that would have involved some interaction between them, as it was Sheldon was almost ignoring him in favor of this new texting relationship. Initially, Leonard had been happy that Sheldon was so occupied giving him some quiet time at home. Even more so during the short car ride to Cal-Tech as it alleviated some of the tedious games he was forced to play. But one Monday morning, having been ignored for the fourth time in favor of the constant texting, he had had enough.

"Sheldon!" Leonard yelled as he parked the car, "We're at work!"

"Oh darn!"

Sheldon grabbed his messenger bag as he got out of the car. He had wanted to continue his conversation with Ms. Moxie, but duty called.

Leonard shook his head and scowled, "You are spending an awful amount of time on the phone with this mystery person. Don't you think it's becoming a problem?"

"Not at all!" Sheldon finished his text to Ms. Moxie and put his phone away,

"My relationship with my new friend just fills in the voids of the day. On our drive to work, you are constantly complaining about the games I invent to play, so I play with her instead."

"So it is a she?"

Sheldon was annoyed about his slip up, but confirmed that his new friend was female.

"Well, let me tell you, anyone who spends as much time on her phone as you do has to be a weirdo." Leonard slammed his door to make his point.

"She's not a weirdo!" Sheldon slammed his door just as hard in retaliation, but made sure the lock was set before he started to march off to his office as he added, "She just bested me in naming that Fibonacci Highway! Could a weirdo do that?"

Leonard stopped in the middle of the parking lot; surprised at Sheldon's revelation. No one had ever beaten Sheldon at one of his own made up games before, least of all a stranger. "Really? Well that kinda proves my point!" Leonard continued to walk to his office but he was still astonished, "So… she beat you in that game?"

"I know... she's amazing!" Sheldon beamed all the way to the door. "She even got the Canadian one, King's Highway 144!"

"Sounds like I'm off the hook for while!" However, Leonard did not sound as happy as he should have been.

Sheldon was perplexed. Since their marriage Leonard was already sleeping most nights at Penny's and Sheldon had been bracing for the permanent move to happen at any moment. So why should Leonard care how Sheldon spent his time now.

Later that evening, as the group were enjoying the Monday night's Thai dinner, Sheldon interrupted the meal yet again with a belly laugh as he balanced his food in one hand and his cell phone in the other. Penny shook her head and asked Leonard, "Have you managed to get any information about why he's on the phone all the time?"

Leonard, watching her take a mouthful of food replied, "Yeah, he's texting his girlfriend."

Silence briefly followed Leonard's comments. While almost choking on her food, Penny screamed out,"WHAT!"

"Good god, what kind of woman would want to be Sheldon's girlfriend," demanded Howard.

Sheldon shook his head and chimed in the conversation, "She's **not** my girlfriend."

"Jeez, I thought he was just tweeting random facts to his non-existent followers." Penny leaned over trying to see what was so interesting on Sheldon's phone, but he shielded it from her.

"Oh, he still does that but now, only to her..." Leonard gave a strained smile.

Howard snorted, "That's 'cause she's the only one who cares about the history of the fork, right, Penny?"

He winked at Penny who rolled her eyes and sighed, "Oh god, not this again. The one time I forget to give Raj a place setting at the Cheesecake factory and I had to have a 20-minute lecture on the history of cutlery!"

Sheldon shook his head, "I don't see why you're upset. All I did was defend your habitual oversight! As you now know, traditional Indian culinary etiquette doesn't require a fork or spoon. Those are left to the kitchen."

Sheldon dismissed any further response the group made to his erudite factoid as he turned back to his phone and typed a new message. Within seconds the alert sounded and looking at the text he laughed, "She says if Raj was from Southern India, he could have used a banana leaf."

Penny had had enough of the fork conversation, "Sheldon, no one in the world cares about these stupid trivial things." Then trying to look uninterested, she played with her food and casually asked, hoping for an answer, "What does she look like?"

Sheldon shifted in his seat and answered with a mumble, "It doesn't matter...and speaking of stupid trivial things... Appearance is the forefront... "

Sheldon put his phone down for a moment as he added, "Besides, the world could stand to benefit from some of my knowledge. It's my gift to humanity."

"Some gift. I hope you got a receipt." Penny replied, and then added, "So how did you meet this girl?"

Sheldon pretended to concentrate on his food without responding and breathed a sigh of relief when his attention was caught again by the sound of another text notification. Picking the phone up, he giggled.

Leonard rolled his eyes again. Penny asked the group, "Does anyone know who this person is?"

Leonard explained how Sheldon had found a phone and since then had been constantly texting someone who they now knew was a woman.

Penny was amazed that Sheldon could hold someone's interest for so long, let alone a female or at least someone he thought it was female.

"What does she do for a living?" Howard leaned forward and raised his brow. Sheldon put his phone down again, glared at him, and gave him a curt reply.

"Something amazing, I'm sure… I bet she has a doctorate, which is more than I can say for some members of our social circle... Not naming names... Howard..."

"So fake then. I knew it." Howard added, "Oh... and does she have a sister? Raj's parents want to set up with someone real as well since Siri dumped him, right Raj?"

"She's not my girlfriend, and she certainly is not fake. She is as real as any of you." Sheldon's voice rose as he defended her.

"How can he be sure it's a girl and not like Glisinda the Troll?" Raj added, with a sneaky look at Bernadette.

Howard moaned, "Oh god, don't bring her up!" He quickly glanced at his wife for a moment as her burning eyes seared his soul. One could smell the smoke.

"It was a **him** , Howard..." Bernadette corrected him.

Penny thought that Howard had been lucky. His dalliance with an online player had almost cost him Bernadette. Penny now wondered if Sheldon would end up suffering the same fate, still at least he didn't have a real woman to lose over the liaison.

Sheldon looked up from his dinner and his phone for a brief moment, "I know she's a girl, her date told me."

"Her date? What the hell?" again Penny gagged on her food for the second time and reached for a napkin.

Leonard laughed and told her, "Well, not only does he have a girlfriend that apparently he's never met, but it was her date that told him she was female?"

"Is this some kind of kinky robot thing?" Penny asked, eager for an answer, but Sheldon just shook his head and Leonard answered for him.

"I don't know... it might be..." Leonard sat back in his lounge chair and beamed as he waited for Sheldon's inevitable snarky response.

Sheldon glared at Leonard, "I'll leave robot women to Howard."

Raj let out a sigh, "Great... Even Sheldon has a girlfriend and he doesn't even have to satisfy her."

"Slick, ain't it? But she's not my girlfriend." Sheldon looked back to his phone and added smugly, "Oh, and I satisfy her plenty."

Sound waves ceased as the entire room stopped all activity and everyone stared at Sheldon who seemed oblivious to how his comment had been perceived, until Penny finally asked, "Erm... how do you do that, exactly?"

"With my mind, of course."

"Oh I get it, like Howard, you just **think** you're satisfying her!" Raj added, and even Bernadette had to chuckle.

"So Raj, how's the wife search going on your front?" Howard snapped at Raj, who was suddenly sick of the discussion and tried to change the topic of the conversation,

"Terrific... Anyway, what are we going to dress up as this year for Halloween? Sheldon... any thoughts?"

Sheldon, who was already engrossed in his texting conversation again, just answered, "Sure thing Leonard, a grape nehi would be great."

"Raj asked you... oh never mind."

In what he thought would be the perfect way to get Sheldon's attention, Howard suddenly said: "Hey let's all go as characters from Babylon 5! Dibs on Londo Mollari"

Having just received Ms. Moxie's text in which she had compared trapping malodorous elements such as unwelcome comments to "Febreze the conversation", He could not contain his smile at the brilliant and timely pun delivered by her, and feigning ignorance, he adeptly ignored Howard's suggestion feeling he could use such a product now, he responded with a text about the hydroxypropylbeta-cyclodextrin content in Febreze.

Surprised at Sheldon's silence following Howard's outrageous suggestion, Leonard had had enough and couldn't believe what he was about to say, but he felt that someone had to say it.

"Sheldon, you spend too much time on that phone and you hardly join in the conversation anymore!"

Silence greeted the statement, as Penny punched Leonard hard his arm to chastise him for attempting to disrupt the peace that the group had enjoyed since Sheldon had started texting his new mysterious friend.

Rubbing what he knew was going to be a bruise later on, Leonard looked down at his Thai food once more and grumbled into his food, "At least he doesn't complain about the Mee Krob being too dry."

Without looking up, Sheldon commented, "It is, but I am trying to be nice about it and Febreze the conversation, so to speak."

Penny's chuckle caused Sheldon to look up and he beamed with pride at her smile as he added, "And Howard, it will be a cold day in hell before we dress up as ANY character from Babylon 5. You will have to find another lecherous character to portray. Might I recommend Harley Quinn since you already wear the tight red pants?"

Leonard shook his head, as another text alert caused Sheldon to return to the important message being received. Sheldon let out another chuckle which only upset Leonard even further.

"See, all you do is laugh at that phone! You're the one who makes us come over here for dinner every other night." Exasperated, Leonard put his food down and jumped up to grab some water from the fridge.

Sheldon raised his head to correct Leonard, "It was not a laugh, but a chortle. A word, incidentally, coined by Lewis Carroll by blending chuckle and snort."

"Sheldon, you are just saying that to sound smart."

Ignoring Penny's waspish tone Sheldon replied, "You're right. You should try it once in a while, Penny. Fake it till ya make it, kid..." Sheldon gave Penny a wink.

Pushing her dinner away she snapped at Sheldon, "And does she know you're a complete arrogant ass?"

"How can she not, she texts him every day!" Leonard added with a quick snort.

Sheldon ignored both the comment, and the self-satisfied High Five Leonard exchanged with Penny as he focused instead on his new friend, ignoring the conversation between his companions for the rest of the evening.

_**Moxie:** _

After the long drive home from her work on the Westside, Moxie returned to her apartment and was immediately hit with an awful stench. The entire third floor reeked of burnt popcorn. She wanted to gag, not only from the smell but she realized how much her apartment air system was connected to the other tenants.

As she spayed Febreze throughout her house, around the vents and in the hallway, a grumpy neighbor opened his door and wiping his greasy fingers on his stained shirt, he stared her down.

"Whacha doing with that? I don't want this hallway stinking up like some flower shop!"

"Well, better freesia than the popcorn you burned. You know overcooked foods beyond a temperature of 248 F can form the carcinogen acrylamide."

"Nah, I didn't get a flavored kind, It's fine, but that girly smell is not." He looked her up and down and said, "You know those air things cause cancer right?"

She shook her head and bid her neighbor a good night. As she closed the door, she whispered to herself, "And people wonder why I don't socialize."

That evening her scheduled text from Sheldon, told her that he and his friends were going to have Thai food. Moxie suddenly craved curry as well and hunted in her freezer for a spicy Lean-Cuisine. She texted back that Thai sounded amazing, but the auto-correct changed it to TRIG.

Sheldon wrote, _"So you're craving math? That's my kinda girl."_

Moxie blushed and wrote,

**" _Why did the mathematician divide SIN by TAN? Just COS."_**

That text received a capital

_'LOL'._

She had been surprised at how quickly Sheldon had latched on to her idea about looking at their continued anonymity as not only a game, but an experiment. What had amazed her even further was that despite his statement that he felt that physical proximity wasn't needed for social relationships, he seemed to have so many friends. He would often reference something they said to him, or more often, what he said to them. Moxie both admired and envied his ability to maintain a friend group.

Moxie had just put her dinner in the microwave and as the machine hummed, Sheldon texted her:

_"My friend is complaining about the time I corrected him on the use of a fork. I informed them that traditional Indian cuisine doesn't require a fork and they seemed unimpressed_."

**_"Well, if your friend was from Southern India, he might use a banana leaf which is loaded with cancer fighting polyphenols."_ **

She took her hot food out of the microwave and almost dropped it on the floor. She laid it on the counter and texted back,

**_"Make sure they don't substitute a rubber tree leaf. You don't want that to "bounce" back in their faces."_ **

Another

_'LOL_ '

However, the next few texts caught her off guard.

_"My Friends think you aren't real."_

**_"Oh really? Well, my burnt fingers from my microwave dinner say otherwise. "_ **

_"If they knew your real name, they might make a silly Portmanteau of our names, like Shoxy or some juvenile amalgamation of our names."_

**_"Oh, I wouldn't like that."_ **

_"Neither would I."_

**_"Well, you can chortle in their faces. I am just another Netizen (citizen of the net.)"_ **

Moxie's smile faded as she poked at her bland dinner probably loaded with acrylamide, and looked around her silent apartment. She thought, maybe a portmanteau of their names wouldn't be so bad.


	5. Electronic Leash

_**Sheldon** _

Sheldon relaxed back into his spot as the conversation around him blurred out of focus. The four weeks were up. It was time to guess her background, however, despite their constant texting Ms. Moxie was still a complete mystery to him.

 _"Theoretical Physicist_ _?"_ he typed out with hopeful anticipation _._

**_"Nope. Sorry. You lose."_ **

His smile dropped like melted ice cream.

_"Drats."_

Then the death blow **,**

**_"I guess the same for you. Though I think you might specialize in String theory, but you dabble in Dark Matter. That's just my guess."_ **

_"Drats again."_

Sheldon was not happy to have lost the wager though he was getting used to the feeling as he lost almost as many games with Ms. Moxie as he won. Now she had bested him again and had successfully guessed his professional background.

Sheldon was amazed that she had been able to guess with the little information he had given as he had studiously tried to avoid any mention of Theoretical Physics. However he had not been as successful as he thought. Their exchange of information had been eclectic. From topics such as the upcoming Thanksgiving Football games - something he could converse on with the best of them thanks to his father's tutelage, to religion - again something he was well versed in thanks to his mother's inclination. Science subjects had invariably cropped up, and it was his dismissive attitude of all other science fields that had led Ms. Moxie to the conclusion that Theoretical Physics was where his heart was.

But over and above his regret at losing, and amazement that she had successfully guessed his field, was disappointment. This stemmed from their agreement that the winner would not be required to reveal their own background, and this he regretted more than anything. However, at least now he was able to share more about himself, his work and his friends, which was enough for his ego at the moment.

As he broached the subject of his companions, Moxie insisted he did not reveal their names to which Sheldon agreed. So he named Leonard: Wheezy, Howard: Sneezy and Raj: Bashful.

With Disney in mind, he had initially thought about Penny being Snow White as that character had lived with 7 small men. But then, as he explained to Ms. Moxie, given his neighbor's cleaning habits, she could never be referred to as Snow White, so instead he had opted for the name Sleepy - after Sleeping Beauty. Again he explained that his neighbor is considered by many to be pretty hence the Beauty, however unlike Sleeping Beauty, she had had a number of sexual partners in the past, so he had opted for Sleepy because she refused to get up before 11 am when she was not working.

_"After a long and somewhat tortuous courtship for their friends, she and Wheezy were married about six months ago."_

As Sheldon added this, he thought about Penny and Leonard's marriage and how the change terrified him. Quickly putting that unpleasant subject from his mind, he told Moxie that Sneezy's wife was Doc since she had a doctorate and worked with sticky icky things like micro viruses and such.

_"Doc and Sneezy now have two little ones so it's a good thing she adept at dealing with microbiology."_

That little joke got an **_'LOL'_** from Moxie.

Sheldon then moved on from the subject of his friends to the group's earlier conversation and how he had deflected their taunts, as well as his jibe at Howard, but Ms. Moxie was less than generous with her praise.

**_"Sheldon, as much as I admire your riposte, I think criticizing a person over their education status is petty. I'm sure not everyone in your social circle has your impressive background. Remember that TV show you told me about, and the character you admired so much. Not everyone can be Spock. Scotty and Chekov had their place too, right?"_ **

He couldn't wipe the smile off his face as he realized that Ms. Moxie had made a valid reference. Using Star Trek to make a point, no matter how sharp it hit his ego, was a sure-fire way to ingratiate Ms. Moxie into his heart. He felt his pulse rise like a thermometer in August. Never had talking about Star Trek excited him so much.

Once again, he experienced that familiar tunnel vision he felt every time he conversed with her. It was as if she was the only person who could reach him, but more importantly, she seemed to be the only one who understood him. But he had to acknowledge her point about his friends. She was correct. Not everyone could be Spock. He now regretted using Disney Characters to give his friends code names, and wished he had used Star Trek, but the deed was done.

_"You're right. My roommate Wheezy is lot like Kirk, he is impulsive, and in the past was always chasing women. Bashful couldn't speak to women for the longest time and though that is no longer the case he is still getting shot down by the female sex. So much so that lately he has asked his parents find a wife for him. So he could be the unnamed red shirt crew man. Ergo, mute and ineffective. Sneezy is an engineer so could be Scotty, except he could never live up to Scotty, so maybe we should ignore him."_

**_"Doesn't the Enterprise need Scotty?"_ **

_"Yes... it does. And I must admit that despite what I have said, Sneezy is fairly competent as an engineer. Well at least for creating robot women. Space toilets, not so much."_

**_"You should tell him that. (That he is competent, not the toilet thing.) I am sure he would appreciate hearing it from you."_ **

_"Fine, but not now. He was teasing me too much about you being my girlfriend."_

**_"Well, I am sure they are curious, it is only natural. I mean, our relationship is unique and possibly awkward for some not accustomed to virtual relationships."_ **

_"Oh believe me, Sneezy is more than accustomed to being with virtual women."_

**_"Even so, I am sure that your friends are constantly vetting your girlfriends to see if they will fit in your coterie or "space crew", so to speak"_ **

_"I've never had a girlfriend, though they did try to get me to go on a blind date arranged through a computer dating site, but I didn't succumb to their blackmail."_

Sheldon had little patience with his friends' constant need to give into their primitive urges. But for his friends to attempt to pair bond him with some random stranger based on faulty algorithms was really the last straw. The assumption that Dr. Sheldon Cooper would find his soul mate with unsubstantiated math was the height of stupidity, even for his ignorant friends. A dating site? He had had to laugh at his friend's foolishness. As if Sheldon Cooper would be coerced by a dirty sock! Sheldon had forbidden anyone to mention the idea of him dating ever again, or they would get a strike and be required to take his class.

**_"I've tried those sites as well, they are a colossal waste of time."_ **

_"Agreed, the very idea that algorithms could determine your ideal mate is utter folly. But let us get back to a more sensible and realistic topic, that of a Space Crew. What role would you see yourself as in a hypothetical landing party?"_

For him, there was no question what character he would be. Spock was the only choice. Ms. Moxie didn't reply for a few minutes and Sheldon wondered if she had been put off by his query. Just because he loved Star Trek related topics, he was unfortunately aware, thanks to Penny, that many females did not. Then he thought back to his other statement: That he had never had a girlfriend.

Sheldon held tightly onto his phone as he waited for her response. His anticipation of her reaction perplexed him. He had never cared what people thought about him before and he was sure he wasn't going to start now, but still he felt anxious that she might think him an odd duck, as Penny might say. When the phone buzzed in his sweaty palm, he let out the breath he was not aware he had been holding and closed his eyes for a moment before reading the text.

**_"Forgive the delay. I had to do some quick research on the crew of the Enterprise. I think that the blond Yeoman was quite fetching."_ **

Sheldon smiled, and thought to himself, "A Moxiful Yeoman!" But before he could reply, he received a second text **,**

**_"However, truthfully, I have to say, I would be Dr. McCoy, because I loved the actor on Death Valley Days."_ **

_"I'm so pleased that you chose to be McCoy. We need a medical officer. Are you by chance a Doctor?"_

**_"Possibly, but then again, maybe I am one of those lowly plebs who don't have a doctorate, like Sneezy."_ **

There was no chance this woman was not educated. He smiled as he typed back,

_"I highly doubt it."_

**_"Don't you think I could be like Sneezy."_ **

_"Never! I am certain you have a doctorate"_

**_"You don't know me. In fact I could be like that Sleepy Beauty you mentioned."_ **

_"I know you don't sleep until 11 AM, since you text back at 800 AM on the nose... so do you mean like having coitus with numerous partners?"_

**_"Yes. I could be like that."_ **

Sheldon refused to believe Ms. Moxie would give into her baser urges in such a manner as to be on par with his flighty neighbor Penny. But she could be. She could have many men interested in her. That date she had with the man from the wedding indicated that she was attractive. He had said that she had marvelous hind quarters, a lure for most men who were driven by their hind brains, to be couldn't believe Ms. Moxie would be with any man. Her taste was too refined, her mind too polished, her thoughts too sophisticated for the hordes of men that could be knocking at her door. She would have stringent standards that most men could never meet. She must have!

_"I still don't believe it."_

**_"You have no evidence to the contrary"_ **

Sheldon had an uncomfortable feeling brewing in his gut. It could have been the terrible Mee Krob, or had Moxie hit a nerve.

He admitted to her in the next text,

_"Or I don't want to believe that you are like that."_

He smiled with relief when he read the next text:

**_"If that is what you want to think of me, then that is how I am. Besides which, it's also true."_ **

He breathed out a sigh and leaned back in his chair.

_"Good. Besides, I am so pleased you can be Dr. McCoy! My roommate lost our chance when he let Dr. Stephanie go as his girlfriend."_

**_"I will have to hear more about Wheezy and this Stephanie person."_ **

Sheldon squirmed and typed quickly,

_"You don't by chance have a propensity to leave your medical instruments in people during surgery and have a large stuffed animal collection?"_

_" **No**."_

Sheldon smiled at his text, but before he could respond further, he received another text that changed the subject back to the topic he would have rather avoided:

**_"Speaking of girlfriends, I am surprised that you have never had one. You seem to have a vigorous social group, you are well educated and I find that you are very easy to converse with. It is surprising that you have not had a romantic relationship. Have you never thought about having a companion?"_ **

Sheldon let out a sigh and repeated the same argument he had stated numerous times to his friends:

_"No, I have no need for romantic relationships. I find social interactions taxing to say the least. I can barely tolerate my roommate, who is actually my best friend, how could I possibly function or continue my current intellectual output if I had to juggle a girlfriend who like a succubus, would steal my precious time. Science is my only love. Always has been, always will be."_

**_"Yes, societal constructs of pair bonding seem outdated at best."_ **

Sheldon was surprised and elated at her answer.

_"So you agree, dating is a waste of time?"_

**_"Finding a mate is a completely inefficient use of time. If one is in need of a relationship then I think arranged marriages are the way to go."_ **

_"I should let you tell that to my foreign friend. It's just a matter of time before his parents find him a mate from India."_

**_"Lucky bastard."_ **

Sheldon smiled at her uncharacteristic use of bad language.

_"He doesn't think he is so lucky. In fact, I think he enjoyed pursuing females for copulation rather than pair bonding, but he said it was time to settle down. Not that he is that successful at pursing females, mind you."_

**_"Well, a purely sexual relationship would be far superior to one in which you had keep up with the social mores of dating and romantic endeavors. Just a quick 45-minute session a week and you're done."_ **

Well, Sheldon thought, 45 minutes a week was a lot less time than his friends had spent pursuing females, but he was thankful he had never wasted his time on such folly. He typed back with a smug smile,

_"I have no need for such activity."_

**_"Really? Most people do have some need for sexual release. It's the hind brain's Biological imperative. Have you ever had interest or any type of attraction to another person, male or female?"_ **

Sheldon thought for moment before he answered. He really had felt no attraction to any other person. He could identify an attractive person given social parameters, but not personally. No one had ever stopped him in his tracks, turned his head and convinced him that the effort required for a physical relationship was worth the emotional cost. No one. Sheldon typed back a truthful reply,

_"None. It has never crossed my mind. In fact just because I don't want to waste my time in the pursuit of women like some rabid dog, the group says I am asexual. I admit that I have considered it. I don't have any interest in that aspect of human interaction. I consider sexual intercourse messy, unappealing and overall a wasted enterprise."_

_**"Then you might well be asexual. Interesting."** _

Sheldon swallowed when he read her response and then typed back quickly,

_"Interesting, how so?"_

**_"There is not a large population of asexual people, so it is just another aspect of you that makes you so unique. I find it very intriguing."_ **

Sheldon relaxed his grip on his phone,

_"Really? Most people would be looking to find a way to convince me otherwise."_

**_"I am not most people and one cannot be convinced of their sexual orientation. Besides, as I said, I love that you are so unique. I think personally that I identify more as sexually fluid, rather than adhering to labels and forced obligation.I also find the idea of a physical relationship taxing. Perhaps in the future, but not currently."_ **

Sheldon read the text and frowned, unconsciously voicing the question, "What does "Sexually fluid" mean? Does she like to have coitus in water?"

The group, who had been ignoring Sheldon until then, stopped all conversation and looked at him. Sheldon noticed the lack of background noise and looked up. It was Penny who answered him, "Sheldon, sexually fluid means that a person isn't straight or gay. Their orientation isn't rigid."

Raj slammed his food down, "Dammit! Sheldon gets a girl who is down with anything, and we don't even know if he has genitals! This is so unfair!"

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "As I have said, on more than on occasion, I have genitals. They are functional and aesthetically pleasing. More importantly, she is 'not down with anything', or whatever your sick mind is thinking. She just said that she wouldn't waste her time on a physical relationship."

Leonard shrugged his shoulders, "Maybe her sexual fluidity is flowing toward a desert at the moment. So she's just like you!"

Sheldon frowned at Leonard, and bent to look at his phone. Though, when he was certain that the group wasn't looking at him, a smile curled up on his mouth. He had found someone who was just like him. Despite appearances to the contrary, he often saw the rolled eyes of his companions and sometimes understood the sarcastic comments he pretended to ignore. In a room of friends, he often felt alone, an outsider. However at this moment, he didn't feel that empty feeling. Suddenly he realized that he hadn't responded to her earlier text, but Ms. Moxie had already texted him back,

**_"Just to be clear, I do not find this relationship taxing."_ **

Instantly Sheldon's smile bloomed to half his face as he wrote back quickly,

_"Neither do I."_

He remembered her early comments on her being akin to Penny and he had to know the truth.

_"However back to the original topic and just out of curiosity... how many sexual partners have you had?"_

Sheldon sucked in his bottom lip and awaited the response. He suddenly felt as if all eyes were upon him, so cupping his hand around the phone to shield the answer from their prying eyes, he stood up to take the conversation into his bedroom. He was certain that Penny would be able to understand his private messages just by the motion of his fingers as he texted. She had to have some unique super power relating to cell phones since she was always on hers.

He closed the bedroom door and locked it, and within 15 seconds he had a reply.

**" _How many do you think/wish I have had?"_**

Sheldon thought about his answer for a moment before he responded with true honesty:

_"Well, since I have had none, it would be nice to think there is someone like me out there."_

**_"Then none it is and that's the truth. Besides, when would I have the time? The time I could be spending in the contorted throws of ecstasy, I am busily responding to your texts."_ **

_"Time well spent."_

**_"I agree. It's just as stimulating."_ **

Sheldon took a minute to ask the next question, but he wanted to know how similar she was to him. Could he have found a person who had no interest in the messy act of coitus? Could he possibly have found the one person on the planet who like him would not be bothered with puerile pursuits like pair bonding and emotional entanglements.

_"Have you ever kissed anyone?_

Again there was a delay before she answered and he wondered if this was too personal a question, a step too far. But he had to know.

**_"Yes."_ **

_"I see."_

Sheldon slumped down slightly in his bed.

**_"Have you?"_ **

_"Does my sister and mother count?"_

**_"Not really."_ **

_"Then no."_

**_"Oh... I think I should have answered no."_ **

_"I want you to be honest. Those are the rules."_

**_"True and I am being honest. I was speaking more to the fact that I did not enjoy it."_ **

Sheldon perked up with a smile. For some reason, her reply made him smile,

_"Really?"_

**_"Yes. In the end it seemed more like something I did just to say I had done it, rather than from desire. I felt nothing. I had wanted to test if I would be overwhelmed by his touch. That the act of kissing would leave me speechless and to know that the person I was kissing felt the same as me. But I didn't. I have not had the pleasure of that kind of connection with anyone, and I doubt I that I ever will."_ **

Sheldon asked honestly from a place of pure ignorance,

_"Is that Important? A connection with someone?'"_

**_"I believe that most people think so."_ **

_**Moxie:** _

As she cleaned up the dishes and she tried to keep up with their conversation, her soapy hands almost ruined her phone. She made a mental note to get a voice activated assistant to help with times like these. After the dishes, she retired to the couch to continue their conversation, a ritual she enjoyed. She had hated to scold Sheldon, but he didn't seem to know to how to speak with his friends. She didn't have any friends, and found the idea taxing. However, friendship seemed important to him so she'd help him protect it. She made note cards to keep track of his friends since he seemed to have so many and she was relieved that he had chosen simple nick names rather than something from the Science Fiction shows he liked so much.

He did a good job on changing the subject from his social faux pau, but unfortunately, he went on a tangent about some silly space show. She quite often needed to look up trivial things in most of her chats with Sheldon, especially with Science Fiction references. Once when he said he was in a No-Win scenario like the Kobayahsi Maru which she had thought was a Japanese dish before she looked up the reference as some training test in Star Trek. At least Deforest Kelly was in it, so it couldn't be so bad and she made a note to watch Death Valley Days at a later point.

She was preparing her bath when the conversation turned to sexual partners. When she could concentrate on his texts better, she read again, that he had never had a girlfriend, something she wondered about him for a while. It seemed impossible. When he had mentioned his stunning looking neighbor, she had felt an unfamiliar knot in her chest. But when he had said that he had never been with anyone. She relaxed. The whole conversation made her nerves tingle. The idea of texting a man while soaking in a warm bath full of bubbles seemed so naughty, but so had their conversation for the evening.

_"Have you ever kissed someone?"_

He asked as if the question as if it mattered. She wished it didn't.

No woman likes to be reminded of her younger, more immature self. When she was young, she had kissed a boy just to prove a point, almost a test. She practically had to bribe the boy to do it and the action did nothing for her. She was more focused on her work, her hobbies. She was an independent person who did not need a man to make her feel she was complete, who did not need to have her worth reflected in the eye of another.

Unfortunately her mother did not mirror her views. She was not looking forward to spending Thanksgiving with her parents, at the end of the month, and listening to her mother lament her single status. In fact, it was at her mother's behest, she had used one of those dating sites; a colossal waste of time. Each date worse than the last and the final straw was getting stood up at coffee shop a few years ago. Funnily enough it was the same coffee shop where Sheldon had found her phone.

Sheldon had asked her how many sexual partners she had had, as if that was important. She wondered if he was the type of man that said he wasn't interested in physical contact but his actions might be different. She wasn't sure how to react, until he said he had had none. Just like her.

She put the phone aside, and raised her leg out of the tub and looked at the water dripping off her calves in glistening sheets. Desire for a touch is ingrained in everyone's biology to some degree. If she had to put herself in a box, she preferred to keep her options open. She had attraction to both sexes, deep desires that she had only recently discovered after she had seen a gorgeous tall man with dark hair and crystal blue eyes stare at her across a room at a lecture hall at a science conference at Cal-Tech. She had fantasied about that man and touched herself thinking of his hands on her. That was enough for her, just a fantasy. At least she realized she had sexual desire, a burden she must tolerate. Desire is a fickle Vixen.

She had to distract herself from the bubbling desire she felt, especially at the moment while thinking of that handsome man and the latest conversation with her new friend.

She looked over to her bathroom counter and the dental floss gave her an idea. "Idle hands..."


	6. Pandephonium

_**Sheldon** _

Over the days that followed, Sheldon's scheduled conversations with Moxie continued as before. The uncomfortable discussion of their sexual orientation was dropped in favor of more tantalizing topics such as Ms. Moxie's recent obsession of knitting tea cozies with dental floss and Sheldon's secret love of hacky sack as a result of a 25-year-old bet with this brother that he couldn't reach over 42 tries. Not to mention the etymology of the color puce and the debatable subject of which was the best on sale Halloween candy. Obviously Red Vines or Sour Patch Kids, but Moxie thought Kit Kats.

During these exchanges, he became more comfortable, more emotionally open to Ms. Moxie than he had ever been with any of his friends. And so without realizing it, from the novelty of the first few days, Sheldon became as dependent on their correspondence, as he did the setting of the thermostat or a well-stocked medicine cabinet.

However, Sheldon's harmony concerning his immediate friendships was cruelly broken the following Saturday morning, after a heated quarrel with Leonard. Sheldon's new routine, after his morning ablations, had been shattered due to Leonard's inconsiderate and selfish behavior. Like an unclosed parenthesis or a late returned video tape, Sheldon itched with the disruption to his perfect schedule. And to add insult to the injury of losing precious texting minutes, Leonard had had a totally uncalled for reaction to Sheldon's fining him for not replacing the empty toilet roll, or recording its usage on their computer data base to ensure sufficient stocks in hand in case of an Zombie apocalypse.

Leonard yelled at him, "What difference did it make. You take thirty seconds and replace the roll while you do your business." Leonard went to the cabinet and pulled out the extras and shook them at Sheldon, "AND WE HAVE SIX ROLLS LEFT! There's plenty! It's not like were in a global crisis that would cause a run on toilet paper." He threw the roll at Sheldon, who fumbled to catch it.

Sheldon replaced the roll and said calmly, "My business is done in a precise order. First I -"

Leonard cut off his explanation by yelling that he didn't need a blow by blow account of every bathroom action because he was already full of piss and vinegar. Sheldon yelled back that maybe if Leonard spent as much time in the bathroom as he did in the bedroom, he might learn to do a more efficient performance in both areas. Leonard stormed out of the apartment vowing never to return. As the door slammed shut, Sheldon screamed at him, "Good Riddance!" And immediately texted Ms. Moxie.

_"I am done with Wheezy and all people forever."_

_**"Okay Sheldon. Tell me everything."** _

Sheldon told Ms. Moxie the entire fight, and as he expounded on the faults and failures of Leonard as a roommate, a thought struck him and he texted:

_"You should be my roommate. It's the only logical conclusion."_

_**"Excuse me?"** _

_"Think about it, Moxie. We get along, you find my conversations appealing, and we are compatible in every way that matters, though I would like to discuss your aversion to online gaming."_

_**"Hold on a minute, Sheldon..."** _

Moxie left the text message with those annoying three dots that told him she was writing a lot. She took 5 long minutes for her to reply, but then he received only a short message:

_**"Before we move in together, I have a few issues."** _

_"Okay, but I have to tell you, I have to have the apartment on Friday nights for Vintage game night. Mondays for Thai and Tuesday are for Mystic Warlords of Ka'ah. Also, I need the apartment quiet on nights I do my Fun with Flags Podcast."_

_**"Well "Fun With Flags" does sound interesting, but let's table that for a minute. How do you know I don't play the Tuba, or salt my food before I taste it? Or have a cat?"** _

_"I do love cats."_

Sheldon smiled and continued,

_"As for salting the food, everyone has a past. And you know, I have been thinking of taking up the Tuba. Or, I could teach you the Theremin. An unappreciated yet versatile instrument, I find."_

_**"Sheldon. I don't want to learn the Theremin."** _

_"See? Unappreciated, You'll see, you'll love it. The low tones vibrate in your bones like guttural wind chimes. I am sure that it is much better than any boring instrument you may play."_

Despite the fact that Ms. Moxie still remained somewhat of a mystery, since their awkward discussion on relationships, Ms. Moxie occasionally dropped a few pearls of information regarding her habits and had once mentioned that she played a few musical instruments. However, none were as cool as a Theremin.

_"Oh, additionally, I need you to send a bathroom schedule."_

_**"I need a bathroom schedule?"** _

_"Of course. I am sorry to say, there is only one bathroom. We will have to share, but you can keep your girly things in a basket. I know you like order. Wheezy has an 84% compliance record. I bet you could beat it."_

_**"I bet I couldn't. But look ... don't you think you are rushing this. You don't even know my real name."** _

_"You are right. I will need that name to run your credit check. Also, your social security number, if you please,"_

As he waited for her response, he walked back to Leonard's bedroom to start taking measurements for Ms. Moxie's things. He remembered that she had mentioned she had a queen size bed. Well, that certainly would not fit into the smaller bedroom. Maybe he would consider changing rooms with Ms. Moxie. Admittedly it would be a sacrifice and Sheldon was starting to twitch at the thought when Ms. Moxie replied:

_**"Listen Sheldon, I really think you need to think this through."** _

Sheldon nearly stamped his foot as impatience replaced his automatic response to any possible accommodation changes,

_"I have thought it through. I think about it all the time. Every time Wheezy cuts his toenails over the toilet."_

_**"He does that and still has an 84% rating?"** _

Sheldon grumbled but had to reply truthfully,

_"Well, he has been getting better."_

_**"I'd hate to think about what he was like before."** _

_"I've put in years of training."_

_**"See? You don't want to throw away all that training time, but more importantly, I really do think you would miss your friend. You have been together for a long time and the change might be upsetting to you."** _

Since Leonard's marriage, the living arrangements at 4A had been unsatisfactory, to say the least. Initially, Leonard had remained at 4A but selfish as usual he had started to spend more and more time at Penny's. Sheldon didn't like the reminder of the years he spent working on Leonard's habits just to have him throw all that training away. Such a waste of time.

_"Maybe. Or maybe I am more able to adapt to change than people give me credit for."_

_**"I know that you do dislike change, yet in the short time that I have known you, you have become a little more flexible, changing your routine slightly. However, changing your roommate is a big step."** _

Sheldon had told her previously about his routines, though he had not mentioned his bathroom schedule, and she had been quite impressed at how handled his time. He continued his plea to her,

_"Yes... I know it. He mostly lives across the hall with Sleepy but it's so sporadic. They have been married for a while, but he still has a room here for his things. I'm done with him now. Besides, you and I get along so well."_

_**"Sheldon, we haven't physically spoken to each other, let alone met in person. Maybe one day we could consider a more personal relationship, but at this point, aren't you content with this arrangement? Look at your current situation: close proximity has damaged your relationship with your friend. I don't want to risk that with us. Our friendship is too important to me. "** _

Sheldon thought about his recent argument with his friend and reluctantly realized that she was right.

_"Yes... I suppose you are right. I just want Wheezy to follow the rules set forth in the roommate agreement."_

_**"Roommate agreement? What is that?"** _

Sheldon told her about the roommate agreement and the reasoning for it, namely that it outlined standards of behavior with rules to ensure they were adhered to. Ms. Moxie found the concept of an agreement intriguing and applauded Sheldon's forethought in getting the rules of the relationship upfront and in writing. Validation of Sheldon's rationale calmed his ruffled feathers and he offered to write one for their relationship, to which Ms. Moxie approved.

However, as Sheldon pointed out, such an agreement would be too large to text. Ms. Moxie agreed and suggested that she set up a special e-mail account just for him. Sheldon was overjoyed. The establishment of the e-mail system was the next step to opening their conversations beyond their texts.

He had never really mastered the art of quick lengthy texts that Ms. Moxie seemed to be so adept at. But with this extension to their communications they would now be able to fully explore each other's minds. Whilst she set up the new shared email account under the name Sheldon and Moxie, he happily went off to draft their Friendship Agreement which he would make sure would stipulate that texts would in future be for emergencies, or brief exchanges of their shared jokes and interesting factoids. It was their first collaboration.

Once the agreement was completed, Sheldon e-mailed it to the address she had texted him and waited impatiently for her response. Though Ms. Moxie was happy with the content, she insisted on using their pseudonyms, rather than their real names to finalize the contract. Sheldon reluctantly acquiesced and allowed the document to be signed under their 'assumed' names. Although he still enjoyed their anonymous relationship, for some reason signing a document under an assumed names seemed to give him a hollow feeling.

Sheldon spent the rest of the day sending numerous emails to Ms. Moxie including a copy of the Roommate agreement that he had with Leonard, with the name changed to protect his identity and the addendum when he married Penny.

Upon viewing the agreement, Ms. Moxie wondered if the rules were a little restrictive, though she did agree that they were rational, and made some suggestions that she felt might make living with Leonard more tolerable. Sheldon was so thrilled to have someone who fully appreciated his perfect grammar and grasp of the legal system. He was more than amenable to any changes and drafted a new Roommate agreement. Leonard would technically still be Sheldon's roommate and as such was still on the hook for grocery shopping, but with sleepovers at 4B. It also stipulated that all social gatherings would still be held at 4A.

Leonard returned to 4A that evening having spent the day bemoaning his lot to Penny and was pleasantly surprised to find Sheldon in an amicable mood. Leonard knew his storming out would only have served to tighten the noose around his neck. So the last thing he expected on his return was to be given a new improved Roommate Agreement.

Sheldon explained that he had sent his new friend a copy of the Roommate agreement and that she had agreed that the rules contained therein were reasonable; however, she had suggested a few adjustments to their agreement to allow for Leonard's unreliable nature. The new agreement was more than Leonard could have hoped for given Sheldon's inflexible history, but Leonard certainly was not going to question it, nor did he comment on his ' **unreliability'.**

Instead, Leonard told Sheldon he was thankful for his friendship with this mystery woman, and that he was happy that Sheldon's girlfriend had been able to calm him down. At Leonard's continued reference to Ms. Moxie as his girlfriend, Sheldon's earlier calm flew away and he spent the next 10 minutes repeating the fact that she was not his girlfriend, but a friend who was a girl.

Exasperated, Leonard said, "Then what do we call her. The girl who is not your girlfriend? That applies to all women."

"Call her Moxie."

Leonard muttered, "I call her crazy for talking to you."

"Really, so do we now call Penny desperate for marrying you, is that where this is going?" Sheldon's face was getting as red as the flash T-shirt he was currently wearing.

"A Moxie it is..." Leonard shut up about Ms. Moxie.

#

Now that the e-mail was up and running, Sheldon spent an enjoyable weekend, writing Ms. Moxie long letters expanding more on the topics they had briefly texted about. But also on things he had never told the others, such as his secret storage unit containing everything he had ever owned, childhood heroes that he wrote to every week, and a further breakdown of his bathroom schedule. Her responses to each of his letters made him feel that he was no longer an outcast, that with all his idiosyncrasies, that he was accepted for himself.

An annoying encounter with Lesley Winkle during lunchtime the following Monday required Sheldon to initiate the emergency clause in the Friendship Agreement as he rushed back to his office and texted Ms. Moxie.

_**"What did she say?"** _

_"She said I was a 6'1 toddler who could only find string theory if it was attached to ball and paddle."_

_**"You're 6'1?"** _

Sheldon still steamed over Lesley Winkle and her taunts. Sheldon had been unable to admit to anyone that he had been bothered by his lack of a breakthrough in String Theory. That, hating to admit it even to himself, he had been stuck. And though none of his friends knew this, he was hurt that they had not defended him, but had actually found the jibe funny and laughed.

Ms Moxie texted again,

_"_ _**Forgive me. I should have said, she had no business commenting on your field of study. That is sacred ground, and anyone who has any manners should know that."** _

_"Thank you for that, Ms. Moxie."_

Sheldon swiveled his chair to look out the window. People milling about the campus laughing and talking to each other so easily. Sheldon could talk, of that there was little doubt, but no one seemed to ever want to hear what he had to say. He could see the looks on his friend's face, the barely hidden smiles whenever someone teased him. The darting eyes to each other, signaling they caught a joke that he could not. He drew in a breath and texted back to her.

_"I just wish I could read minds. I wonder if I can find a neuroscientist to help me. Maybe one needle to the brain would do the trick."_

Moxie took a rather long time to text back and Sheldon nearly checked that his phone hadn't lost cell service. After 5 minutes on "read" she wrote back.

_**"Well a good neuroscientist is hard to find. I think it would take more than just one needle. Not to mention that you hate needles."** _

As Sheldon contemplated her text, another quickly followed.

_**"Anyway, why would you want to know what people think? Most people's random thoughts are banal at best."** _

_"Agreed, but if I had that power then I could tell if someone was joking or laughing at me. Or if they were mad_ _at something I have done or they were just in a bad mood_ _. Often, I find that the group treats me like a child. They have hidden jokes or little eye rolls that they think I don't see. I see it all, and it hurts me."_

_**"I know it does. I am sorry they do that to you."** _

Sheldon smiled to himself as he replied,

_"If I could read their minds, I would know when they make fun of me, and perhaps understand why. I just wish I had had that ability when I was young."_

_**"Why they do it is easy. You are different. Every child that is different is teased, and every child is different in some way. Everyone gets teased when they are young, but I suspect that you have been teased for most of your life."** _

Sheldon rose to shut his office door, symbolically trying to shield the world from his vulnerable state. Once again, he opened his emotions up to her as he had never done to anyone else before. He needed to explain how emotionally exposed he felt every day. For some reason, he did not feel vulnerable with her.

_"It was terrible. The constant taunts from lesser minds simply because they didn't understand my genius."_

_**"I will never understand the cruelty of children. I wonder if it was because you were always in a state of asynchronistic development with the other children, you could never relate to them. Most gifted children feel that way."** _

_"It's true. I have often felt out of time with others my age, even with my twin sister. I was always years ahead of them academically, but socially I was always playing catch up."_

And as ever, her response showed that Ms. Moxie knew exactly what to say. The words that came across his phone comforted him more than he realized he needed. He had something with her that he had never experience before: Empathy.

_**"Your mind was too busy with the mysteries of the universe to craft socially acceptable relationships but that doesn't mean you can't. It just means that you need a little more time than most."** _

_"Exactly. But now I have a circle of friends, yet intimacy and platonic bonding still seems to allude me. But by far the worse is Leslie Winkle, she treats me as I was treated as a child"_

_**"Yes, and now that you are both older, she should know better. Forget about her! She is just goading you. I will email you some replies you can use on this person the next time you are accosted by her."** _

Sheldon sprung up in his chair in delight,

_"Oh thank you. That will fix her little red wagon for sure."_

_**"Good. Now that she is a non-issue, I still want to talk about your anti-social issues."** _

Sheldon slumped back in his chair,

_"I don't have anti-social issues! Just an intolerance for stupid people."_

_**"Sure, I get that. However, I know that developing social relationships or keeping emotional equilibrium is more difficult for advanced children. I speak from experience."** _

_"Really? You were teased as well?"_

As with most of their interests and intellect, Ms. Moxie mirrored Sheldon, however, this time with the shared experience of childhood terrorism. The Law of the Conservation of Pain dictates that shared pain decreases the effect.

_**"Let's say I have the scars to prove it. Remind me to tell you about the Otter story, but back to you. You do have a social group, and keeping friends takes effort. You have to work at it, Sheldon."** _

However, Sheldon still harbored his ill feelings for his group's lack of support and added,

_"Fine. I will try, but Sneezy is grating on me lately. Oh, we need to change his name from Sneezy to something else since his wife gives him pills for hay fever. I suggest Dopey. Despite his allergies, he still seems unable to avoid peanuts. Obviously, he is not smart and after all he is just an engineer without a Doctorate so Dopey fits."_

_**"That's mean, Sheldon."** _

_"Fine... how about Happy because of his committed relationship status."_

Sheldon thought about his choice of words. Happy? For a relationship? From his observations relationships rarely brought happiness. However, though Sheldon had difficulty in judging emotions, Howard did seem to be happier lately, he had all the signs of a happier person according to Sheldon's copy of the "Guide to Understanding Facial Expressions" a tome that Ms. Moxie had recommended he read. Howard had all the signs of happy: He smiled a lot whenever he looked at Bernadette or talked about her or their children and he was positive about life in general. Being committed to one person appeared to suit his personality better than the coitus fixated oaf he was before. Howard seemed to like the tight ropes of relationship, even with the noose around his neck. Good thing Sheldon didn't have to contend with such a requirement, but Howard was a lesser man, so it was a good fit.

Ms. Moxie texted back **:**

_**"I agree. Happy is good. Ok, then you need backups. Think about trying to find some new friends. I know making friends is hard, believe me, but you have proved you can do it. It can be like a game."** _

_"I do love games."_

_**"Good. I will play as well. Let's try and have two new friends by the end of next week. Ready?"** _

_"Set!"_

_**"GO!"** _

Sheldon knew she was serious because she had used three exclamation points. She had only ever done that when he disparaged her love of the 1970's crooner Engelbert Humperdinck and she had responded that he was _**"THE BEST!"**_ Sheldon placed the phone in his pocket and emerged from his office a new man with a mission: Make more friends. He knew none of them would be as good as Ms. Moxie, but he could at least try. For her sake.

#

* * *

_**Moxie** _

_"I am done with Wheezy and all people forever_ _!"_

Was his first text of Saturday morning and she knew something was wrong. He told her the whole argument with Wheezy his roommate, but the next text seemed a joke.

_"You should be my roommate."_

He said, not as an inquiry but as a prescription for his current dilemma.

"Roommates?" She said aloud at such a volume that her neighbor banged on the wall. Sheldon could be so silly, she thought at she picked her latest knitting project off the floor. A man in the next room; what would that be like? His heavy breathing through the thin walls as he snored in his sleep. Theremin lessons, navigating his TV schedule and dietary requirements. And bathroom schedules! Her hands furiously clicked the needles together fast enough to start a fire as she imagined him walking naked from the shower to his bedroom.

His banal fight with his friend might lead to him losing his friend completely and she knew him well enough that the split would destroy him. She realized the same could happen to her if they were in close proximity. Not worth the risk she thought, so she had to put this tantrum to bed like an unruly 2-year-old.

His idea of a friendship agreement gave her some peace. She set up the e-mail address and they now had a legal document that proved she had a friend. One that wouldn't leave her. For a person who always thought she didn't need such an arrangement, she couldn't help to feel something akin to comfort. Everything would stay the same. Hemostasis could be so therapeutic.

She smiled at Sheldon's 'emergency' text clause. Sure, there were silly things about zombies, and such, but how bad could it be.

By the next week, she found out, when the 'emergency' text clause was initiated no sooner than the following Monday. Sheldon had had yet another fight and again was experiencing the all too familiar cruelty of this Leslie Winkle. Moxie couldn't abide this know-it-all woman, and his current friends seemed to be less than supportive. But the whole conversation was almost derailed when he said he was 6'1. She felt that strange feeling again; a localized vascular throbbing. She had to ignore it and help Sheldon.

When he said he needed a neuroscientist, she almost told him she was the best in the field. But something stopped her.

He needed new friends. This idea had been fermenting in her mind since he told her of Wheezy and Sleepy's marriage and their bizarre sleeping arrangements. She had made a suggested amendment to the Roommate Agreement that could temporarily ease matters, but it would only be a matter of time before that changed. Added to that was Happy's new commitments with his children, and she was sure that Bashful's parents would not be dragging their heels in getting him a partner. No, Sheldon needed backup friends.

So she had suggested a game. Though the use of the adjective "New" was a little bit of fib. She didn't have any friends, let alone finding two "new" ones, but she promised Sheldon.

And after all, how hard could it be?

So on Monday morning, wearing the socially acceptable amount of lipstick and sporting a new blouse, she had set off for work. She worked mostly alone, so finding companionship meant she needed to venture to more communal areas. An Internet search revealed that social gathering places garnered the best results. However as noisy crowded bars intimidated her, she had decided to look closer to home and try the coffee break room.

At the coffee maker, she filled a small cup so as not to look out of place. A couple of men from another department were discussing the weekend sporting events, while another three women debated the best use of eye liner. Given the choice, she opted for the men. She knew nothing of makeup given how long it had taken her to apply the stuff on her lips, so she drew on Sheldon's tutelage of football for topics.

She inched toward the men, waiting for a lull the conversation. Though it was the stout man with a plaid shirt and tie who looked the more intimidating, it was the tall thin gentleman who dominated the conversation. A good three minutes had passed before Mr. Beanpole paused for breath. Then holding her paper cup in a tight grip, she girded her loins, cleared her throat and jumped in.

"I hear you discussing the weekend's sporting game between the Cowboys and the Native Americans. I would like to weigh in."

Mr. Beanpole turned towards her with a frown, and stated, "It's the Cowboys and the Redskins."

"I wanted to make our conversation more PC for an office environment. Back to the original topic, don't you think the defense strategy lacked a certain German military panache."

"Uh?" Mr. Beachball's dead-eyed stare told her he might have imbibed over the weekend or perhaps he played the game himself, and suffered from a brain injury. Either way, she needed to clarify.

"Blitz. You know, like the German word for lighting, or the military strategy, or in this case of gridiron American football, a defense strategy of disrupting offensive passing."

The other man asked, "But the Cowboy's blitz mostly worked. They hardly made a point against each other the whole game."

"I see. Then their proper employment of this strategy led to victory. Go Cowboys." She said it with little enthusiasm.

"They lost."

"Oh, maybe they should have used the blitzing thing more." This was about the extent of her football knowledge. Since she had blown the wad chatting up the men, she decided to try to chat up the women instead.

So, before the men could ask any more questions, she said, "If you will excuse me." She put down the coffee cup and quickly moved over to the group of women whose conversation had morphed from makeup to fashion.

She heard one of the women talk about booties. She knew all about booties from when she had knitted 20 pairs for her cousin's baby shower. At least these girls could share a common hobby.

"It's easier if you do three rows of purl before you start on the stocking stitch."

"What? We are talking about booties, you know boots that come to the ankles..." All three women looked at her feet, and one of the girls rolled her eyes. Ms. Moxie knew she was out of her depth and deciding not to engage further with them, she despondently went back to her work area alone, her eyes glued to her non-ankle hugging foot ware.

She repeated this ritual each work day with similar results. The discussion of penis envy didn't seem to go over with the men too well, and the girls cringed at the mention of menses. Every day, she returned to her lab for solace with Engelbert Humperdinck playing in the background. She had attempted to find friends, and even tried to chat up the mail man, the cable guy and her gynecologist, but it was all for naught.

So, she had really tried to make new friends as per her promise to Sheldon. It had been one of the most difficult things she had had to do in her life. She might as well have promised she could win a Nobel Prize in Physics or cure cancer, both seemed more likely.

Sunday evening came and she had to report the project a bust. She had failed, and that fact was the last thing she wanted to admit, especially to him.

She contacted him at the usual time, and waited for him to scold her, but instead, he asked her about knitting. Strange topic, since she thought he was never interested, but they spent the next 10 minutes e-mailing back and forth with him about dental floss and knitting patterns. When he said he felt ill discussing dental floss since it reminded him of his neighbor's habit of using it at the dinner table, she told him to go lay down, and settle his stomach.

She had a reprieve. One extra week to meet the challenge, but she knew it still wouldn't be enough. Making friends was never her forte.


	7. Flirtexing

**Sheldon**

Sheldon's attempt at trying to find two new friends had been unsuccessful. He tried to "cheat" and invite old friends just to get the task done, but Stephen Hawking couldn't make it due to the weak excuse of being in the UK. Sheldon had tried to invite James Earl Jones to a viewing party of Roots, but he had declined saying he had already seen it. The cast of Heroes declined his invitations to a soiree as well, even though they had nothing to do since the show was canceled. Neither did they appreciate the reminder of their lack of employment.

He had skillfully avoided the subject on Sunday by distracting Moxie with more questions about knitting even though they had exhausted the subject previously. Ms. Moxie seemed more than happy to discuss every aspect of the hobby in excruciating detail, and Sheldon didn't think to ask her about her progress on friendship the acquisition. He then faked a sudden onset of IBS symptoms citing an aversion to discussions of dental floss.

However, Moxie had generously suggested the challenge be extended for a 2nd week. She had also graciously not rubbed salt into the wound of his failure by boasting of her success.

The intellectual salon that had been 4A was replaced with the mundane talk of parenthood from Howard and Bernadette, the inconsequential news that Raj's parents had managed to source a bride for Raj and their subsequent wedding plans, plus Penny and Leonard's redecorating 4B for some reason and needing boxes. Even Bernadette's planned biologist conference for the end of the week had been more exciting than this meeting of supposed intellectuals. Sheldon had to find a new salon, but having exhausted all other avenues, Sheldon had been left with the slim pickings of those on the edge of his immediate circle.

#

After the previous week's failed attempt, Sheldon had finally decided to ask Zack, Kripke and Stuart over to an evening of trivia games with prizes. Kripke arrived late of course, with a six-pack of light beer, and soon after, the conversation degenerated. Sheldon's mastery of trivia went unappreciated. The group was more interested in listening to Zack answering questions on his sexual conquest of a lady in a hot tub, than Sheldon answering the questions of the trivia quiz. Sheldon couldn't get the image of swimming in a hot soup of bodily fluids out of his mind, so he kicked them out.

So exactly two weeks after the initial challenge, Sheldon had to report his progress on finding new friends; which was none.

Sheldon and the gang gathered around the leather couch eating their usual Thai food when a phone emitted a familiar alert. However, unlike every other time, they heard the alert; Sheldon ignored it and continued to push his food around the full plate instead.

Penny said, "Sheldon... Your pants is ringing."

"Are ringing, and yes I know." Sheldon automatically corrected Penny while he looked for some soy sauce to help his dinner. He picked up the non-low sodium soy sauce bottle, and glaring at Leonard, he mouthed out, "You had one job."

Penny looked to Leonard for help. Leonard ignored Sheldon's non-verbal jibe and shaking his head replied instead to Penny's silent plea.

"Sheldon's being a pedant again."

"I hardly think using good grammar would qualify me as a pedant." Sheldon picked around at his Mee Krob and adjusted his legs to mask the ring tone.

Leonard said, "No, but correcting everyone is pedant, Sheldon."

"That should be pedantic since you changed from describing me as a noun to using an adjective."

"Exactly...Thank you for making my point." Leonard snapped.

Interrupting the sparring match between Sheldon and Leonard, Penny attempted to argue grammar with Sheldon "But it is **one** pair of pants."

Leonard tried to help Penny out of the hole she was digging herself into, "Yes, but it's plural, since it's a pair..." Leonard nodded to Sheldon who was too busy fussing in his pocket trying to mute the sound on his phone. Ignoring Leonard's comments, Penny turned back to Sheldon with a glare as his phone rang again.

"Yes... well THOSE pants are still ringing and hey isn't that the tune from that old show with David Hasselhoff in, the one before he did Bay Watch...Leonard, what's that show?"

Penny glanced over to Leonard, "Knight Rider."

"Night Rider?" Penny squealed as she teased Sheldon, "Oh, I get it! That's your lady friend, isn't it? Now I get it. Maybe she likes to ride around at night... you know..." Penny nudged Sheldon in the side and her wink and sneer obviously implied much more than a simple ride. Sheldon was incensed at the slur upon Ms. Moxie's reputation. To insinuate that she did anything untoward at night was insulting to say the least.

Sheldon snapped at her, "No, I don't know what you mean. She doesn't do anything at all hours of the night. Besides, it's KNIGHT Rider... with a K!"

Ignoring Sheldon's comment, Penny just grinned, "Whatever, I guess she told you she had a crush on David Hasselhoff or something."

"She didn't have a crush on him, Penny. She liked the voice of the car!"

Ms. Moxie's texts were like that car: His own sentient technology guiding him through the malaise of social interactions. Ms. Moxie had admitted that she had liked the show for the main character, which Sheldon assumed was the car. However, Penny didn't need to know that.

"Face it, Sheldon. She's hot for the Hoff."

Bernadette added. "If it doesn't work out with your fake girlfriend when she leaves you for David Hasselhoff, I can introduce you to this girl I met at the conference last week. You'd love her. Totally into weird stuff and smart as a-"

"Not interested."

"Fine...Your loss. I think she'd be perfect for you." As the tune rang out again Bernadette added, "Also...your fake girlfriend texted you again."

Sheldon only stabbed at his unsatisfying dinner and muttered, "Knight Rider is with spelt a K..."

Leonard added, "...and pedantic is spelled with a P."

Finally, after the third tone, Penny had had enough and snapped at Sheldon.

"Oh, for goodness sake Sheldon, why don't you reply to the dammed phone?"

He was unusually reluctant to answer Ms. Moxie's text. He thought he could put off admitting his defeat, but unfortunately, the delay had enabled his nosy friends to recognize the alert tone he had assigned Ms. Moxie. But before he could answer Howard cut him off.

"He's in trouble. I know that look. Better face the music, pal. Even your fake girlfriend has you whipped." And with a smirk, Howard pulled out his phone and used an app to make a whipping sound.

Sheldon tried to avoid the group's stares. He knew exactly what Moxie would be seeking. An update on the challenge they had set each other 2 weeks ago. A task that he had still not achieved. So far, his attempts in trying to gain 2 new friends were for naught.

So, ignoring the group, Sheldon dried his sweaty palms on his pants, pulled out his phone and read the three texts so far received.

_**"Hello, Sheldon."** _

_**"I assume you're having dinner."** _

_**"Are you enjoying your Thai food?"** _

_"Hello Ms. Moxie. Sorry for the late reply, but I was reading a book on helium. I couldn't put it down."_

Sheldon chuckled at his science joke, but he didn't get the response he wanted.

_**"I take it by your delay in replying and terrible joke that last week was a bust as well."** _

Of course she knew that his attempts had been a bust. Crafty woman. Sheldon had to text back something. He was caught.

_"If you knew how to read minds, you really should let a guy in on it."_

_**"No mind-reading required when it comes to you. Now, tell me all about it."** _

Ignoring her latest request, he responded to the first question,

_"The Meh Krob is dry and Wheezy refused to complain since that is where we get our weekly Thai food take away. He says we have to maintain a good relationship. I sent a letter instead."_

_**"Don't change the subject with humdrum chit chat. It's unbecoming. You know I meant our friendship experiment."** _

_"Fine. You caught me."_

_**"So speaking of maintaining good relationships, do you want to tell me what happened last week and why you were unsuccessful?"** _

Ms. Moxie did not always ask direct questions, especially on what could be deemed an awkward subject, allowing Sheldon to make the decision on whether to provide the information she sort, or not. This time, it wasn't a story Sheldon was ready to give up.

_"Not really."_

_**"Very well Sheldon, I realize that it is probably difficult for you to expand on this at the moment as you are currently not alone, do you want to go somewhere more private and e-mail me when you are ready."** _

Sheldon texted back his agreement and upon leaving his nosey companions to gossip in his absence, he trudged back to his room and closed the door. He opened the lap-top he had already set up on the end table, e-mailed her, and then turned the screen to the wall so he could get dressed for bed. The beep of an incoming e-mail came just as he pulled on his pajama bottoms. Sheldon flourished his robe like a cape around his shoulders, before putting it on and tying it tight around his waist. He flung himself on the bed with a bounce of defiance as he picked up his lap-top.

_**"So we both had an extra week to try...?"** _

Moxie left the question hanging, unfinished, something Sheldon had to complete

_"I invited Stuart, Kripke and Zack over for the game night."_

_**"And?"** _

_"There were complications."_

_"_ _**What complications?"** _

_"They were annoying."_

Sheldon should have known he wasn't really interested in maintaining any real friendship with the three men, since he hadn't even bothered to give them cute nick names or hide their identity.

_**"Why? Was it this Stuart person's breathing again? Sheldon I told you, some people have a problem chewing with their mouth closed."** _

_"NOT THAT!"_

_**"Then what upset you? Was it really important or did you look for things to upset you?"** _

_"Anyone would have found their conversation offensive. I just don't think I should repeat it to you."_

Sheldon looked back and checked the door to make sure it was locked up tight. If Ms. Moxie asked him why, he would have to answer her.

_**"Why?"** _

Drats.

_"Since you are a lady."_

_**"A curious lady, so I can handle it. Tell me."** _

_"They were so crass."_

Sheldon wanted to leave it at that, but Ms. Moxie typed back:

_**"..."** _

He knew he had to tell her something. The last thing he wanted to do was to give a blow by blow of Zack's watery liaison. Finally, he decided he had to tell her the truth so she would know he wasn't making a big deal over nothing.

_"Zack was describing his conquest with a certain woman in a hot tub."_

_**"Tell me everything."** _

Why would she want to know about something so salacious, Sheldon wondered.

_"I will not!"_

_**"Well, tell me something!"** _

Ms. Moxie rarely used the exclamation point in any of her communications, other than about Englebert Humperdinck, so Sheldon was taken back.

_"Why are you so interested?"_

_**"A girl has to have some fun living vicariously through other's mistakes. Spill it!"** _

_"Well, if you must know, they were overly concerned with women's physical appearances and the fact that this particular woman had large enough mammary glands to feed a large army."_

It had also irked him that because the guys couldn't keep Sheldon's virtual relationship a secret, the whole campus of Cal-Tech knew that Sheldon had a mystery woman he would communicate with on an hourly basis. And the truth was Sheldon was tired of Kripke's constant taunts and jibes over his relationship with Ms. Moxie

_**"Most men bond over the objectification of women. They like to compare their conquests; successful or imagined. They especially give extra deference or props, as they say, to those men who can land a "Hot Babe", as they also say."** _

_"Well my erstwhile friends and acquaintances have been on at me about what you look like, and I have informed them that I am not interested in that. Our relationship is a meeting of minds and intellect - not based on trivia such as looks and baser urges. I don't need a girl who is hung up on her looks. I have my sister for that."_

Sheldon hit send before he realized what he typed sounded like he was promoting Ms. Moxie as "his girl."

He held his breath as he waited for a reply while. Too pent up to keep still he stood and paced back and forth across his room like a caged tiger. Finally, Ms. Moxie replied. He could almost see her blush from her text as he returned to his position on the bed.

_**"Sheldon, I am flattered. I really like the idea that you feel like that about me. However, back to the original topic. So the social experiment to expand your friend base was a bust?"** _

_"Yes."_

_"_ _**I failed as well, I have to admit."** _

_"You did?"_

Sheldon was completely shocked that she hadn't completed the task, but pleased at her failure and a wave of schadenfreude overwhelmed him. Who wouldn't want to become friends with this fascinating woman? He imagined that she would have had hordes of friends just begging for attention at all hours of the night. Her social calendar should be filled, but the obligations would distract her from her pursuits and more importantly, from Sheldon. He could not help but selfishly smile at her admission.

_**"Yes, last week, I didn't make any friends and I didn't want to admit defeat. However, this week, I did meet one person with whom I am now on a friendlier basis; a nice woman in my building who now gives me Armenian cookies. I also spoke with another woman at a conference who asked me to call her. So a little progress. But you have made friends before and you can do so again. I want to know, are you really ready to give up on our Friendship Acquisition experiment?"** _

She hooked him with that line. Sheldon Cooper does not give up. But, science wasn't flowing, his friends were unwelcoming, and his life seemed stalled. At least he had one thing going for him, Ms. Moxie and he couldn't let her witness his defeat.

_"No. This Sheldon doesn't give up."_

_**"That's what I like to hear. Or read, as the case may be."** _

_"However, I was not aware of the parameters before I started this experiment."_

_**"In what way?"** _

_"It seems finding a person matching my intellect is quite daunting."_

_**"They don't need to match your intellect, which would be impossible. Your current friends do not have this requirement, why should your future friends be put under the same scrutiny?"** _

_**"** _ _Because as far as I can see, all most men seem to be interested in is sexual conquests and I have never been with a woman in a carnal fashion."_

_**"Then make something up."** _

_"I should lie?"_

Lying was not in his wheelhouse but he could exaggerate to gain social standing. If pressed, he could lie as long he didn't have to keep up the ruse. He taught Leonard how to lie to avoid watching Penny in a terrible play. Sheldon may not be good at lying, but he was good with secrets. He had many.

_**"Lie is a strong word. Just extend the truth. You could say you are interested in pursuing that avenue of physical contact, and you plan on doing some carnal experiments with some lucky woman."** _

_"But I'm not. Isn't that a lie?"_

_**"Not a lie so much as an overstatement of interest. You don't have to do the act, just say that you are interested and you will be accepted into the social circle. You don't have to say HOW much interested you are. The quantity of your interest is minimal."** _

_"Exactly, non-existent. "_

_**"There is no absolute, ergo you can say with honesty you have an interest. They don't need to know it's .0000001%."** _

_"Good point."_

_**"Right, then you will be part of the conversation. Once you get your prospective friends acclimated to you, they will be enamored by your brilliance and you will have enough friends that you can cull the herd, choose with whom you grace your presence and allow in your world."** _

Sheldon wondered what he could possibly say to show he had interest any in coitus. He was never any good at lying, his face and body ticks gave him away. In fact, as he was fond of repeating his own joke, he had more ticks than a Lyme disease research facility. As he was pondering this problem he received a further message from Ms. Moxie.

_"_ _**Sex sells, Sheldon. Just give the people what they want. Tap into that vast knowledge base of yours and just discuss what you have probably seen in countless films and modern TV shows."** _

Sheldon would have to feign interest in a subject that he is not remotely interested in. Could he do it? Well, he thought, he could fake interest with Moxie's knitting, Leonard's professional career, and Penny's yoga, he could do it with sex. After all, it was just like those things combined: curling something together in a sweaty and physically taxing exercise and ultimately futile and unfulfilling.

_"I can try."_

_**"Good! Well try and have fun with it. Maybe start with a possible scenario that you have had coitus. We will discuss next Monday."** _

_"Wait! I need help with this. You can't just leave me hanging here. I need to know who, what, where and especially how."_

_**"Okay. I will try and think of something."** _

Sheldon breathed a sigh of relief. He had outsourced lying about coitus, like a playboy Tom Sawyer. He was a genius after all.

_**"You will need to think of a few things as well."** _

_"Do I have to?"_ Sheldon slumped down. So much for outsourcing this task.

_**"YES! This is your story. You can start with the 'who' you want for this imagined dalliance."** _

Sheldon relaxed into his pillow, he had completed his task.

_"Easy. You. Now I did my part. You do the how."_

_**"Me?"** _

_"Who else? I can't imagine being with anyone else in the world besides you."_

Sheldon hit send and thought about his own words as if they came from another person's mouth. Sheldon could imagine a number of things, being in a 2-dimensional universe, having three Nobel prizes or winning on a cooking show with Meamaw's brisket recipe, but "being" with a person in the carnal sense? That would take a paradigm shift of his self-identity that would shatter his foundation to the core.

Sheldon had sent his response quickly, and without hesitation, he had to hit pause on his emotions and catch up. Moxie's late reply didn't help his rapid heartbeat.

She seemed to not realize the gravity of his words when she sent:

_**"Fantastic! Use me. Ravage me. Let my body be your playground, virtually, I mean. You've got some homework, buddy. I expect the outline of a 'knock your socks off' love making session by next Monday night."** _

Sheldon loved homework.

_"You've just said that magic words. Our evening text will be at 9:00 PM on the dot, so expect to be lacking hosiery before bed time."_

_**"Let's think about how we can make you out to be the stallion you are!"** _

_"No one is going to put reins on this horse, little miss, let me tell you."_

_**"Not a problem. We can make sure the guys THINK you are stud. I need to do research. Talk to you later... STUD."** _

Sheldon couldn't help but let out a giggle. Never in all his life had he ever been called a stud.

#

Moxie:

On the Monday evening following their first week of the challenge, Moxie had sighed with relief to receive Sheldon's confession of his failure. So she had suggested extending the challenge for another week, whilst carefully not mentioning her own failure.

She had arrived home Tuesday evening, after a grueling day of again attempting to make friends at work with the administrative staff. She could have tried with her peers, other like-minded scientists, but most of those seemed to be too busy with their own work or friends to widen their circles. She drove to a fast food restaurant and arrived at her apartment with enough time to wolf down her unhealthy food before her scheduled call with Sheldon. However, before she could reach her door, Mrs. Kokosian, one of her neighbors, stopped her in the hallway.

"Why you eat that bad food! No good! Girls need good food. That make you fat"

"Yes, I know. I hardly eat this type-"

Mrs. Kokosian didn't seem to want any such excuses like, Moxie didn't have time, or she just wanted a high fat and carb meal to wash away the day. Mrs. Kokosian pulled her into her apartment and shoved a plate of rice, some grilled chicken that smelled divine and pita bread with a roasted tomato. "You eat this. Healthy girl needs good food, friends and a nice husband."

"I think those things are out of my reach." She smiled at the kind woman. What she really needed was a Nobel Prize, a backstage pass to Neil Diamond's concert, and a dishwasher that didn't stop on the rinse cycle.

But Mrs. Kokosian kept pestering and putting the plate in her hand, she said. "Friends keep you young, happy. You lonely girl, so I be your friend. You get cookies." She took the bag of fast food out of her hand. The grease had already stained the paper and replaced it with a bag of cookies.

"Nice? Yes. Good?" The kind woman's smile was as intoxicating as the smell from the cookies. As Moxie went back to her apartment, she thought about what Mrs. Kokosian said. A husband was never needed, and good food could be had, but making friends wasn't an easy task.

Devouring the plate of delicious food, she thought of the experiment on Friend's Acquisition. In all good experiments, one must examine the variables. Her sample size might have been too narrow. Where could she meet like-minded individuals that shared her interests? As she thought about the idea, she glanced over to her mail and an advertisement for a drug company-sponsored biology conference due to be held at the end of the week, caught her eye. She might be able to pull off finding friends before her deadline with Sheldon or at least get some good conference swag she could sell on Ebay.

So that Friday evening, she found herself in the crowded Hilton conference center in Pasadena ready to interact with as many people as she could. The large room off the lobby had rows of booths from every drug manufacturer and bio-chemical supplier in the Los Angeles area. However, far from a conference of like minds, this room seemed more like the Wal-Mart of science. She doubted many people in attendance had a degree in science; rather Marketing and Sales based on the gorgeous women manning the booths handing out free samples of useless items with logos to hock their brands. The crowd seemed especially interested in one booth manned by a good-looking blonde woman who looked like the same girl from a hemorrhoid commercial.

When the crowds moved in, the air started to feel a little thin, so she backed herself against a wall behind the booth just to catch her breath and escape the horde. She wondered if the numerous drug companies' hosting this event had a cure for agoraphobia.

A small blonde woman rifling through supplies and restocking the pamphlets had a sympathetic smile for her.

"Too much eh? These conventions can get pretty crazy. Especially when you get out the good swag. Watch em go crazy when I pull out these bad boys." The woman, who had a high-pitch voice and was, no taller than 5 foot pulled a plastic water bottle out of a cardboard box. "These will go like hot cakes even though they are loaded with diethylhexyl adipate."

"Yes, but the EPA classified that a non-cancer causing since there is no evidence of teratogenic effects, immunotoxicity, neurotoxicity in studies."

"Well, don't tell my company Zangen that. We are developing a drug to counteract the effects, though the side effects are nose bleeds and anal leakage." The woman handed her a bottle, "You can have the first one."

"Thank you." She wanted to introduce herself, but the woman asked too fast.

"So, what company you with?"

"UCLA." She said with a smug smile.

"Oh, academia, huh? No money there, but good work going on." The woman asked her about her field and what she worked on and she let the flood gates open. Finally a person she could speak to who had an inkling of her interests. After about 15 minutes or so of a great conversation about the effects of extracellular secretion of mutant huntingtin proteins as it relates to the history of Lewy body dementia which morphed into the Three Stooges, the woman said a strange thing: "Oh you'd fit right in with my friends. I got this one guy, just like you. You should meet him."

"That would be acceptable under the right circumstance-" But before she could get any more information, the woman's colleague yelled over for her to come up and help deal with the unruly crowd.

"Hey! They are killing me up here! Get those bottles and get your butt up here!" The woman turned to the crowd and said sweetly, "Now let me tell me you the benefits of a new drug we are developing for eye lash decay. May cause blindness, but you'll never need an Instagram filter again!"

A screech came from the stage, "BERNIE!"

"I better get up there. Text me your info and we can chat more." The woman's business card said, "Dr. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz."

She left the conference with a bottle in hand and a little spring in her step. At least she did her homework, and had someone to call.


	8. CatCall

**Sheldon** :

Sleep evaded Sheldon as he tossed around his bed like a fish gasping for breath. He tried desperately to get comfortable. He had to come up with something to tell Moxie to prove that he had done his homework. _Make up a sex scene_. Crafting a believable lie was bad enough, but coming up with sexually believable lies, that was off the rails. Speaking of rails…Maybe if he thought of trains? Sheldon fell asleep dreaming of trains and a shadowy figure of a brunette woman in a mint-green flowing dress, her face unclear as she softly pressed her lips to his.

The next morning eventually dawned and as he readied himself for the day, thoughts of last night's homework assignment kept him distracted. During the car ride over to Cal Tech, he revisited his dream about trains and the mystery woman. At one point, he almost asked Leonard about some sexual activities he could tell Ms. Moxie, but then had second thoughts. She wanted realistic details of sexual prowess, and he didn't think Leonard would be a good source.

Sheldon spent the work day thinking how he would have his way with Ms. Moxie that any potential new friends would believe. He remembered all Zack's exploits, but none of them seemed worthy of her. Also, she had mentioned 45 minutes for sexual release on a previous message. How had she put it, " **Just** _ **a quick 45-minute session a week and you're done**_ **."**

At least that was something that was quantitative. Sheldon could start with that. He started thinking about kissing. He had watched Star Trek enough times and had seen Captain Kirk's encounters with numerous alien females - funny how they were always humanoid – and at one point even Uhura. He knew theoretically what to do, but how would it feel to kiss her? Could he describe it with enough detail without a frame of reference? What would her mouth taste like? How would her lips feel softly caressing his?

Sheldon willed his fantastic memory to go to the dream and recall the details. The image started chaise, nothing more than a peck, but as soon as he imagined her lips, he was drawn closer to her, holding her hips he pulled her toward him, embracing her, engulfing her, but he had got no further and the deadline was looming.

A short knock on his office door pulled Sheldon from his thoughts.

"Hey buddy. How ya doing? About ready to go home."

"Fine Leonard. I am in the middle of that um... new project, can you give me more a little time?"

"Sure, buddy, no problem. Just shout when you are ready." Leonard ducked out of the office like scared rabbit.

He tried to refocus but without success. This was the first time in his life that Sheldon Cooper had failed to complete his homework. However, Ms. Moxie said she would come up with something. If she gave her answer first, he could work with what he knew would be a brilliant scene. He could just add details. It wasn't cheating if they had to turn in the assignment together.

That evening Sheldon's mind wasn't on their food or Leonard's current phase of over- attentiveness. His thoughts were still on the imagined kiss. No kiss could ever be that good. One touch of her lips and he was speechless? Impossible. He had to tone it down and make the details believable or the lie would collapse like a Black Hole.

As the dinner conversation with the group was tapering off, Sheldon decided, as he often did since becoming friends with Moxie, to retire to the bedroom for privacy. He walked quickly to his room, locked the door behind him, kicked off his shoes, and put on his pajamas. He looked at his watch; 8:42 PM. He had less than twenty minutes to cram for the assignment. He lay on his back on the bed and looked around his room for inspiration. Superheroes and Science: If that wasn't sexy, Sheldon didn't know what was.

Turning on this stomach, he kicked his legs up behind him. Maybe Cat Woman wearing a lab coat? Or a woman in classic Star Trek's uniform willing to play doctor. Worth a shot. Before he could think of anything more, at exactly 9:00 PM he heard the sound of an incoming instant message on Google.

_**"Hey Stud. Ready to ride?"** _

Sheldon leaped off the bed to check that the room was locked again. He needed privacy for this conversation. Not that he was embarrassed. This was a ruse, nothing more; a made-up dalliance to quell his testosterone-laden cohort's curiosity. Nothing more. He had no interest in the subject matter. Back on the bed, he licked his lips as he wrote back,

_"I might have a few ideas."_

He hoped Ms. Moxie would give him something to work with but she dove right in.

_**"Great. How are you going to ravage me?"** _

He licked his lips again, drew in a short breath and typed back,

_"What exactly would I say to get you to allow this ravaging, specifically?"_

_**"Try this passage that I recently read in a romance novel that was free on my Kindle: 'Woman, get on the exam table and let me have my way with you'. However, change 'exam table' to 'bed', and you're golden."** _

Sheldon felt a thrill surge through him, he had the same feeling when he got the right answer to trivia or he told someone off who cut in line. He liked the idea of being commanding, but really, surely that was too easy.

_"Really? It's that easy to get a woman into bed?"_

_"_ _**Now that I think about it, you're right. You'd have to work a little harder than that. If it were me, you'd have to butter me up with science talk."** _

_"Now we're talking. That's in my wheelhouse."_

Sheldon smiled and relaxed on the bed again.

_**"However, none of the friends you mentioned will want to hear any science talk. So try this...After a romantic dinner and one too many glasses of champagne, we went back to my apartment. The trick is in the details. You work on that, and I'll get back to my book."** _

Sheldon curled up the side of his mouth in a devious grin.

_"Yes! Details! Every good lie depends on details. I need lots of them."_

This lady knew how to lie. Too bad Leonard never took the lesson to heart, or they wouldn't have had to watch Penny's horrendous play.

Sheldon wrote back,

_"Ok, let's get down to it and outline our heated night of passion. Where is your apartment?"_

_**"Given that you told me you live near the comic book store in Pasadena, I will tell you west of you, but that is not important."** _

Sheldon ratted off a series of questions before she could reply to one:

_"What is the house number? How did we get there? Did you drive? If so, what kind of car? Have you had it serviced recently? What color is it?"_

_**"Sheldon, they don't need to know all that."** _

_"Way to go with the details, Moxie! We are trying to paint a picture here."_

_**"Look, they don't care where you and I coiled together in love's sweet embrace, just that we did and it is the specifics of that ACT what the guys want, not house numbers or car models, get it?"** _

_"Yes. I think so. But I have a problem."_

_**"Is it that that you never had sex and have no idea where to begin?"** _

_"No worse... I don't drink! How could I have had champagne? Besides, the bubbles make my nose feel funny."_

_**"Remember, this isn't real! Besides, getting a little tipsy would be a more believable reason for you giving up your long aversion to sex. Pick a different booze, but keep it credible."** _

_"But I would never have coitus if I drank even though I do have history of taking off my pants."_

_**"Let's shelf that story for now. Just give THIS pantless story a chance."** _

_"Won't they think we should be in love, or some silly social construct?"_

_**"Sheldon, none of this real. You don't have to be in love for sex."** _

_"I could have a brain parasite."_

_"_ _**You don't have a brain parasite, you don't have to be in love; this is fantasy Sheldon, right? Again, I will clarify...You just need believable minutiae that your horny friends would be interested in just so you will be included in this group's male bonding exercise. Nothing more."** _

_"I know. The trick to any deceitful enterprise hinges on details. Fine. I will go with your story. Tell me, what did we do next?"_

_**"You tell me, it's your story. Where should we begin?"** _

So much for getting out of the homework, he grumbled. At least he had something. He typed back,

_"I think I would have had to kiss you. Wouldn't I?"_

_**"I think so. For how long?"** _

_"How long do you want me to kiss you?"_

If she said 45 minutes, he would be ready.

_**"36 seconds, no breaks. Then rip my clothes off."** _

_"Really? That long with no breaks? You wouldn't be able to breathe."_

_**"I will suffer through. The point is we are crafting a fantasy, not reality. You can make the liaison however you want and depending on your delivery, they will believe it."** _

_"I will have to give this a lot of thought."_

_**"Wait a minute, mister...I thought you had. Did you not do your homework, Sheldon?"** _

Caught red handed. He pushed out his bottom lip in a pout and hit the keys back,

_"I tried! This isn't easy for me."_

_**"I know. I will help if I can. I am doing research as we speak. Why don't you get back to me when you have something and I will try and help spice up the particulars?"** _

_"Thank you Moxie."_

_**"Anytime."** _

Sheldon looked over to his bookshelf which housed his prized comic collection. As he glanced over the DC section, a smile bloomed on his face and he turned back to the screen and typed:

_"Okay, I got something."_

_**"Already? It's only been 3 minutes."** _

_"I have an active imagination."_

_**"I guess so. So what do you have?"** _

_Sheldon's smug smile covered his face._

_"How do you feel about wearing costumes?"_

Ms. Moxie replied within a minute, but Sheldon could tell she was unpleased by the three dots that preceded her comment.

_**"...Really? Okay... Let's say it's our first time having sex and you want me to dress up in a costume to fulfill some juvenile fantasy?"** _

_"Hey, don't criticize me. You were the one who said our dalliance would have to be something "my horny cohorts would be interested in."_

_**"Fine... No romance it is. What silly get-up do I have to put on?"** _

_"Have you ever heard of Cat Woman?"_

_**"I am sorry, but there is no way I am going to put on a Cat Woman costume for our first time having sex."** _

_"Let me paraphrase you again, "they don't care what you and I wear, just that we are coiled together in love's sweet embrace and it is the specifics of that ACT is what the guys want."_

_**"Damn your memory."** _

_"Cut and Paste helps."_

_**"Fine. I'll be Cat Woman. Meow."** _

_"Great! Now to decide which one?"_

Sheldon wondered what Ms. Moxie would look like in a Cat Woman mask. She would be stunning with her eyes peering through two slivers of a black mask as for her hair... He lost the image since he had no information about her at all. Sheldon would never be able to get the right mask if he didn't know her face.

_"I need to know what you look like."_

Now they were finally getting somewhere. Having an eidetic memory helps when one wants to recall a heated made up dalliance, but one needs an image as well. He can remember everything she has typed, but to see her face that would make the whole kissing image spring to life. If she would give him some hint as to what she looked like, this whole business could be over in the 45 minute time frame.

_**"Why do you need to know what I look like? Make something up."** _

_"I need believable details. A visual aid, so to speak."_

_**"Haven't you thought about what I might look like?"** _

Sheldon had wondered what she looked like, but only in passing. There was a woman he saw once who was staring at him at a conference at Cal Tech. She had long brown hair and a strong chin and nose. Her eyes pierced him and he felt drawn to her from across the room. That 15-second glance from a perfect stranger might be a good model but he'd need to keep his options open and Moxie's picture would help.

_"Intelligent, bright, brimming with knowledge."_

_**"That's my brain, what about the rest of me? What do you imagine when you talk to me?"** _

Sheldon paused for a moment and rolled onto his back. He put his forearm on his head and thought about the image in his mind of Ms. Moxie. She had to have long hair, and if had to pick a color, he'd say brunette. Sheldon adored long hair and the way it might perambulate on her shoulders like streams of chocolate. He wanted her to smell nice; like fruit or that fragrant clean smell of fresh laundry. She must have piercing eyes like the ones that drive into your soul with a glance. And since no one was around, large buttocks. He did after all have a sense of the biological imperative to be attracted to large wide hips also he hoped to talk her into the original Cat Woman costume, rather than the one Michelle Pfeiffer wore. He was never a fan of torn clothing.

Just as he was about to sit up and type in her description, her signature e-mail alert sounded.

His heart pounded as he realized she had sent an attachment. Maybe she sent him a picture. Finally, he could have an image to put to that kiss. He smiled at the thought, but as he opened the attachment, he immediately frowned.

There was a picture of a woman, blond, toned, tanned and with far too much makeup and highlights to be considered a natural beauty. Her hair was feathered back with so much shellac of hair spray that Sheldon was sure it would cut him if he touched it. The woman looked like any other woman you would see on the streets of Los Angeles looking for their big break in show business, or worse, the closest beach. Both prospects reminded him of the girls in Texas: Big Hair and bigger egos. A terrible thought occurred to him: What if this was Ms. Moxie? His shoulders drooped in displeasure. He scolded himself, her appearance shouldn't matter to a man like Sheldon Cooper. He was beyond such trivialities such as judging a person based on clothes or their mien, but he couldn't stem this disappointment.

_"Is that you?"_

_**"Do you want it to be?"** _

Sheldon's daddy told him never to comment on a woman's appearance unless you're out of the line of fire and Sheldon didn't have his shields up.

_"If I answer yes, and it's not you, then I will insult you. If I answer no, and it is you, then I insult you. This is what General Ackbar calls, "A Trap!"_

_**"You really don't know who that is?"** _

_"It's not General Ackbar."_

_**"Who is that?"** _

_"You really don't know who General Ackbar is?"_

_**"You really don't know who Farrah Fawcett is?"** _

Ms. Moxie typed back a link to IMDB for Farrah Fawcett just as Sheldon sent a link to General Ackbar from Star Wars proclaiming, "It's a trap."

Ms. Moxie wrote back,

_"_ _**A popular actress from the seventies and not a fish, like that space show you watch."** _

_"Why did you send that picture?"_

_**"I had to think of a commonly attractive woman that most men would find appealing. Popular culture is filled with them."  
** _ _"I don't want what's popular, I want you. I don't want some beautiful woman; I want you."  
_ __**"I think my socks have been knocked off."**

Sheldon smiled until she wrote back **,**

_**"Sarcasm."** _

It was nice that she always told him when she had made a sarcastic comment, but this time it didn't make sense. Why would she say that? She knew that Sheldon wasn't a common man. He had a refined taste, and would only want to be with a person that was his equal. She must have been mistaken.

_"What do you mean?"_

_**"Sheldon, you don't want me. You need a fantasy. A perfect woman who can excite your friends."** _

_**"** _ _But that's you."_

_**"No. It's not. Not even in a Cat Woman get up. I just stimulate your mind. That is not enough for your friends. You need a beautiful woman for this script, and I don't fit the part. You said so yourself. "I don't want some beautiful woman, I want you." Ergo, you think I am not beautiful."** _

Nonsense. Sheldon Cooper wasn't going to let her get away that so easily. If he couldn't have her for this deceitful enterprise, then no one at all.

He wrote back,

_"If beauty was measured by the mind, then you are the most beautiful person I have the pleasure of meeting. I can't ever imagine that I would ever be able to physical with a person, but if I did, it would have to be someone who stimulates my mind as well as my heart. The only choice possible, the only person who has come close to this scenario, is you. You're my ._ _**0000001** _ _%"_

It took over two minutes for her to respond. But finally she wrote him back,

" _ **Thank you for that, Sheldon**_ _."_

Sheldon wondered if what he said was too personal. Intimacy was never a possibility for him. With her, he never had to worry about touching, holding hands, kissing or any other exchange of bodily fluids. He had never entertained any notion that he needed intimacy in any fashion. However, if he ever did give in some biological urge, some prefrontal cortex derived fantasy of gratification, he couldn't imagine it with anyone but her.

To do so, he would have to admit he was weak. He never wanted to appear weak to her. She was probably unnerved by his admission, but her insistence on casting the role for his fantasy woman as anyone other than her irritated him.

Still, he was curious about the possibility and more importantly, her reaction to the idea of coitus. An experiment crossed his mind.

He wrote nervously,

_"Would you ever be interested in engaging in coitus just once in our relationship?"_

He sent the message and held his breath for her response, but all he received was her indication that she was typing a comment.

_"..." ._

Had he overstepped the mark? He didn't wait. He immediately typed back:

_"Bazinga."_

_"_ _**Ha ha. Be serious. I know you would never be interested in that. So let's move on."** _

He breathed out a sigh and rested his back against the headboard.

_"Now, we have determined the who, and where. You at your apartment. Tell me the how so I can get this over with tonight. I want to wake up early tomorrow and watch Star Wars. I recommend you do the same."_

_**"I'm not the one who wasted time, but let's see if I can get this over with while I still have some patience."** _

Ms. Moxie sent him a long e-mail:

_"_ _**We go my apartment, after an evening of stimulating conversation where you educate me on all things concerning comic books and Cat Woman. You walk me to my door as any gentleman would. I expect a short kiss me goodnight, but I know you want more. I ask about..."** _

_"_ _ **Catwoman, then called "the Cat", first appeared in Batman #1 (Spring 1940)**_ _ **...fill in trivial nonsense as needed**_ _..._ typed in a different font so Sheldon knew she cut and paste it off the internet,

_**Captivated by my brilliance, you decided to kiss me good night.** _ _**It's a quick kiss at first, but soon, you curl your arms around my waist and pull me close to you. We pull apart, for a moment to catch our breath, but with a look, you decided what you wanted. You push me against the door, mold your hands around my face and neck before you kiss me again but this time, you pull my body toward yours. I can feel your urgency, your desire. Every muscle is tense, your mind blank for the first time in years, focused on one action, one feeling and you succumb to it. Your hands slip down from neck, along my arms, to my waist then latch onto my hips. The only thing you hear is a subtle soft moan off my lips as I surrender to you. Before you pull away, your lips press against mine once more, to capture the feeling, and memorize it."** _

After a nearly a minute, Sheldon typed back all he could think to say:

_"That was nice."_

_"_ _**I should hope so** _ _."_

Moxie wrote back and then a second e-mail:

_"_ _**Sorry, no cat woman costume comments during coitus. I will leave that detail to you. Also, I am** _ _ **not** _ _**watching Star Wars tomorrow. Good night, Sheldon** _ _."_

Sheldon typed back,

_"Good night."_

He slid down his bed onto his back and touched his smiling lips before drifting off to sleep.

#

_**Moxie:** _

She held the phone in her hand, ready to dial the number from the business card and reread the name: Dr. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski-Wolowitz. What a mouthful! She had tried to dial the number all day but couldn't find her courage. She had made excuses all weekend. She had cleaned her kitchen and the cabinets. She reorganized the spice rack by the Latin names and bleached the sink. In the end her kitchen looked better than a showroom.

On Monday she had avoided the call during the day by working on a new dissection and after work, she told herself that calling anyone during dinner would be too disruptive, and too intrusive during the evening, besides being busy with Sheldon's call. Today had been dedicated to thinking up some scenario for Sheldon that evening, and reading a romance novel to help Sheldon's research. She was running out of excuses. She erased the number and returned to her romance novel instead. She promised herself she would call Bernadette tomorrow.

Tonight she had her call with Sheldon to worry about. She hadn't read many romance novels recently unless one counted Wuthering Heights. The kindle app on her i-pad advertised one named "The Dirty Doctor's Prescription." The advert said, " _A heated love story powered by raging biological urge pulsing through their veins that could only lead to an unbreakable bond."_

It took over four chapters before she realized the story was not about any lysosomes organelles or even doctors, but rather a sordid tale of lust and heated passion set in a Dentist office. She decided she was too far into the story to let it go now, she finished the tale at 9:00 PM exactly, and typed

_**"Hey Stud. Ready to ride?"** _

Her conversation with Sheldon could at times be frustrating, but tonight he seemed particularly in rare form. His attention to detail could be endearing but not for this silly enterprise. She wanted this over so she could get to the sequel of the romance novel, "The Doctor is In." She knew he hadn't put a second of thought into his made-up sex scene. Well she wasn't about to do his homework for him.

_**"...Why don't you get back to me when you have something and I will try and help spice up the particulars."** _

She thought she had the rest of the night for her romance novel and she was just about to settle in her bed, when Sheldon typed back.

_**"Okay I got something."** _

_"Already? It's only been 3 minutes."_

When he said some comic character she should have known his mind would go to comic books and silly fantasies.

_**"Fine...I will be Cat Woman. Meow."** _

She had to look up this puerile Cat Woman in order to get any type of information. The women listed looked nothing like her, but she did have brown hair and a rather large back side. For a moment she thought it might be fun to get one of these Cat Woman masks and send Sheldon a picture of her just for a lark. She decided it was a silly idea and instead looked for the one woman her father always said he would have left her mother for: Farrah Fawcett.

When she read Sheldon's stinging **,** " _I don't want some beautiful woman, I want you."_ Who could she punch? However, he made up for it when he said, "... _it would have to be someone who stimulates my mind as well as my heart."_

When he wrote, " _You're my ._ _ **0000001**_ _%"_ She nearly dropped her laptop. She felt a flush form on her cheeks and her heart jump 27 beats per min, instantly.

She typed out the following, **"** _ **I feel the same way about you**_ **."** She erased it all and only replied **, "** _ **Thank you for that, Sheldon**_ **."**

However, he wasn't done teasing her that evening.

When he wrote, " _Would you ever be interested in engaging in coitus just once in our relationship."_

After she had started to breathe again, she wondered. Could she have a physical relationship with someone? The idea was abhorrent in the past. A distraction from the important part of her life: Work, science and expanding her mind. But she wondered if being intimate with someone might be the evolution of a relationship. She loved the idea of an experiment. Maybe once, she could try coitus. Only with the right person. She had to write something back to Sheldon so she started to type: " _ **I have never considered physical contact with anyone, but now that I have such a connection with you, I wonder if it's a part of my life I should explore. Thank you for opening me up to that possibility. I would consider meeting**_ _..."_

Before she could finish, he wrote back. _**Bazinga**_. She hated when he used that homespun phrase.

She had just about had enough of the whole issue since he couldn't be bothered to take it seriously. The entire evening seemed like a waste of time, a distraction from their usual riveting conversation and she regretted suggesting it in the first place. So to end the tiresome discussion, she had conjured up the dream she had had.

As soon as she had finished their messaging she turned over to sleep. The night before she had dreamt of a man, tall, with beckoning thin lips and almond shaped eyes, the rest of his face in shadow, indistinct. He had held her as she had described, and she had closed her eyes as his kiss set her body a fire. Just as she was about to open her eyes and see his face properly, her alarm woke her up.

She hit the pillow a few times before pulling it next to her. Her fingers danced on the cotton as if it was her mystery man's chest and she touched her own shoulders, as if he touched her. She hugged the pillow like a lover, and drifted off to sleep.


	9. Textual Relations

_**Just a reminder, this story is set in 2019 going on 2020. This will be important later, but for now, enjoy the pre-COVID bliss of our favorite show.** _

* * *

Moxie:

Sunday evening after Thanksgiving was her first attempt to call the woman from the Zangen conference. Moxie paced around her living room practicing what she would say, how she would introduce herself and how she would add a few quips to lighten the mood.

How could she be upset with Sheldon for not completing the task of making friends, if she avoided her own task? She took a deep breath, no more time for excuses, she dialed up the woman from the conference, but the minute she heard an aggressive female voice, she almost hung up.

"Hello? Hello? Listen up, pal. I don't want to buy any cruise packages, don't need a walk-in tub, and my social security is just fine, so you better put me on the do-not-call list right now!"

"Um... this is the woman from the Zangen convention. With the plastic bottle"

There was a pause and then Bernadette returned to her normal high-pitched voice. "How are you? I'm glad you called!" Moxie introduced herself and added. "I know it's after the socially acceptable dinner hour, but it is before the average time that most people sit in front of the TV according to-"

Bernadette interrupted her flow as she yelled over the speaker. "STOP THAT RACKET WITH THAT FAKAKTA MACHINE!"

"Is this a bad time?" Moxie asked, pulling the phone from her ear.

"Not at all! Hubby is with the kids in the other room."

After proper introductions and commiserations about telemarketers, Bernadette suggested that they meet for drinks the following Thursday at 7 PM. The kids would be in bed by 6 PM and she would convince her husband to cancel his stupid video game night.

"I've been looking for an excuse to have a night out without these people!"

"You mean your family?"

"Yeah…Thanksgiving was brutal!" Bernadette yelled in a voice that would scare a longshore man, "DON'T TOUCH THAT, HOWIE! THAT'S FOR THE KIDS!" then turning back to Moxie she said sweetly, "Yes! Can't wait to talk to a normal person! See ya Thursday!"

After she hung up, Moxie sat back on her couch and let out a huge sigh. Now she just had to figure out how to keep a conversation going at a local drinking establishment. A one-on-one seemed much less intimidating than what Sheldon had to contend with on a daily basis. But at least Sheldon only had to lie about sex and he would be accepted. She had to try and keep a conversation going with a woman she did not know.

She decided to google topics that she thought a woman would find interesting and after 20 minutes, found herself watching skin care routine videos, and that somehow led to a pimple popping video which seemed to have an enormous amount of views.

"Give the people what they want, that's what I say."

Her research was interrupted by a text from Sheldon:

_"911!"_

She smiled as once again he over used that emergency call for what she was certain would be something trivial.

_**"What is it Sheldon? Did your landlord change the hours for the laundry room again?"** _

_"No. A strongly worded letter to the property Management Company fixed that fascist's tune and I found that unmatched sock after looking for three hours. No, this is about our project. I've got a meeting scheduled with the NFC 2.0 and we haven't finished our script for the date. I have to know, what kind of perfume do you wear?"_

_**"I don't wear perfume but my shampoo is scented with vanilla milk and papaya."** _

_"Got it. Like fruity pebbles. Check. I am in the process of creating a small cohort outside my core group that will enjoy the script we created. But finding a suitable time is harder than herding cats or nailing Jello to a tree."_

_**"You're so funny. I have no doubt that they will be captivated by your humor and sharp wit."** _

_"Few can escape my grasp. But, if you have time, can we go over the script I have created for our date? I made some modifications I would like them to meet with your approval."_

_**"I'm sure anything you come up with will be fine, but please, send it over."** _

Within five minutes of reading Sheldon's script, she was already more aroused than with any of her Dentist based romance novels. She texted Sheldon back right away.

_**"I must say, this is quite detailed. I am impressed. The part about Cat woman using Batman's own belt to tie him to a carpeted scratching post is inspired. Do you think they will enjoy this bondage aspect of the coitus?"** _

_"Given we're meeting at a comic book store, I think they will. Modern comic books, and graphic novels in particular, have a generous amount of sexual undertones and female dominated role playing. I'm just giving the people what they want."_

_**"Smart man."** _

#

Sheldon

Sheldon heard the creaking of the floorboard in the hallway. It was gone 9 PM on a Sunday evening, past the time Leonard should be bothering him, but that hadn't stopped his roommate of making a general nuisance of himself in the past.

Though for the last two weeks and over the Thanksgiving holiday, Leonard had been more than accommodating, which was suspicious. Leonard had replaced the toilet roll when needed, stocked the tea box, and didn't use the urine collection cup for pancake mixture. He didn't over cook the turkey and kept Penny out of the kitchen. He had organized the comic books and games into stacks, one for Sheldon and one for Leonard, emptied out the hall closet and for some reason had decided to do spring cleaning in the middle of winter.

"Hey buddy." Leonard came into Sheldon's bedroom to ask what was evidently a ridiculous question as Sundays had now become Sheldon's sacred time to text with Moxie.

"Is now a good time to talk?"

"Not really. I'm on a riveting text with Moxie. Did you know that there are six types of pimples up to and including papules, cysts and nodules?"

"Sure...right. Well, do you think we can talk this week about the roommate agreement? Maybe Thursday? Wolowitz has just called and canceled game night. He says he has to baby sit."

"Canceled. Again? A family man should know how important it is to keep to a routine." Sheldon sighed, and said, "Very well, but I'm going to change the thermostat no matter what Game of Thrones says. Winter is coming, but 72 degrees is just fine."

"Right, sure. Okay. Talk to you then." Leonard turned to leave the room when Sheldon called him back.

"Oh, Leonard? Can you add fruity pebbles to the grocery list? I'm feeling like diving in the naughty end of the cereal aisle this week."

"Sure, buddy. Sure..."

After Leonard had left, Sheldon continued to text with Moxie about his script for their coitus. He had been working on his tale for the New Friends Club (NFC 2.0) unceasingly, even ignoring his current project at work with Kripke. And now with her olfactory details, the story had come to life.

#

On the evening of Tuesday, December 3rd, the first meeting of the NFC 2.0 was held at the comic book store. Those attending included Stuart, of course, Bert from Geology, a large unknown man in sweat pants, and an unnerving person named Dale who was far too eager to interrupt Sheldon's story with annoying questions.

Sheldon told the group that he had had a riveting date with Moxie and he eagerly started to tell them the whole story he had memorized. Thanks to Moxie, he had the perfect date scripted that would surely endear him with these testosterone laden cohorts.

Dale inched forward on a velvet couch in the corner of the comic store and interrupted Sheldon's story for the third time, "I didn't know you could do that with Mario theme song. Can you download the whole song pack from Nintendo?"

"Yes. I think you can. Now...I was just about to get the good part. We had just completed the bottle of Strawberry Quik and spaghetti with little hot dogs, when-"

"Do you think the syrup or the powder is better?" Dale asked.

The whole group snapped, "SYRUP!"

Sheldon continued, "We returned to the couch and she suddenly she takes off her glasses, and pulls off her sweater, and she had on a Cat Woman costume."

"Which one?" Stuart asked.

Sheldon turned to him and said quickly, "Julie Newmar... So, we sat on the couch-"

"V neck collar or small collar?"

"V Neck. So before we kiss, I say the Batman quote." Sheldon did his best Adam West impression when he said, " _Kissing is the most natural thing in the world. People kiss every day_."

Stuart annoyingly interrupted, "That's a quote from the 1966 TV series, season 2! The costume you mentioned is Season 3, for sure."

"Is not!" Sheldon slammed his hand on the couch, but Stuart didn't budge, and crossing his arms defiantly and he said, "Just because you want it to be so, doesn't mean it is."

The man in the sweat pants interrupted, "Yep. Stuart's right. Episode aired 1966 on-

Sheldon snapped, "Do you want me to get to the coitus or not!?"

It was at this point that Bert burst into tears. It took 10 minutes, two boxes of Kleenex and four cans of grape soda before Burt was able to tell the others that he had just broken up with his girlfriend who had taken him for all his life savings and the best rocks from his collection. It was then he realized that Guy's night out was just an excuse to cry over women.

#

The next day, Sheldon relayed the story to Moxie,

_"So that's why they never heard about our earth-shattering coitus. The whole evening was spent with Blubbering Bert, and Ditzy Dale"_

_**"I am not familiar with those Dwarfs."** _

_"I added them to the list"_

Sheldon was sitting alone in the apartment that evening. Leonard had coughed in the car to work that morning, so Sheldon had told Penny to keep him away for an evening until he was clear to make sure he wasn't contagious.

Howard and Bernadette couldn't make it for dinner because of some child nonsense and Raj was shopping for his wedding with his mail order bride fresh in from India. So Sheldon had a lonely Wednesday with a pizza and no one to share it with.

_"The whole of next week is going to be a bust. I am unable to have the NFC 2.0 as planned and Leonard still hasn't purchased the cereal I requested or received his test results or submitted a trace analysis of every person he had come in contact with."_

_**"Who's Leonard?"** _

Sheldon gasped and started to choke on his pizza. He ran over to his desk chair and pushed the back up against his chest to give himself the Heimlich maneuver. After 5 minutes into his near-death experience, he texted back Moxie,

_"A guy from work."_

_**"Oh, maybe he can be your friend. After you make sure he hadn't been exposed to 2019-nCoV. I heard it's a nasty one."** _

Sheldon's mood didn't improve with the mention of a virus that was raging through Wuhan China, even with Moxie's subsequent texts about the latest research on Neuroplasticity of the brain, or her riveting text about the history of the Saudi flag. Not even her jokes would improve his mood.

_**"I made a chemistry joke, and there is no reaction."** _

Sheldon chuckled to himself and texted back,

_"I guess I'm just not in a good mood tonight."_

_**"That's okay. You don't have to be a good mood every day. Would you like me to let you go for the night?"** _

_"No! Not at all. I nearly died by inhaling an Italian sausage and there was no one here. If something happens to me, who will call 911, who will give me first aid and protect my comic books from thieving paramedics?"_

_**"I'm not there physically, so I can't help with that, but I can say that I doubt paramedics would be interested in your comics."**_ She sent a winking face emoji. Then her next text made him think. _**"What has made you happy in the past few weeks? Think back to that."**_

Sheldon gave some thought to the question. He hadn't had much fun with Leonard, work hadn't been exciting at all, and the only time he remembered laughing or having any kind of fun was with her. He wrote back,

_"I must say, Moxie, it's been our discourse about our imitation liaison, that I have most enjoyed."_

_**"As have I. Who knew pretending to have coitus could be so much fun."** _

_"I must tell you, that my friends have started rumors about us. They have even tried to steal my phone just to get your information."_

_**"Well not even you know who I am, so they are fishing in the wrong pond."** _

_"I told them exactly that. Besides, it's been interesting hearing the rumor mill at work. I related to my co-worker Kripke that we have been engaged in a carnal fashion. So it's only a matter of time before the whole department knows."_

_**"We should chart the expansion of gossip and see how long it takes for the rumors to get back to you."** _

_"I love how your mind works. This will be a welcome distraction from things at home. Wheezy has been acting strange, as has Sleepy. Also, my neck is bothering me. Most likely from stress. So fragile a mechanism to hold up such a valuable object as my brain."_

_**"Have you tried self-massage?"** _

_"Sounds like a lot of touching."_

_**"Self-massage is a great way to alleviate stress. I'll send you a method you can try. Also, to alleviate stress, you can try mediation or masturbation is effective."** _

Sheldon shifted on the couch, slightly uncomfortable at the subject. He wrote back,

_"That is just is self-massage but lower."_

_**"And more beneficial. Masturbation is a good way to alleviate stress, it boasts helpful hormone production. Not as well as normal intercourse, but you aren't interested in that."** _

_"Certainly, not."_

_**"It also can boast your immunity. Lately, I have rediscovered the benefits."** _

_"Interesting. A friend of mine's book discusses the benefits of this practice as well. Her new book is all about it. "A Cougar in the Bushes: A guide to self-abuse."_

_**"Dr. Hofstadter? She's brilliant. I've read that book. I'm impressed you know her personally."** _

Sheldon sat back and smiled. Well, he did have quite a brilliant personality so no wonder people were attracted to him like moths to a flame, even Leonard's dazzling mother.

_"I'll read that book later and report back."_

_**"If you are interested in self-abuse, I have quite a few suggestions that would aid in that regard. But on to other topics, I have my own NFC this week. I will be meeting with a woman I met at a conference. We are meeting at a local drinking establishment, so I will not be able to make our 9 PM call tomorrow."** _

Sheldon's face flushed with disappointment. He wrote back,

_"Oh, really. I hope you're not considering partaking of alcohol?"_

_**"No, not in the least. I would order my usual drink. Tepid water."** _

"Ah, good... Good." Sheldon said out loud as if she could hear.

Later that evening, he read Mrs. Hofstadter's book on masturbation. While the scientific research was well documented, he just couldn't imagine the practice. Instead, he decided to take another look at the make-believe date he had with Moxie. The second NFC 2.0 had had to be canceled due to Dale's unfortunate accident walking in front of a grilled cheese truck after last night's meeting, but Sheldon saw no reason to not to keep up his new challenge.

He created a new plausible date with Moxie that resulted in coitus. This time, he really outdid himself. The whole experience made his body tingle, and his localized vascular throbbing wouldn't allow him to sleep. His growing problem popped up whenever he thought of his 'date' with Moxie. He had thought to chart the correlation, but instead drifted off to sleep, hugging his pillow.

The next morning Sheldon woke at 5:00 AM with a raging erection that would not abate. He tried everything, cold showers, and Kolinahr, but nothing worked. He followed the instructions his eidetic memory had retained from Mrs. Hofstadter's book:

_"First, massage the Glans, or head of the penis, teasing the rim while your hand slides down the Corpus spongiusum at a traverse angle to the shaft. You must exert the right amount of pressure and also massage the testicles while paying special attention to the scrotum. The blood flow will produce a pressure and harden the tissue in the corpus cavernosum."_

After the longest shower of his life, Sheldon emerged, wet and frustrated.

He wrote Moxie while he ate his high fiber cereal.

_"I have tried your methods for stress alleviation and frankly they take too long. I spent an hour and 45 minutes in the shower, and after much effort and a lot of cold water, the entire enterprise was for naught."_

_**"Almost two hours?"** _

_"Yes"_

_**"Wow. That was a long time."** _

_"I thought so, I came out looking like a prune. I think I will have to try other methods."_

_**"Maybe your delivery was inadequate, or the environment was insufficient."** _

_"Believe me lady, my delivery was more than adequate."_

_**"I'm sure. But if you want to achieve gratification, you need to set the mood."** _

_"I have no mood for this activity."_

_**"You're right. Best to give up."** _

_"I never give up!"_ Sheldon was getting insulted she would even suggest him accepting defeat.

_**"I am sure. Well, maybe we can discuss the parameters. The goal is release; is it not?"** _

_"Absolutely. The quicker the better. I have things to do."_

_**"Precisely. I recommend that you consider evoking your fantasy world. That way, you may be able to achieve orgasm in the most efficient and effective way possible."** _

_"How can I do that?"_

Sheldon moved the conversation to his room as he dressed for work. He removed his robe and was just about to dress, when Moxie's text distracted him.

_**"When was the last time you had a physical reaction to something. Engage that memory."** _

Sheldon followed her methods, and imagined the kiss she had described in detail. He relived the story he had created to impress his new friends, but this time he touched himself as he thought she might. He closed his eyes and imagined himself, as Batman tied to a carpeted scratching post, while Cat Woman ran her claws down his stomach, to his thighs and then coaxed him erect with a kittenish grin and a purr.

Sheldon memorized the text from her:

_"_ _**Close your eyes and imagine that world coming to life. Your whole body is experiencing the sensation. The slight touch, the soft words in your ear like a purr. You feel the coaxing hand wander down your chest, and it's no longer YOUR hand. You don't know what it will do, will it touch you, tease you? Command it. Tell it what you desire. The feeling will build in you, like a voltage being held back by a resistor. Let it flow, let the feeling pulse through you. Then, just when you can't control the building sensation, let it free. Succumb to it."** _

Within 2 minutes, he released a moan louder than from any other self-massage. He didn't recognize the feeling, the uncontrolled and unbridled sensation that made his muscles quake. Sheldon panted as he breathed aloud, "Well, I liked that more than I thought I would."

_**"I hope that works for you."** _

He couldn't respond.

She wrote back.

_**"I have to brush my teeth now."** _


	10. The Call Is Coming from inside the house

_**Sheldon** _

The following Thursday evening, as Sheldon was about to take the last bite of the steak dinner Leonard had overcooked for him, Penny poured two large glasses of red wine. The two of them had been doting on Sheldon the whole night; using the correct fork and knife, chewing with their mouths closed and Penny had even made a pecan pie for dessert, although Sheldon put it away before anyone could get hurt since for some reason it had raisins in it. Other than the pie, so far, it was the best day ever.

Leonard poured Sheldon a cup of hot apple cider with cinnamon sticks and set it in front of him. As it was the beginning of December, the choice seemed apropos, but Leonard knew that Sheldon only drank that beverage in dire emergencies since he hated Christmas.

"What's this Leonard?"

"I didn't think you'd want wine..." His mouth formed a weirdly wide grin then he frowned, "So buddy. Penny and I... Well... Penny, mostly."

Leonard cried out from Penny's smack and snapped his head back to Penny as she finished his sentence. "Sheldon. We need to tell you something. You know that we've been married for a long time now, and I know that Leonard has had sleepovers, but well, we really do... we think it's time."

Sheldon sniffed at his hot beverage and cocked his head at Penny. "I agree."

"You do?" Both Leonard and Penny said simultaneously.

"Yes, Penny. It's time you got your own Netflix account. I've tried sharing it, I have, but I can't see Documentaries about people who own Tigers, that's scary!"

"No, Sheldon. Not that. It's time buddy, that I..." Leonard looked down and then said quietly into his lap. "Move out of the apartment."

"You mean move over to 4B?" Sheldon stopped to think for a moment before answering. It wouldn't be a big change. Sheldon could handle Leonard moving his things out. He would just be across the hall. It's not too bad. Sheldon drew in a long breath before he answered, "That's acceptable if we have a thorough inventory-"

"No, Sheldon, out of the apartment building." Leonard looked at Penny and said, "Both of us."

Sheldon's eyes widened and he looked at Penny for conformation.

She nodded her head and said, "Sheldon, we need to be like a normal couple. We don't even fully live together and it's been two years!"

"I've lived with Leonard for nine years before you got that ring on your finger! Be patient, lady."

Leonard spoke up with a snippy tone Sheldon didn't appreciate, "We have been patient. I want to be with Penny, and not just like a sleepover. I want to wake up next her every morning, kiss her at night. Decorate our house and plan our lives together."

Penny pipped in, "Sheldon, the other apartment, it's just too small. I need a bigger closet since Leonard's costumes take up everything!"

Leonard interrupted her, "I mean if we were to have a family."

Penny turned to Leonard, and snapped, "We didn't buy that house so you can talk me into a popping out a kid."

"You've already bought a house? And you didn't tell me?" Sheldon felt a lump in his chest, as if someone had kicked him in his sternum.

Leonard sighed, but couldn't look Sheldon in the eye. He said as he tapped on his shoulder, "I didn't want to upset you. I've been trying to tell you for weeks now...You understand, right buddy? That we need to make plans?"

Sheldon drew in a breath and said as he reached for his beverage, "I guess I thought those plans would include me."

"It does, Sheldon. You're our best friend. We aren't going away, just across town, near Bernadette and Howard. I'll still take you to work, and we will have dinner together, just like this. Hell, maybe you can get a new roommate who would-"

Sheldon had heard enough, "No Leonard. No other roommates. I'm fine on my own."

"Okay buddy. I know you are. You've come a long way since I met you."

Sheldon stood up and took his mug with him to the sink. He dumped out the liquid and turned to Leonard and Penny; their brows creased with worry.

Penny came across the kitchen to give Sheldon a hug, he tapped her lightly on the back and sighed as he pushed her away. "I'm fine. Everyone has moved on. I will as well. Now, if you will excuse me, I think I might retire early this evening."

"What about my pecan pie?" Penny asked.

Leonard pulled her aside and said, "No don't make it worse, honey. Let's go."

After Sheldon heard the door click, he ran to his room and texted Moxie.

_"911."_

#

**Moxie:**

Thursday morning she was late because of her texting with Sheldon and her own long shower. She spent the day practicing her smile and greeting strangers with a hearty handshake as she prepared for her meeting with Bernadette that evening.

During work, though, her hands shook so much, she could barely hold a scalpel and she almost sliced off the whole cerebellum. Realizing that she was achieving nothing, she decided to leave early so she could get ready for her girl's night.

When she arrived home, she took another shower, and after three clothing changes, she arrived at the bar at 6:55 PM. The bar area was jammed with patrons and the little round wooden tables were filled with loud groups of people chatting and laughing. She hesitated, feeling a little panicky at the sight of the large crowd in front of her, when she heard Bernadette's voice above the din.

"That chair's taken. Pal. Keep walking!"

Taking a deep breath, she pushed through the horde and found a pint-size blonde directing traffic away from her table. Bernadette sipped on a large drink, the slice of lime and four cherries now halfway down the glass. She waved Moxie over to the table.

"HEY! You made it!"

Moxie took off her cardigan as she sat down and asked, "Am I late?"

"Nah, I just had to get out of the house, arrived here about 30 minutes ago. I got you water like you asked, but they put ice in it." Bernadette handed her a large glass with a lemon floating on the top. She pointed to the crowd, "Crazy huh? I guess it's ladies' night."

"I don't see many ladies." She looked around the crowd of men that seemed to be closing in on her. Her throat began to close. The air was thick with the smell of yeasty beer and peanuts crushed on the ground. The rock music made conversation very difficult and she had already been bumped into three times by what she hoped was a man's knee.

"I know... Isn't it great? The men will flock to buy us drinks since they think they will score. This is my third one, and I haven't paid yet."

Bernadette raised her glass to Moxie, who only smiled, sipped at her drink, and said, "I thought you were married?"

"I am. But this doesn't mean I have to give anyone the goodies. Just a smile for a gin and tonic? Good bargain!" She raised her glass to a short man across the bar with a mustache like a pipe cleaner and said, "Thank you!"

Bernadette turned back to Moxie, "So, how'd ya get into science?"

"Well, I was 14 and had to do surgery on my feet when-"The alarm indicating a text from Sheldon cut through the conversation. Then another.

Bernadette asked, "Do you need to get that?"

"No, its fine... Anyway, I was about to sever my right tendon when I-"The alarm came again, and she muted it. She glanced at the screen, "911." She rolled her eyes and tried to continue but the alarm started again.

"Is that Knight Rider?"

"Yes... Please hold on a second."

She texted Sheldon back a quick note,

_**"I'm at my NFC meeting. I'll text later."** _

"Sorry about that. So I wanted to say-" She picked up her phone to mute another sound just as a man kneed her arm. The phone scrapped across the floor and landed near the foot of a biker with large boots.

"Excuse me." She said before she pushed through the crowd to get the phone, but like a hockey puck on the ice, the phone was kicked to the other corner of a bar, then another. By the time she picked it up, she had received over 8 texts from Sheldon.

She pushed back through the people toward the table with Bernadette and picked up her sweater which had fallen on the floor as well. She brushed off the peanut shells and said, "I'm sorry, I have to go, can we do this next week instead? Maybe at a different place?"

"Sure! No problem. Let's go to the Cheesecake Factory. I can relive the old times."

"Perfect, yes. That would work." Her mind was on her phone, not on the crowd as she pushed through. Once she was outside she drew in three sharp breaths and marched immediately to her car. She relaxed in the cover of silence and responded to Sheldon.

_**"I'm here."** _

Sheldon texted back:

_"Wheezy is moving out."_

#

_**Sheldon** _

Sheldon didn't want to contact Moxie. He didn't want to need someone so much that he ached, but for some reason, he felt compelled to text her. And again and again, until the screen was filled with only his words. He waited for the phone to light up with her text, but nothing. He paced around his room but then realized he was alone.

He went to the living room and sat in his spot. His Vulcan hearing allowed him to pick up the sounds around him. A floorboard creaked from the quiet woman upstairs. The wind against the windowpane. The hum of the refrigerator. All echoed in a lonely chorus.

Sheldon put down his phone and dropped his head into his hands. He saw he had a few texts from Ms. Moxie, but he was too upset to answer them.

_**"Sheldon? Are you still there?** _

_**"Sheldon?"** _

Sheldon should not be this wounded over one event, but he knew any change upset him. When they became engaged, he had taken off on a train for 45 days. When they got married, Sheldon lived under his covers for a week and his mother had had to coax him back to work. Every time a major change happened in his life, he would deny it and hide, like a turtle in his shell.

Other people could handle change, and thrive, but not Sheldon. He said he didn't need anyone, that he didn't need friends, yet the moment they leave or circumstances change, he is devastated.

Sheldon didn't want to admit his weakness, not to Moxie. But he needed people. He needed Leonard, he needed Penny. They would eventually have a child or two like Howard and Bernadette. They would all drift apart and this was just the start of it. He would be alone for the rest of his life and he knew why. If he had been a better friend, they might have stayed.

_"I am meant to be alone... I should let you go."_

_**"Wait Sheldon, let me talk to you."** _

_"What's the point? Maybe it would be better for you not to text with such a needy person."_

Sheldon's heart dropped when he read the next text:

_"_ _**Maybe you are right."** _

Sheldon placed his phone down on the coffee table as it was made of lead. He had been devastated before the conversation, and now he was crushed with humiliation and despair. He was just about to curl up in a ball with the blanket like a cocoon, when he heard his phone buzz on the glass table with an incoming call. He picked up without looking at the caller and answered timidly.

"Hello?"

"Hello... um... Sheldon?" The woman's voice on the other line was unfamiliar to him, but was soft and pleasant.

"Yes, speaking. Who is this?" Sheldon was in no mood to speak to a stranger or deal with any sales calls at the moment.

There was no sound on the other line for a moment, then the other caller cleared her throat and said a little hesitantly, "It's...A… Moxie. Ms... Moxie." Sheldon could almost hear the woman hold her breath as she waited for him to speak.

Finally, after he had recovered from the surprise, he responded.

"You called?" He felt his face light up with a smile.

"Yes, you said it was better for me not to text with such a needy person. So I thought I would call the most extraordinary person I know. I hope... I hope that is okay."

Sheldon leaned back in his spot, and let out a sigh. "More than okay, but doesn't this change everything?"

"Not at all. You only have the sound of my voice, but you can still imagine me as you did before." The woman cleared her throat and continued in a soft silky voice, it was like a hug Sheldon didn't know he needed.

"It's nice to hear your voice."

Ms. Moxie breathed into the phone, and said quietly, "It's nice to hear yours as well. I never imagined you had a slight accent, but it's pleasant...Maybe we should have done this sooner."

"Maybe, but I am glad we are now. It's..." Sheldon swallowed and smiled at the same time, "It's very... very...nice."

"Yes... it is. Now, what's all this silliness over being needy..."

It took over two hours, and numerous reassurances that Sheldon was indeed able to adapt to change, but finally Ms. Moxie got through to him. She explained the beauty of living alone. He could set his thermostat how he wanted; he could control his own environment. He decided what shows to watch, and when but Sheldon argued he already did that. What his roommate had provided was a sense of security that he did not know he needed.

"Just because you live alone doesn't mean you don't have friends. Hasn't your friend Bashful lived alone since you've known him? Your friend Sleepy did as well before you welcomed her into your group. You don't need proximity to develop a thriving relationship. Look at us."

"Yes, you're right. We are friends, and I don't even know your name."

After a few moments of heavy breathing, she said quietly, "Amy...It's Amy."

Sheldon said the name in his head. _**Amy**_. He couldn't have picked a better name. He felt the soothing sound of her voice and hearing her name, it was like Christmas had come early. He said gladly, "Hello Amy. I'm Sheldon."

"Your name really is Sheldon?" She said in a slightly teasing tone, with a hint of suspicion.

"It is my favorite name, after all." He chuckled.

He relaxed into his spot on the couch. His spot... in his apartment with his new friend. Change might not be such a bad thing.

"Nice to meet you, Amy."


	11. Missed Call

**Amy:**

It was Sunday evening and Amy sat in the corner booth of the Cheesecake Factory in Pasadena, nibbling on the mini corn dogs she had ordered. Bernadette was over 25 minutes late for their engagement but she was too hungry to wait. She listened to the voice mail from Sheldon as she sipped her diet coke and watched the door carefully.

"Hello, Amy. This is Sheldon. I wanted to inform you that I took your advice and thought of three possible replacements for Len... I mean Wheezy's room. The first suggestion I dismissed outright since an in-home spa sounds unsanitary. The next is a collectible's room which I will cordon off into four types. Comic books, trains, Sci Fiction memorabilia, Vintage with a subset of Science fiction memorabilia Modern-"

Amy stopped listening to the voicemail as soon as she saw Bernadette approach the table.

"I'm so sorry I'm late! Howie didn't fill the car with gas. Some engineer, right? Oh, did you order? Thank god! I'm starving!" Bernadette grabbed a mini hot dog and gave the waitress her order, "Can you get me the Thai Chicken Big Bang with no pepper flakes, extra coconut sauce and tell the cook to not skimp on the rice. Oh and an iced tea." She turned back to Amy, and said, "So, we finally get to talk."

"Yes..." Amy smiled and said nothing for a minute as she waited for Bernadette to say something else.

"Oh I see this is the chin-wagging part of the conversation where we engage in small talk. I am prepared." Amy wiped her mouth and asked, "Um... how is your work going? Any new breakthroughs?"

"Nah. We are all working on a SARs type of vaccine for that new virus, but I doubt we'll make any money off it."

Amy's phone rang: Sheldon calling again. Amy let it go to voicemail.

Bernadette laughed as Amy silenced her phone. "You seem very popular. Boyfriend"

"No. Not at all. It's not a relationship that I see progressing in that manner..." Amy stumbled before she answered again, "No...Just a friend. A very persistent friend." Amy put her phone in her purse and took another bite of her, now, cold mini corn dogs.

Bernadette nodded as the waitress brought her iced tea, "Yep. I got one of those... I'd love to set you up with him." Bernadette stole another corn dog off Amy's plate and then asked with a full mouth, "So, tell me about you. Are you ready to make a move?"

"A move?"

"Yes, I mean. It's about time, don't you think? Sounds like you've been at this for a while, and it's not going anywhere. Don't you think it's time to look and see what's out there? They're a lot of options available."

Amy hadn't considered a relationship since she had Sheldon as a friend. "I really haven't given it much thought. I mean, I'm in a happy place right now, but I guess... I guess you're right. I should see what's available to me. But... don't you think I'm too old?"

"Nonsense! You can make a change anytime you want. The New Year coming up is a great time to start. 2020 is going to be the best year ever!" Bernadette declared with a clink of her glass with Amy's.

"I don't know…" Amy sipped her soda and wondered about dipping her foot in the germy dating pool. At Thanksgiving, her mother had kindly pointed out that time was ticking and had insisted that she find a man by 2020 or she would find one for her.

"Don't let the accepted social convention hold you back, girlfriend!" Bernadette thanked the waitress for her food and dove into the steaming dish in front of her. With a full mouth, she said to Amy, "No one can blame you for looking."

"Really?" Amy asked. She had not really given this much consideration, but she wondered now, if it was time. Perhaps she should look around at other possible dating options. Sheldon was wonderful, and a great friend, but as a boyfriend? She did not think he would ever be ready for that.

"There are a ton of websites to help and my boss would love just to get his hands on you."

"Oh my!" Amy slipped her diet coke. "I have just got accustomed to the idea and someone already wants me in a carnal fashion."

"Carnal what?" Bernadette asked as she choked on her spicy chicken.

"Aren't you talking about dating?" Amy asked.

"No, I'm talking about a job. It's one of the reasons I wanted to meet with you. I get a huge signing bonus if we bring anyone into the company this year. It's Mid- December, I gotta hurry up! I looked you up when you called the first time and boy do you have the chops. When I got my friend Penny on board, I got enough of a bonus to pay for a hot tub!"

"Oh... I thought you wanted to be my friend. I'm sorry. I misunderstood." Amy looked down at her half-eaten dinner and lost her appetite. "If you will excuse me for a minute, I need to evacuate my bowels."

Amy put her purse on her shoulder, slipped the waitress a $20, and ran to her car. By the time she had left the parking lot, her face was wet with tears. She felt embarrassed and humiliated. She never should have been so eager, so needy. She thought about calling Sheldon, but he would never understand. He had plenty of friends; Amy had just attempted to make one. One that she had not realized was so important to her until it had been jerked away from her. A girlfriend, something she had never had. Someone, she could make her bestie and do girl things with like shop for booties, or have slumber parties and pierce each other's ears. She drove home, ignoring her phone ringing incessantly.

Once home, she washed her tear stroked face, and sat on her couch to regain her composure. She chided herself for her sudden burst of emotion. This type of emotional upsurge was the reason she had devoted herself to the pursuit of pure science. Science doesn't show up late or ignore you. Science doesn't leave you in a room with a rabid otter and laugh at you. Science doesn't break your heart.

She pulled out her phone. Five missed calls, four from an Alta Dena Area code, and one from Sheldon. She called Sheldon back.

"Hello, Sheldon."

"Hello, Amy. Good to hear your voice. I have made a choice."

"So have I." Amy said, she ripped up Bernadette's card and hugged her knees to her chest. "Tell me about your redecorating idea."

#

**Sheldon:**

At the end of their first phone call on Thursday evening, Sheldon had asked her to call him on Friday morning instead of their usual morning text, just to make sure he was feeling better about the change since it would be the first time seeing Leonard since the announcement that he was abandoning Sheldon for some mediocre house in Alta Dena of all places. She had agreed, and the concerning jester emoji was like a warm cup of cocoa and made him smile.

Since then they had spoken every night, though on Sunday evening she had seemed rather depressed for some reason and wouldn't state why. Despite that, she had helped him continue to recover from the shock of his friends abandoning him by discussing his ideas for Wheezy's room.

Unusually this year, the group was going to be depleted at Christmas, with Raj's parents insisting that he meet yet another young bride-to-be in India, and Bernadette and Howard spending the time with her parents who said they wanted to see their grandchildren opening their presents. When Penny's parents invited Penny and Leonard to spend their first Christmas as a married couple with them, Leonard had initially refused, as this would mean that Sheldon would be on his own, and Leonard was worried how it would affect Sheldon so soon after them telling him about their plans to relocate.

However, surprisingly Sheldon had insisted that they go, reiterating that he could cope, and it would give him the opportunity to get used to being on his own. Secretly he knew that this would enable to him to spend more time on the phone with Amy, without any snide remarks or funny looks from his 'friends'.

So, Amy and Sheldon spent Christmas together on the phone. He allowed one Christmas Carol for sing-a-long night, but her voice was so soothing, they spent the whole evening singing 'Good King Wenceslas' in rounds. They spent New Year's on the phone as they both watched the ball drop as Sheldon relayed all the world's New Year's traditions. He hung up when he heard Amy's soft snoring into the phone.

New Year's Day, he called her to wish her well. He loved how she answered the phone with an inquisitive, yet throaty tone that told him that she had just woken up. Sheldon wondered if she would be happy to include in their morning routine regularly scheduled morning wake-up calls rather than their normal morning texts.

"I am going to catalog the suggestions you gave me for the extra room and think about applying them to the other open areas in my apartment. I do believe that a recording studio would require acoustic paneling, but..." Sheldon heard a knock at the door, "Forgive me, Amy. I have visitors. Let me get rid of them."

Sheldon held his phone to his chest as he answered the door. Leonard and Penny greeted him with tenuous smiles. They held a batch of muffins with far too much energy for an early morning breakfast and a copy of the written notice terminating the roommate agreement effective March 1st.

"We made you your favorite... Wait...are you on the phone?" Penny asked as Sheldon put the phone behind him.

"As a matter of fact, I am."

Leonard asked with a confused yet annoyed tone, "What happened to no phone calls before breakfast unless it was Stephen Hawking?"

"Things change. Now if you excuse me."

Sheldon grabbed the plate of muffins and closed the door in their faces"

Sheldon returned to his phone call but Amy spoke first, "What was that about no phone calls before breakfast?"

"You're the exception." He smiled and took a bite of the muffin. "Always."

Later that week, on the way to work in the car, Leonard seemed particularly skittish which unnerved Sheldon who felt that Leonard should be paying better attention to the road.

"I hope you're doing okay with this change, Sheldon. You haven't said much about it and I was worried..."

"Not much to say, Leonard. People move on."

Leonard was still spending far too much time looking at Sheldon instead of the road as he said, "Penny and I are still in escrow, but we should close by March 1st. Is that a good time?"

"That's 55 days from now, Leonard. Can't you move up the time frame? I have a contractor coming in to measure for new cabinets."

"New cabinets? I've not even moved out yet!" Leonard turned his eyes back to the road just in time to screech the car to a swift halt almost missing the stop sign.

"Yeah... Maybe if your credit score was better, you could have had a shorter escrow." Sheldon turned his attention to his calendar to try and take his mind off Leonard's driving.

He penciled in chatting with Amy in the morning, after his morning ablations, then again at lunch so they could share a meal together and again in the evening at 9:00 PM. He thought about the sexual based stories he had intended to wow his friends for the NFC 2.0 Club. Unfortunately, the NFC 2.0 club was still on hold since Stewart had a new girlfriend who worked at the comic book store and Bert was still recovering from his lack of one. However, Sheldon decided that the weekly texts he and Amy shared should continue – practice makes perfect.

As it turned out, the day was a total waste of time. Sheldon couldn't calm down at work thanks to the memory of Leonard's erratic driving.

Most of the week was a bust at work as well. He had unsuccessfully tried to research a theory on dark matter (probably his first mistake was researching dark matter in the middle of the day).

Leonard had barely kept up with his obligations since moving in with Penny permanently to prepare for their move. He still purchased dinner, but most of the time, it was late, or incorrect.

Even traditional Monday night Thai wasn't safe. Sheldon's dinner was ruined because their Thai restaurant had closed and Leonard instead had purchased some Thai-Mexican fusion place called Thai-a-Wanna, and the group's conversation only slightly distracted him from the horrible meal as he half-listened to their conversations.

"Whatever happened with that person you wanted to poach from UCLA for Zangen. I never heard."

Bernadette said, "Oh, didn't I tell you? She ran out on dinner and hasn't answered me since."

"So, she just left the restaurant?" Penny asked with a mouth full of curry tacos.

"Yeah...I feel so bad. I mean, for some strange reason I wanted to get to know her, ya know. She seemed so stiff yet still keen to talk. I've called her a lot."

"It's probably just Christmas and New Years, you know… she was busy… Maybe try now the holidays are over."

"Thank you, Jesus." Sheldon blurted out.

Bernadette rolled her eyes and ignored him. "I thought she would be interesting. I looked up her resume and she's really top of her field. I'm mean, if we landed her for the neuroscience division, you'd be able to hock any drug we had and with the bonuses, you could buy that house in Pasadena instead of schlepping up with us in Alta Dena!" Bernadette's eyes widened as she realized she might have said too much.

Penny waved off her concern, "Don't worry. Sheldon knows we're moving out. We had to give a written 90-day notice on Wednesday. He's fine with it." Penny tipped her wine glass to Sheldon with a smile. "He could care less."

"You mean couldn't care less. I could care less, but that would mean I had more care to give, which is the opposite of my current quantitative state of caring." Sheldon's smug smile covered his face.

Penny snapped at him, "I don't care."

"Exactly." Sheldon put down his phone and picked up his deconstructed Mee Krob enchilada with a fork. "Besides, I think it's time I concentrated on myself for a while. I mean, work is stagnant, and I haven't been able to finish one episode of my Flag show since I can't get the camera right."

"Such a shame..." Howard said as he rolled his eyes. "Your audience will be devastated."

Sheldon ignored Howard's remarks, "I think I will make Thursdays a thinking-only day. No distractions. Just pure cognitive bliss. "He looked around the room and announced, "Plan accordingly."

"What about our vintage game night?" Raj asked, almost hurt at the suggestion that vintage game night might be canceled permanently.

"Canceled," Sheldon said proudly. "In fact, maybe I should make it on Friday as well."

"It's your call, Sheldon. We only come over here on Thursdays for you, buddy." Leonard then looked at the group who had stopped talking. "What? We do! He is the only one who wins the games anyway!"

"It's just that it seems we have all moved on from each other" Raj mumbled into his lap. "I guess...Well, I always thought I would be the last one alone." He looked at Sheldon sympathetically, but Sheldon shrugged.

"You are. I have a very satisfying relationship with a female. So, I'm afraid until you get married and the ink is dry, you're the last one." Sheldon smiled and returned to his dinner checking his phone for Amy's text or call.

"The only thing Sheldon gets excited about lately is his phone call with his mysterious girlfriend. Giddy Anticipation." Penny joked.

Sheldon smiled, and surprisingly this time didn't correct her.

Sheldon's proposed new Cognitive Only day on Thursday was not a success. He spent the day staring at a blank whiteboard at home. He had an uneasy feeling; it was as if his skin didn't fit anymore and he couldn't understand why. More than once he turned to say something to an absent Leonard, and even more unnerving was the fact that he didn't have his texts or calls from Amy.

However, he was supposed to think, not chat.

Unfortunately, the more he thought about thinking, the less he did, and at the end of the day, he slumped into his cold bed, defeated. The only thing he had to show for his time was how much he thought about how much he didn't think.

He did the only thing he could think to do. He called Amy.

"Sheldon, I didn't expect you to call today. What happened to Cognitive Only day?"

"I don't want to think about it." He confessed his failure, and despite his dismissal of her suggestion that the recent disruption to his routine could be the cause, she added,

"I think you should keep your social interactions as they are since it's a good distraction and stress alleviator. Change is hard for most people, but most of all you. You're still complaining about that terrible Thai-Mexican food!"

"You didn't have to eat it. However, I have matured beyond the need for social interactions with my previous friends. Besides, believe me, one disruption is not going to cause this level of stress" Sheldon curled his neck to relieve the ache and shifted on his side.

Amy tisked into the phone and said, "Sheldon, why is it that you do not take suggestions for relieving stress, yet create a state of constant anxiety that distracts you from work and social relationships?"

"I do not do that! I just don't feel I need to relieve stress that shouldn't be there to begin with."

"Fine. I have suggested methods you can employ to alleviate stress. Try the mediation I sent you. Just turn your mind off and don't think."

Sheldon rolled his eyes, "The idea is to THINK, Amy. It's cognitive only day. Besides... every time I try it I fall asleep. I don't like mediation."

"Massage would have worked if you tried it." She had attempted to help him. But he couldn't get it right, even with her detailed diagrams.

"Too complicated... I need something else." Massage would have to be a guided exercise, which made him think of the last suggestion, Amy must have read his mind.

"There is the last choice, you know. Re-Read Dr. Hofstadter's book with particular attention to chapter five."

"Chapter five gave me nightmares." Sheldon sighed, "I shouldn't have to contend with my baser urges like a common man."

Amy said calmly, "I would think of it like medicine. Treat it like you would a trip to the proctologist."

Sheldon crossed his legs thinking of the last visit.

Amy continued, "You could have regularly scheduled sessions that would release your tension, like a scheduled self-massage once a day. Or weekly. Masturbation Mondays, or something. It's no different than how some people have to take a two-week vacation every year, or they can't focus."

"I never needed to take vacations, but if I did, my mother would hijack my time for a visit to Texas... However, you do bring up my favorite word."

"Masturbation?"

"No... schedule. I do love scheduled events. My morning ablations run like a German train schedule. I have regular trips to the doctor and I also schedule when I will allow crying fits."

"Good. This is no different. But remember, this is to relieve stress, not create it. So make it fun."

"Fun and masturbation are not normally words that go together in my vocabulary." Sheldon leaned forward and looked around as if someone could hear before he asked. "Out of curiosity, how often do you.. um... perform self-abuse."

Amy was quiet for a moment as if she was thinking, then said, "I wouldn't call what I do self-abuse at all, and I'd say... At least once a day, or maybe more." Amy cleared her throat and asked, "Um, have you ever done this activity? I thought a few weeks ago-"

Sheldon scoffed, and said flatly, "That was a one-time thing." He cleared his throat and said proudly, "However, I doubt I would need to do it that often."

"Well, you decide. So, since Cognitive day is a bust, 'take the L' as the kids say. How about my new game? I was thinking we could rename all the generals of the Civil War to Care Bears, and then redo the battle of Antietam. General McClellan could be FunShine bear and General Lee is obviously-"

"Hold on, I'm not ready. How exactly do you do this?"

"Well, we will make a list of the generals-"

"No, I mean masturbate."

"NOW?" Amy yell hurt Sheldon's ears.

"Why not? Besides, I can't think anyway, I might as well do a mindless activity, besides your game of course."

"Of course." Amy snapped.

"What do you do?" Sheldon asked innocently. "I mean... what do you think about?"

"Well…" Her voice softened and she paused for a moment before she answered, "I just think about... I really don't know. I guess, I just. I don't know Sheldon. It's rather personal. Okay... Well...Start with what arouses you."

"I'm not sure..."

Amy drew in a breath and said in that calm and soothing voice he loved so much, "Think of something so exciting, so exhilarating, you're giddy when it happens. You surge, every electron in your body fires. You have a profound sense of relief and excitement because you know that you want it to happen again. When that feeling is happening, you want to last forever. Have you ever had a feeling like that?"

Sheldon remembered how his friends had described him when waiting for Amy to call. Giddy anticipation. Then when the phone rang, he was euphoric, and the excitement continued. Hearing her voice, listening to her wise words, and comforting tone, it was like a tender kiss, a kiss he wanted every time. He depended on it, it helped him sleep, her voice helped him think, he needed it. Her voice. That was the key.

"I think I have something I can use."

"Good. Then use that."

"It might get awkward." Sheldon could feel his hands become wet with sweat. He rubbed them on his pant leg.

"Oh?"

"Yes... um... I need your voice."

"Oh!" Amy paused for a moment that seemed to last a life time, and then said, "Well, okay... That's okay... I guess I can read Dr. Hofstadter's book to you."

"No. Not that. But...Maybe a fantasy... like-" Sheldon was about to suggest she read his Batman/Catwoman fantasy with her husky voice, but she had other ideas.

Her voice perked up, "I have a fantasy... I have been thinking of lately which I think is rather riveting. It would be a good introduction to the idea of self-massage first before masturbation, and then you can see if you like it. Would you like to hear it?"

"Color me intrigued." Sheldon sat up on his bed and hugged the phone to his ear.

"Are you familiar with Little House on the Prairie?"

"I assume it's about a dwelling in the middle of a grassy field. You're not selling it too well, sister, I have to admit"

"No, it's a television show set in the 1800's. Well, what if a young woman lives by herself in a little house. No one around for miles, but one day, a stranger shows up. A tall dark-haired stranger, with enchanting blue eyes, rounded muscles, and thin lips."

Sheldon smiled at her description, "I think he sounds like a handsome fellow I must say."

"And he has a suspicious mole on his shoulder."

"Quickly losing interest." Sheldon scolded.

"Yes, well, she will discover the mole when she gives him a bath."

"She gives him a bath? Why can't he give himself a bath?"

"She is helping him because he is wounded."

"Wounded? Like from some horrible accident, or some trauma? This story doesn't sound very good so far, I have to say-"

Amy interrupted, "Let's say he was an engineer on a train."

Sheldon leaned forward, "Go on."

"And his train was robbed and they threw him off the train."

"I bet they took his pants and all his stuff..." Sheldon groused, but said with interest, "However...I like the train part. Go on."

"Then a young woman with long brown braids, wearing a cotton dress finds him one day as she is gathering lavender and drags him back to her house. She nurses him back to health with herbs and hot soup and he recovers from his fever."

"FEVER? Is he sick? You know the archaic medicine at that time was one step away from leeches. Do I need a real doctor? Is it SARS? Or that virus going through China now?"

"Sheldon! Calm Down. It's not a virus. It's just from the shock, and besides the point is that you need a bath, lots of nice warm bubbly lavender baths where I rub your whole naked glistening body with soft cloths and sing to you. So...you want my expert command of your central nervous system or what!?"

Sheldon swallowed and did what he was told. "'Yes... please." Sheldon begged.

Amy softened her tone like a kitten's purr. "It's going to be hard to reach in this big brass tub. So I might have to get into the tub with you."

"Do you um, think that is sanitary?"

"I think it's our fantasy and we can imagine it as clean as the UCLA brain lab, if we want... Also, I wanted to touch you. Touch your neck and shoulders."

"My neck does hurt." Sheldon confessed as he rubbed his aching neck, then remembered the fantasy. "The train needed coal, I must have strained something..."

"Oh you poor, engineer! I locate the spot where the scapula meets the acromion process." Amy's voice lowered, and she commanded him, "Do it now. Find that spot."

Sheldon moaned slightly, "Myofascial point...Yes..."

Sheldon remembered the massage technique she had sent him. He had never tried it out, but that night, with her voice guiding him he felt pleasure like never before.

"Following my instructions. Do what I tell you to do." "Good. You're a good listener." Amy praised him.

He found the place, the perfect relief.

He wailed out, "Oh that's nice... Yes... Just...like that...Oh that's it! That's the spot! OH YES! AMY!"

Sheldon laid back on the bed, breathless and relieved.

"That was amazing." Sheldon sighed out. "I don't understand why I couldn't do it before..." Sheldon sat up and said softly, "Your command of the central nervous system is exceptional."

Sheldon then had an amazing thought, and seeing as it was Cognitive Day, he thought the idea was brilliant. "Perhaps we can schedule a regular call about it. Um... like we did to create the story for the NFC 2.0?"

Amy's voice rose up, "I would enjoy that. I love to ignite my fantasy world, and role play in a unique way. You practice this week so our sessions will be more... um... productive. I will as well."

"Okay... now we're talking! Next Thursday, it's a date."

Amy giggled and said, "It's a date."


	12. Call me Anytime

_**Sheldon** :_

Sheldon didn't know what to expect from their Thursday session. He had attempted self-abuse during the week as she had suggested, but his attempts were tepid at best, dare he say flaccid and disappointing. He didn't see the need to continue this schedule of self-abuse, but for some hidden Freudian reason, he wanted to if only to prove that he could.

After an encouraging call to Dr. Beverly Hofstadter, who was thrilled to discuss the subject in great detail, he understood the underlying imperative for release.

As she pushed her glasses on her face, she accentuated her point by lowering her tone and glaring into the camera, "Sheldon. I must say, this mysterious woman and your virtual relationship intrigues me. I would love to do a study on the effects of social distancing via a vis personal relationships."

"That's fascinating, but I really need to know more about chapter five."

"I'm sure you do." Her cracked smirk meant Sheldon asked the right questions. But then she said, "Your ersatz relationship with this woman means you are substituting the companionship normally associated with Leonard in order to stabilize your emotional foundations. However, intellectually, you have never been satisfied. I believe this new relationship has ignited a new section of your brain; an unstimulated, largely neglected area that you need to access. Touch that part you've ignored for too long and you truly feel satisfied."

Sheldon protested, "But I am talking about masturbation."

Beverly smirked and said, "So am I."

Leonard's mother often had insights that Sheldon had failed to consider. These self-abuse sessions should be viewed as medicinal, and just like a swallow of his favorite pink liquid when his tummy was upset, he would take his medicine.

Other than the story they had crafted to fool the New Friends Club, Sheldon had no experience with creating sexual fantasy. However, Amy had said, "role play", so he knew exactly what to research. He created a brilliant scenario that he had to admit, was quite invigorating.

The orc princess is rescued by a half High Elf half human 54 level wizard, with a double attack of meteor swarm and incendiary cloud, with a roll of 18 on the saving throw, there was no way that this campaign could not be sexy, but after 15 minutes into the explanation, Amy interrupted.

"Um, Sheldon... I hate to say this-"

"I know, the Armor class on the guards was a little low, and they would have a heavier battle ax but I think this is a realistic-"

"No Sheldon, I mean, this really isn't doing it for me. I mean, where is the romance? Where is the intimacy?"

"Well, someone failed their perception check! I'm getting to that if you let me go through the campaign, he will defeat the guards and the princess will be so thankful, she kisses him, and um... other stuff..."

"Skip to the other stuff."

"Oh, man, I had a whole battle sequence!" Sheldon whined.

"You won, go team! Now let's get to it."

Sheldon put away his detailed D&D campaign and settled back on the bed. He said, half-heartedly, "Fine. I... I mean the half-elf wizard would remove your armor."

"Okay... I remove yours as well."

He stuttered as he said, "I... kiss you."

Amy said with a low sultry voice, "And... kiss you back."

Sheldon leaned forward and said, "I move my kiss to your neck and shoulders. What do you do?"

"I arch back to let you kiss closer to my breasts."

"Hold on second." Sheldon rattled some dice in a cup and asked, "Do I need to roll a saving throw?"

"What?" Amy asked, "What's that sound?"

"My dice."

"No, you rolled a 100, keep going."

"It's an icosahedron sided die."

"A 20 then, every roll is a 20. Now go on!"

Sheldon put his dice away, and said in a huff, "Okay...seems like the Dungeon Master is going easy on the players, but okay... I ... he... continues to kiss her breasts while his... my hands are moving down your back, down your spine to your hips, curved and firm. You moan, almost growl to my touch, and the sound makes me want to explore your body, just to hear that sound again."

Amy groans into the phone. Sheldon swallowed as he felt a sensation building in him. The more he spoke, of touching, tasting her, the more the words caused a physical reaction in his body.

Amy's throaty, low voice described how she would touch him. Slow delicate and methodical. "Touch yourself now as I describe. Soft strokes, with a just a slight pressure between your index finger and thumb that strengthens as you move down the length."

Sheldon did as instructed, as she took over the story. "I move on top of you, allowing you to enter me, the sensation you are feeling tightens with each stroke. I am howling, tightening myself, touching your chest. Imagine my hands going down your skin while you feel every sensation as if it was real, as if I was on top of you, as if you are making me feel this way. Only you will ever make me feel this way. Only you will command me to climax. You are in control. My every nerve is begging, pleading to you. Sheldon make me yours. Make me say it."

Sheldon pumped his own erection feverishly. He was in control of everything, the timing, the feeling, the moans on the phone. Only one further command needed.

"Now... Amy. Climax for me. Now!"

Her tender voice crackled with orgasm, a reverberating tone that shuddered through him, connecting all his nerves to one point, one release. He drew in a breath, and then felt a cataclysmic sensation, a jolt of climax that felt like a completed circuit, a puzzle piece found, a song in perfect pitch, a domino trail following, a feeling he would never forget.

He collapsed back after his muscles released. He opened his eyes, almost forgetting she wasn't in the room with him. "That was..."

Amy's heavy breath was the only thing he could hear. "Yes it was."

"So... D&D isn't so bad, is it?"

"I'll play with you any time."

If he had had the energy, he would have bolted up with excitement as he blurted out, "Really? They have online gaming rooms that we can join! I believe-"

"I believe that I only enjoy it when you are telling the story." Amy sighed out and said in a sleepy voice, "Have any more stories to tell me... Next week?"

"I just might." Sheldon smiled.

#

**Bernadette and Penny:**

As Amy closed her eyes in slumber across the city, Bernadette was pouring Penny another glass of wine, her third of the night, so Penny was still pretty sober, but Bernadette was sauced. Good thing she was already home.

Bernadette was slumped in the couch, whining to Penny. She had tried calling Amy for two weeks, to no avail. "I just feel terrible! I've tried reaching out to her but she's just not answering me other than a short text thanking me for the opportunity but she is exploring other options at this time. I think it was cut and pasted it from an employment site."

"I should have used that when I was dating." Penny sipped her wine, then snapped her fingers and said with a wide smile, "I got it! Invite her to a girl's night! She can't think it's related to work if she is part of a big party, not a one on one thing."

"Great idea." Bernadette said as she sat up, albeit a bit unsteadily, and opened her computer to access the Evite website. "Who else shall we invite?"

"Well there is Raj's new fiancée."

"Which one is he on this week?"

"I think the one his mother sent, no wait, his father... not sure but doesn't matter, he has the wedding scheduled for April regardless of who it is... just send a generic invite to Raj…oh and get Velma from accounting. We can have drinks and watch a movie or something. Do you think Dr. Fowler will go for it?"

"Yeah! We'll try for next weekend, it's only a few weeks before Valentine's day, so we better book her fast. The way her phone was ringing off the hook, she might be pretty busy."

"Great! We can do it here." Penny announced.

"Why can't we do it at your place? This place is like Romper room."

Penny looked around the living room which looked like Toys R Us threw up its inventory. "Fine. But no guys! I'll kick out Leonard. Sheldon can baby sit him. He's been pretty quiet about the move. I am starting to think that he is actually upset, but refuses to say so, typical Sheldon."

"Howie will be busy with the kids. He needs the practice." Bernadette hit send on the Evite. "God, I hope she comes."

#

**Amy:**

Amy had finished her riveting lunchtime phone call with Sheldon about stick-toting Puffins using tools as she explained her hair routine.

"...so you see, these seabirds use sticks to groom themselves, so my use of chop sticks to hold up my hair is not so crazy."

"Agreed."

As fascinating as the topic may be, they both had work to do and as they ended the call, Sheldon wanted to reaffirm their scheduled Thursday meeting time. She confirmed the 9:00 PM appointment, and given their topic today of stick-welding, she informed him that she already had some ideas involving Harry Potter and the Very Magic Wand that she hoped he would enjoy, and his sultry, "I'm looking forward to it." Had her blushing like a school girl.

Before she closed her laptop for the day, she decided she'd open the email sent by Bernadette the night before. Amy had thought that her pointed response informing Bernadette that she was exploring other options would have put to test any further contact, however, Bernadette had still not ceased harassing her. Amy had ignored the email it all day, but she needed to put a nail in this issue once and for all.

It took her a few minutes to realize that it was an Evite to a Girl's Night. But why would Bernadette invite her to such an event given that she had only wanted to poach her for her capitalistic-based science wasteland. Was this part of a multi-level marketing scam? Maybe she was a serial killer, or worse than that, a Tupperware dealer! But the Evite did say it was going to be an evening of 'fun for a group of fun girls to have fun and do friendship things'.

Amy's mind went immediately to braiding each other's hair, trying on clothes or, according to Wikipedia, experimentation with lesbianism. "A girl's night?" she suddenly felt giddy, short of breath, her hands became clammy and she felt her heart start to race. She'd never had a panic attack before whilst alone, it had always happened when she was in a crowd. She took a deep and before she could second guess herself, she hit "accept" on the Evite and slammed her laptop shut.

During her drive home, and as she prepared and ate her dinner, Amy kept thinking of her first girl's night. She was curled up in bed with her laptop researching entertaining topics of conversation, and suitable 'comfortable clothing' as specified by the invitation, when she heard a text alert on her phone, then another, and then a third.

**"Amy?"**

**"Amy?"**

**"Amy?"**

It was 9:20 and she had missed their 9:00 PM call. Amy called him back. "Hello Sheldon. Please forgive my tardiness."

"Amy... thank goodness." Sheldon sounded out of breath and quite distraught. "I was about to send out police to look for... Well... I guess a woman who is interested in harp music and Neil Diamond."

"That's half of California, Sheldon." Amy chuckled. "Forgive me... I just became absorbed in a fascinating web site." Amy closed her laptop after she book marked the sale at Target on sweat pants. "How are you?"

"Well, I must say, not well. I am very concerned over this virus ravaging through China and now I hear it's on Cruise ships. We should start to stock up on essentials."

"A wise move." Amy opened her lap top again and went to the toilet paper section of the web site. "I'm getting hand sanitizer and I recommend you do as well."

#

The following evening Amy arrived at 2311 North Los Robles Ave by Uber just in case the party got "too crazy". The elevator was out of commission so she started up the stairs to the 4th floor. She was about to knock on 4A, and then double checking the invitation on her phone. She knocked on 4B.

A fetching blonde woman answered the door that Amy recognized as the other woman from the conference. "Oh, right on time I see." She tapped her watch, and then with a sweeping motion welcomed Amy into the apartment. "Come in! Would you like a glass of wine?"

"Oh, peer pressure based social drinking that mother warned me about. Color me intrigued." Amy entered the apartment eager for a night of estrogen-based fun filled activities.

#

Penny closed the door just as Sheldon opened his, to check on the mysterious voice outside his apartment.

"Now I'm hearing that woman everywhere! The Vixen." Sheldon turned back into the apartment. He had wanted to spend some time crafting a new story for his next session with Amy on Thursday as he sorted his laundry. Unfortunately, his soon to be ex-roommate had derailed that particular train.

"Leonard, I don't know why you're over here tonight disrupting my new schedule just so Penny can have a hen party! Today is Saturday, Leonard. Saturday! Laundry night." Sheldon really just wanted Leonard to leave so he could get his Laundry done, and spend more time googling interesting positions to try and top Amy's latest fantasy.

Leonard ignored his outburst saying "Come on Sheldon, we have been putting off splitting this stuff up for a while. We move in less than a month! February is a short month at that!"

Sheldon didn't need any reminding of the calendar. He knew Leonard was scheduled to move out in 29 days.

Leonard walked to the wall near the door and pointed at an item, "Now, who gets the Game of Thrones sword?"

"You can have it."

"Really?" Leonard asked surprised, as he took the sword off the wall.

"Sure, and the action figures and the game systems. As soon as you pay me for my half since these were purchased with the intent of being displayed in a "mutually agreed upon location." Sheldon handed Leonard the signed roommate agreement and pointed out the appropriate paragraph.

"That was when we lived together. This is void since we aren't really roommates anymore."

"Sorry. You signed the agreement concerning decorations in this apartment. If you want them, you have to pay for the other half of them." Sheldon handed him a detailed spreadsheet accounting for all the items in the apartment that they had purchased together.

Leonard's eyes widened upon seeing an amount that was larger than his down payment. "I can't pay this! I'm buying a house!"

"I'll be reasonable...you can do a payment plan!" Sheldon took his spreadsheet back and said, "Or...you can visit them in my new collectables room. By the way, I have kept your bed in place in case things don't work out... You know how things go." Sheldon gave Leonard a shrug and a sympathetic smile.

Leonard shook his head as if he had expected such a response. He sat in the beige chair and rubbed his eyes before he said in a calm voice, "Sheldon, buddy. I think you're deflecting your anger about my leaving onto my relationship with Penny, and..." Leonard looked over at the new cat scratching post placed behind the couch. "...and I don't think getting a bunch of cats is a good idea."

"You may have your mother's genes, but don't think for a second that her superior knowledge passed through her DNA to you. I am fine. I am not upset about the change. Things are good. I have a new routine that is suiting me rather well. Also, don't think about touching that Cat Woman scratching post."

"When did you get all this new stuff?" Leonard tilted his head and asked Sheldon with a concerned tone as he eyed a new D&D figure set, "What do you need this for? You canceled D&D on Thursdays."

"Stuff... Personal stuff and leave it at that. Now, we do need to go through the books. I recommend you take the ones your mother wrote; you need a refresher course on her wisdom."

"You can keep those!" Leonard picked up the Harry Potter wand on the cabinet, but Sheldon let out a screech.

"No! You can't take that!"

"But it's mine! I bought it at Harry Potter World with Howard!"

"No, that's mine. I ordered it this week..."

"Fine... I don't know why you didn't just go with us when we invited you!"

"I heard the rides are scary." Sheldon took his prized wand to his room.

**Across the hall...**

Amy finished her discourse, "... but please excuse my expostulation on the dexterous benefits of dental floss knitting as they related vis-a-vis to female masturbation techniques." Amy smiled at the group of women all hanging on her every word.

Penny turned to Bernadette and whispered, "I only got half of that."

"I took notes." Raj's fiancée, Misha, winked at them and turned to Amy. "So, tell me, Amy. How did you learn such a... um... rigorous method?"

"I'm self-taught." Amy shifted uncomfortably on a chair that looked like it might have been found outside in a dumpster. She referred back to her list of socially acceptable banter that she had referenced for the evening. "That's number seven on the list."

Bernadette joked, "Um... do you have other helpful techniques on that list?"

Amy shook her head, 'No, but if you have a banana, I can show you another technique I learned was quite effective for fellatio. If you imagine the banana is a magic wand-"

Penny interrupted, "So, ladies! More wine?"

Bernadette lifted her glass for Penny to refill. She leaned over and asked Amy, "So tell us, Amy...who was the person who kept calling you when we were at dinner?"

Penny perked up, and said, "YES! What's the dirt! Who are you dating?"

Amy shrugged and answered flatly, "No one. I only date once a year to appease my mother. Which reminds me, I need to schedule something soon." Amy pulled out her phone and set a calendar alert for a month to "Get a Date." she returned to the conversation since all eyes were upon her. She smiled and sipped her water glass. She had decided not to indulge in alcohol for her first girl's night, though the Kahlua on ice cream looked inviting.

"No one? No wonder you're so good at that um...that knitting thing..." The girl on her left, Velma, looked sympathetically at Amy and grabbed another cookie from the tray in front of her. She said to the group, "I work in accounting, and I thought that was a lonely field."

"Oh, I'm not lonely." Amy smiled at the group, "I'm just not interested in investing time in a romantic relationship based on current socially acceptable paradigms."

"Don't you want someone to snuggle up to at night?" Misha suggested.

"Hold you when you're sad?" Velma spoke as if an authority.

"Or just be there when you have a great day?" Bernadette offered.

Penny said, "Or buy you a car when yours craps out."

Amy suddenly felt like a misfit, all of the women had someone, a significant other. She put forward her case, "Well, I don't want to compromise my time for another and... my car runs fine."

Penny slumped into her chair and said, "Well, you do have to compromise a lot. Also, your career choices are tied to the other person for the rest of your life! I mean the pressure to have kids! It's just too much! You give up a part of yourself every day; you become someone you never thought you'd see. Can you even say that you're the same person you were when you met him? I mean, am I right?" Penny looked around the room for confirmation; Misha slugged back her entire glass of wine in one go, the girl from accounting looked less than happy, but Bernadette just shrugged.

"I don't know, me and Howie are great. I didn't change for him at all."

Penny said, "Well, I have to admit that Leonard has also changed for me. I guess that that is what love is. You change for the other person."

"But if you change for the other person, doesn't that mean you were only in love with the person you wanted them to be, not the person they are?" Misha asked.

Amy thought for a moment before she spoke. She said, "I think if you love the person, you would never ask them to change. I have someone... someone very special to me, and I would never ask him to change. I know he will never want to be with me. I could manipulate him. I have a fascinating experiment based on Ebbinghaus' work that I could use. I could make it so he loved me but I accept him for who he is. I compromise for him out of my feelings for him, but I don't expect him to do it for me."

"Sounds like you love him a lot." Bernadette said, with a hint of sadness in her voice.

Amy sighed and said, "I think I'll take that ice cream now."

About two hours later, Sheldon shot off a quick text to Amy as he finished the last of his laundry folding for the night.

_"I hope you had a pleasant evening. I had a grueling evening with Wheezy, however, I did work out a payment plan for a portion of the collectibles. I hate to admit that I compromised on the price for the Mr. Spock cuckoo clock."_

As Sheldon rounded the corner from the laundry room, his basket in hand, he caught a glimpse of a woman leaving the apartment building. Her ample bottom swayed as she pushed the door open and sauntered down the road to enter a car hire. Sheldon couldn't take his eyes off her long brown hair or her bottom as she bent over to enter the car and his inattention caused him to drop his clean laundry on the floor.

He looked up just as the car drove away and his phone alerted him to a text from Amy.

 _ **"I had an interesting evening, though I am a little light headed... Too much ice cream."**_ Amy sent a final text for the evening, _**"I'm glad you worked out things with Wheezy... Compromise is a sign of love."**_


	13. Call me, love

## Sheldon:

Valentine’s Day 2020:

Yet again, Sheldon found himself in the car waiting for Leonard. Luckily, this time, it wasn't 104 degrees.

He texted Leonard "If you insist on making me wait, I will be forced to issue another strike. You're on strike two for the month. Are you sure you want to risk it given you will be moving out two weeks!"

Instead of texting, Leonard rang back. "Wait... late for what, where are you?"

"In your car. At the appointed time. We have a standing mid-month shopping event on the second Friday of every month. And given the new virus that is coming our way, we need to stock up."

"Sheldon! It's Valentine's Day! I am going to be taking Penny out to dinner. She's about to pick me up and I won't be taking you shopping. I thought you had an eidetic memory...how can you forget Valentine's day?"

"How can you forget mid-month shopping?" Sheldon said, annoyed.

Leonard paused and said with a discernible slyness in his voice, "Because it's a leap year, we are off a day. So we can go tomorrow!" Leonard sounded very pleased with himself, until Sheldon corrected him. 

"Which is why I put FRIDAY mid-month; not a specific date." Sheldon remembered Amy's advice about compromise and offered, "Fine... If you insist... Penny can come if she holds the case of toilet paper. Also, she has to bring her own list."

"No way. Penny is not going shopping. We'll shop when we get to the new place. I'm not moving all the stuff she is likely to buy once she gets loose in a shop."

"But we need to get toilet paper and hand sanitizer before the hoarders get it."

"You, Sheldon, you are the one in California hoarding. I'm getting off the phone. We will go tomorrow. Penny's here now. "

"I have a very strict schedule, Leonard, you know that! Tomorrow is laundry day, then and... Did you just hang up on me? Of course you did." Sheldon knew Leonard would give in, he just had to be patient and wait for Leonard to come to his senses. He rolled down the window a crack to let air in.

Sheldon's next instinct was to text Amy and see what she thought of Leonard's flagrant disregard of established protocols for some socially imposed outdated ritual created by the greeting card companies to drum up sales. As he waited for her reply he smiled, remembering the day he had first "met" her virtually.

However, after 10 minutes of waiting, she still hadn't answered his texts. _"I'm sure you are busy with your own shopping for the impending crisis. I myself plan to purchase a case of hand sanitizer over and above my normal supply."_

No response.

_"You there? This is Sheldon, by the way. I'm sure you know."_

" ..."

 _"Are you capable of responding? I see that you have seen my messages."_ Sheldon wondered if he could drive Leonard's car to the police station and put out an APB for a harp-playing knitter with a fondness for 1970's television shows. He really did need to think about breaking the friendship agreement and asking for personal information.

Finally, a reply: " ** _Yes, I have seen them. I'm just not in the mood for much talking today."_**

" _Good thing we are texting then_." Sheldon texted and then waited for an LOL. Nothing. He wrote back, " _Have you some sort of gastronomical intestinal distress after your ill-thought culinary adventure of Korean and Mexican Fusion for your lunch break. I heard Sombrero del Seoul is not that good, frankly_."

**_"No, it's the not the food. It's Valentine's Day. I just never thought of this holiday before. Now, it's like there are hearts everywhere, cheap chocolate and I can't go to the store without seeing roses and red balloons."_ **

_"You should be seeing a case of toilet paper. I'm telling you, please stock up."_

**_"Yes, I hear you on that, but I just can't deal with much today. I'm still at work and they decorated the break room with a giant anatomically correct cupid. It's frightening."_ **

_"Nothing scarier than a half-dressed child armed with a bow and arrow."_

**_"Don't pay attention to me; it's just a lonely day."_ **

_"Again, I will say...Good thing I texted you then. Even though you shouldn't care about the silly man-made holiday anyway."_

**_"Yes, but really aren't all holidays man-made. Anyway, I know it's a silly social construct that has no intrinsically value to me as a person and normally that is not an issue. But for some reason this year Valentine's Day seems to highlight how alone I am. Maybe I should be out there."_ **

The next text made Sheldon sit up and nearly choke on the seat belt strangling his neck.

**_"I think I might be ready. I have to go on my annual date anyway to appease my mother.”_ **

_"Nonsense.”_ Sheldon wrote but Amy texted back _:_

**_“My new friends wanted to set me with their neighbor across the hall. They almost had me go over and knock on his door, but I said no."_ **

_Sheldon couldn’t type fast enough, “Some strange neighbor? Who knows what kind of weirdo that person could be! Now is no time to be dipping your toes in the germy dating pool. I think I know your problem. It must be your cycle. You are off by a week."_

**_"It's not my cycle, Sheldon! I told you, QUIT mentioning that!"_ **

_"Fine, but don't use all CAPs it hurts my ears."_

**_"We are texting, you can't hear me, remember."_ **

_"I do. I hear every text. I memorized your voice when you called and every time I read your texts, I hear it with your particular inflections. Your tone is very distinctive. I even went back and re-read all your texts with this new knowledge. I particularly enjoyed our first sessions for the DFC club."_

**_"I don't know what to say."_ **

_"If you like, I could write a predictive text algorithm based on your previous responses, but I would guess you might say, "That's very thoughtful, Sheldon."_

**_"Yes, that sounds like me."_ **

_"I know."_

**_"Thank you, Sheldon. You always make me feel better."_ **

_"Good."_

Sheldon then called Amy, who picked up, "Hello. Now, I have an important question for you."

"Yes?" Amy eked out.

"Do you have an Escherichia coli in your lab?"

"Yes. Of course."

"And Acinetobacter baylyi?

"Yes, but--"

"Go get them, and put them together in a dish. Be careful, I don't want you to get sick... I'll wait."

A few minutes later Amy returned to phone. "I don't know why I am doing this, these are unremarkable bacter-- Oh wait... look at that!"

"Describe it."

"It's blooming out in symmetrical patterns, like bands then and the A. Abylyi is pushing the E. Coli into a pattern. It's like--"

"Flower petals. See? You got flowers for Valentine's Day."

Amy's voice cracked when she said, "Oh Sheldon, this is so wonderful. Thank you so much!"

"Good. Now, that's done. Go wash your hands with the strongest disinfectant you can find and then let's discuss your provisions for the coming apocalypse."

Sheldon spent so long in the car chatting with Amy about disaster preparations that he forgot the time and only knew it was past his bedtime when Leonard knocked on the window.

"Forgive me Amy, my roommate is finally here so I should bid you goodbye." Sheldon then said warmly, "I hope you had a good Valentine's Day."

"Marvelous. Thank you, Sheldon." Amy hung up just as Sheldon rolled down the window to greet Leonard who had a hint of wine on his breath, and seemed to be half dressed in his underwear.

Leonard was exasperated, "Sheldon! Have you been waiting in the car this whole time?"

Sheldon was about to tell him he had forgotten the time while talking with Amy, but decided that guilt was a wonderful motivator. "Yes, I have. And I must say, this will cost you a strike! By the way, did you know the singular of confetti is confetto, which you have on your nose? Begging the question why do you have a confetto on your nose."

Leonard brushed the offending article off his face. "As you know Penny and I were going out to dinner, but there was a wait for the table, and then she said she felt old doing something so boring on Valentine's Day, so we had to prove we were young and fun. Oh. Never mind. We're going up, are you coming?"

"Yes. I better get some sleep." Sheldon exited the car and headed toward the apartment after he glanced at his watch noting the time. "Shopping tomorrow will take all day. And you owe me a big favor, Leonard. You can expect that I will collect before you move out."

"Oh man..." Leonard stomped in front of Sheldon up the stairs. His cupid costume did not cover his hind quarters enough for Sheldon's taste, so he pushed ahead on the stairs and went to bed.

#

## Amy

The day after Valentine's Day, Amy felt a bit better about her silly nagging feeling of being alone. However, she continued to avoid couples and the forced social construct of romantic love, so when she received another invitation for a girl's night that Sunday, she jumped at the chance.

During her Saturday grocery shopping, she saw all the forgotten roses and left-over cards and laughed at the waste. However, half price on a box of Cadbury chocolates could not be sniffed at. She could bring the extra candy to her girl's night scheduled the next evening at a local bakery, though it seemed akin to bringing coals to Newcastle, as they say.

Sunday evening, Amy arrived on time at the Hot Crossed Buns bakery, and waited for Bernadette and the other girls to arrive. She wondered why Bernadette had picked such a location for a girl's night. The whole bakery seemed set up for a cake tasting. Maybe the girls wanted free samples, a frugal practice.

The tables displayed all types of tiered wedding cakes with sliced samples of each one. In the corner was a rather scandalous display of cakes labeled, "Bachelorette party delights." As Amy eyed the display with interest, the kind attendant asked her when her date would arrive.

Amy answered, "I think they'll be here in a few minutes, but those girls are always late."

The attendant looked confused, "Okay... More than one? That's new, but don't worry! We are an inclusive bakery who does not discriminate based on sexual orientation or um... polygamy, I guess..."

"I should hope not. But I think you should know there's an anatomically incorrect penis in the corner labeled, "This Bud's for Hank." Amy looked around for a place to sit, but the couples who had come in for the cake tasting had taken most of the open seats.

Standing in the corner of the room, she watched as the couples fed each other cake, commenting on the texture and flavor while sharing lingering looks of love. She felt what was now becoming a familiar feeling of being alone. Normally, she enjoyed her solitary lifestyle but watching the loving couples' fuss over each other made Amy feel like she was missing something.

After five pieces of cake, two of which tasted like they had anise in them, and the other three some unknown substance, she left. Neither Bernadette or Penny had arrived, but Amy couldn't stand another minute of it. She felt as if she had had a sugar overload.

In her car, she was about to text the girls that she couldn't stay any longer, but Bernadette called her instead.

"Hey girl, sorry we are late. Traffic was insane. Is it popping in there?"

"It's a little crazy. I think the favorite of the night is the lavender lemon sponge."

"I haven't heard of that striper before. Did you bring your dollars?"

"Um... I brought some rolls of nickels." Amy looked at the rolled change sticking out of her purse.

"Okay... but I doubt they will fit in their tight pants. We are parking on Colorado Blvd now. See you soon!" Colorado Blvd was nowhere near Amy's location. She looked at the invitation again. She was supposed to go to Hot Buns Strip club, not Bakery. 

"I'm sorry ladies. Please include me another time. I'm just not in the mood tonight. Thank you for the invitation."

The next morning, on Sheldon's morning call, Amy felt dehydrated and loud noises made her bilious. She wished she had gone to the club with the girls, almost regretting missing out. The evening would have been fun, and in fact having a man's penis wave in her face might normally have excited her, but after seeing the fake one at the bakery, none could compare.

When she finally picked up on the fourth ring, Sheldon asked her, "Did you imbibe last night, Amy? You seem a little out of sorts."

Amy took a look at the roll of nickels sticking out her purse and said with certainty. "No, but I overdid it on cake." Amy sighed and said, "It's fine. I'm fine."

#

## Sheldon:

Over the week that followed the daily check in's and the evening wrap ups continued as normal, but Amy's mind seemed distracted and when she didn't answer his trivia questions on flags, he knew something was wrong. He remembered his Meamaw used to say, “Fine is short for “Feelings Internalized Not Expressed.” He always thought she meant gas.

He penned an email to her exploring the cognitive evidence of her distraction as proof she had contracted some virus. He sent a three-page medical contact history form for her to fill out but she refused based on the confidentiality clause of the Friendship agreement.

Dissatisfied with the outcome of that attempt, he needed more insight into the pesky female mind. Sheldon crossed the landing, and shaking his head at the level he had sunk to, he rapped his signature knock on 4B. Penny opened the door, trying to block his view of inside the apartment, but Sheldon smelled the distinct aroma of cardboard and packing tape.

"Oh, Sheldon.... I didn't expect you to visit today."

Sheldon brushed her aside and entered the apartment, "I know all about your feeble attempts to shield my feelings about your impeding abandonment of me so you and Leonard can grow your relationship in the backwater of Alta Dena. I'm not a child, I can handle it."

Sheldon dropped onto the teal couch expecting an offer of a hot beverage, but realized that none would be forthcoming as Penny was obviously packing her dishes in the kitchen. Sheldon watched in horror as she stacked plates with cups using nothing but newspaper. The whole lot would be in pieces before the box reached the door, let alone the four floors down stairs. Though he wondered why he should be surprised when he had witnessed her poor packing skills 11 years ago.

After a slew of criticisms and advice on proper stacking, Sheldon took over the job while Penny sat on the couch drinking wine out of a Dixie cup. Since he was going to ask Penny's advice about his recent dilemma with Amy, he thought he might as well do something productive.

"I am surprised at you being so organized in packing this early. You're not moving for almost three weeks."

"Well we eat out all the time so I thought I might as well get all the unnecessary stuff out of the way." She nodded to a stack of boxes by the door.

"Are you sure you're okay with this move, Sheldon? I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine...However, I do need some advice."

"Shoot." Penny took another drink out of her paper container.

"In your estrogen-based experience... is it just during your girly cycles that women are in a state of utter confusion and moody resulting in long pauses or delayed communication, or is it a permanent state?"

"We are never confused. We know exactly why we are upset. We just edit everything for you guys since you're swimming in a sea of testosterone and can't multitask nor use your Pary light lobes and insulta."

"That's parietal lobe and insula." Sheldon stopped and turned to Penny who had a smug expression on her face. "Where did you learn about neuroscience?"

"A new friend Bernie introduced me to. And...seeing as you can't pack and talk, I guess my new friend was right. Anyway, to answer your question, what's gonna on with your mystery girlfriend? Getting no love, huh?" Penny chuckled to herself.

"Nah... I get plenty of that. It's scheduled once a week and--"

Penny spit out her wine, "I'm sorry? What?"

"Oh, yes. We have been virtually sexually active for about a month now. It's just lately, during our normal correspondence, she's not as, how should I say, bubbly, on our calls."

"Calls? Sex calls? Does she charge you per minute?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes and started to the door, "Clearly, I came to the wrong person for advice. I'll leave you to this task--"

Penny rose off the couch to block Sheldon. "Let's put a pin in the sex calls but I still have to ask, are you sure she's a woman and not some Russian bot or something?"

"Unless he is very good at modulating his voice to the higher pitch of 160-300 hertz, she is a woman. Also, given her monthly melancholy, I'm sure of it. This brings me back to my original point. How do I get her out of this funk?"

"What does she say?"

"That's the problem, she doesn't say. She only states everything is **fine**."

"Oh no... Fine is never fine, Sheldon." Penny smirked.

Sheldon remembered he had just said he was fine with their move. He wasn't fine. Not in the least, but he wasn't going to let them know that.

"As you well know..." Penny continued, "That's a red flag! How long has she been like this?"

"Just this week, but I worry it's going to be a problem. She canceled our sing-a-long night this week, complaining she couldn't get the strings for her harp."

Penny curled up her legs on the couch and hugged her wine as she thought through the problem, "You don't see each other, but basically are dating... Usually it's because a girl is not being satisfied, but clearly that's happening, as weird as it is... Um..." Penny snapped her fingers and said with a huge smile, "You need to ask her on a real date! Take her to dinner, a movie, you know."

"A real date, as you state, is out of the question."

"Sheldon, are you afraid to meet her in person?

"Not at all, but she is against personal communication of any kind." Sheldon had wondered if perhaps it was time to suggest a more personal meeting, but not while she was moody. He didn't want to risk getting hit in the face with a purse – even virtually. However, Penny did have a good idea.

"I think I have a way to have this date of yours and still keep within the parameters of the relationship agreement. Thank you, Penny. You've been very helpful." Sheldon handed Penny the tape and left the apartment but not before she called out to him:

"You know, I got a big drawer of kitchen gadgets just itching to be organized, Sheldon."

"No thanks. I don't need to see anymore spatulas used only for fried pickles or some such nonsense. I got a date to plan." Sheldon waved goodbye and headed straight to 4A to write Amy an email.

#

## Amy:

During the girl's night a week ago, Amy had sat and listened to the girls talk about their significant others and she had begun to feel an odd hollowness in her own reassurances that she was fine with being alone and she realized one only notices loneliness when you're surrounded by people.

Amy had been rather quiet on the calls with Sheldon over the week that had followed, not because she didn't enjoy his company, quite the opposite, talking with Sheldon was the only time she didn't feel alone. However, she knew that this was going to be a hard month with Sheldon's roommate moving out, and she wanted to keep their correspondence light and fun, but the more she tried, the harder it was.

Driving from work one night she decided to go to a local Italian restaurant and treat herself to her favorite food, instead of getting take-out and eating at home.

The Olive Garden hostess looked at Amy, and then behind to see if there was anyone else, "Party of one?" She asked, judgmentally, which did nothing to improve Amy's mood.

"Yes, is that okay with you?"

"Why of course. I have just the table." The hostess gave a short, fake smile and proceeded to seat Amy at a table near the kitchen's swinging door. Every time wait staff entered or exited, the door banged against her table. However, the location was perfect; away from the hordes of families and couples enjoying dinner together.

As Amy waited for her chicken carbonara, she checked her email from Sheldon. " _Dear Amy, I know the friendship contract doesn't permit personal contact, and I am in agreement on this point. I realize personal contact would hinder our relationship by putting undue expectations on our physical proximity."_

The waitress brought out the food, and as Amy twirled the pasta on her fork, she continued reading, " _However, I have a proposal that I thought you might find intriguing_."

Sheldon suggested they see a movie at the same time, and then call each other afterwards to discuss the film. The thoughtful gesture warmed Amy, as much as the bread in front of her, and just as other couples would negotiate over dinner, Amy and Sheldon did the same but virtually. After a slew of emails back and forth in which she insisted she would not see a Star Wars movie and Sheldon refused to see Little Women, they agreed on a science documentary which was playing at a few select theaters. Amy felt so elated by the prospect, she splurged and ordered a dessert.

The next week, Amy went to a theatre near UCLA after work. She purchased her ticket, and then approached the concession counter.

"I would like some Jujubes, please."

"Look lady, I don't know what that is, and like I told the last guy… I don't have any." The attendant seemed irked over such a simple request for candy so Amy shrugged and purchased a box of Milk Duds instead.

She entered the darkened theater with a few minutes to spare before the film started. She had her pick of seats, though the best ones in the house were occupied by two men. The taller man had a crisp haircut and the shorter gentleman had on a hoodie and a jacket. Amy noticed that the taller man's phone was glowing and she hoped he didn't plan on being on the phone the whole time. However, just as the film was about to start, he put his phone away and shushed his friend who was about to speak.

She heard a text alert from Sheldon but decided to wait until after the film to read it and popped a Milk Dud into her mouth.

Amy watched the film and made mental notes to discuss with Sheldon later. During the credits, she decided to read the text she had received earlier from Sheldon.

_"I hope you purchased the jujubes I recommended. Unfortunately, my theater was out and I will pen a strongly worded letter to management."_

Amy stood up and followed the other patrons including the tall man with the nifty haircut. He had such a cute behind; she dropped her phone as she watched his marvelous gluteus maximus jiggle in front of her.

She was so distracted by the sight that she forgot her purse and had to run back just before they closed the doors for the night.

She texted Sheldon **: " _Unfortunately, the theater I attended didn't have any either; however, I settled on Milk Duds and was just as happy."_** She went to her car and spent an hour in the parking lot texting with Sheldon about the film before driving home.

After she crawled into bed, she hugged her pillow and whispered softly to it, as if would answer, "Good night, Sheldon." She drifted off to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14: Call of the Wild

_ **Amy** _

Amy was just about to leave work for the day, when her phone lit up. She rolled her eyes on seeing the caller id and answered the phone in a huff. "Mother, why are you calling me, you know I am busy this week."

Amy wasn't busy. In fact, she had very little on her schedule, but the last thing she wanted to do was talk to her mother, especially as she knew exactly what the conversation was going to be about.

"Don't give me that nonsense. You have nothing going on and you know it. Now... Amy dear...you know it's already two months into the new year. 2020 is the limit I had for you to find a man without my intervention. You still have not kept your promise, and don't try to include that date you had to your cousins wedding. That was a family commitment and you know it. You have to try and get yourself out there, honey. You're not getting any younger if you ever want to have children."

"Mother, we have talked about this. If I want to have children, I'll go to the high IQ sperm bank and be done with it. End of story."

"A father is very important in a child's life. Your father could use some work, sure, but that's no reason-"

"Mother... I'll schedule something soon. I promise." Amy got off the phone and was just about to pack her laptop away when the phone rang again: Her father this time.

"Amy... it's your father."

"Yes, dad, I know." Amy rolled her eyes and sighed. It was going to be a long evening.

"Yes, well, your mother is concerned..." Amy heard mumbling on the phone and then her father returned to the call, "I mean **we** are concerned that this bluestocking lifestyle will result in... " there was a pause and then she heard her father call out, "...what's this word, I can't read it."

Amy shook her head, and said, "Dad, tell mom you talked to me and that I'm going to make a date this week. I promise. Don't let her push you around so much."

Amy's father let out a relieved sigh and said, "Yes... well, thank you. So... do we keep talking?"

"No, dad. You're good. Bye." Amy hung up the phone and let out a huge sigh. She had better get a date soon or her poor father would be bullied into calling every day.

At one point she had thought about using the date with Sheldon as proof of her having completed her annual task, but her mother always asked three questions following the date: What was his full name so she could do a background check, what did he do for a living and what did he look like. She did not think that one out of three would satisfy her mother, so she had decided against it.

She was about to search the web for a dating site when the phone rang again. She picked it up without looking and screamed into the phone.

"I am trying to schedule a date with some poor unsuspecting soul as we speak! Get off my back!"

"Oh, sorry. Have I called at a bad time?" The voice on the other line eked out like a mouse.

Amy checked the caller ID on the phone. It was Penny.

"Forgive me, Penny. Not, I just thought it was my mother calling. She wants me to schedule a date so I won't be an old spinster. That Foreman grill 4 years ago has a lot to answer for."

"I don't know what you mean about grills, but if dates are what you want, I heard of this circuit dating. It's in a safe space and you can date over 20 people at once. Cull the herd so to speak and not waste time."

"That sounds... unbelievable!"

"Yeah, my friend Raj tried it last year. He got a few prospects but they fizzled out. I'll send you the info if you like."

"Thanks so much." Amy was about to get off the phone then asked, "Oh sorry, why are you calling?"

"Well, I was going to see if you were interested in grabbing a coffee so that I can pick your brains about a friend of mine that's going through a hard time. He's upset we are moving, and I could use your brain magic to figure him out. But since you're going to go on a date, let's go shopping instead!"

"That sounds amazing! This Friday?" Amy made plans with Penny and hung up. She was just about to leave when her annoying co-worker slithered into her lab and leaned against the door as she said with a sneer, "So... Looking for a date huh? Have I got the person perfect for ya!"

_**Sheldon** _

Last Saturday's shopping trip with Leonard was a harrowing experience, but Sheldon felt vindicated for Leonard's blatant disregard for their agreed-upon schedule. One would think that Leonard would have wanted to spend as much time as he could with Sheldon before he abandoned him, but it had been obvious that that assumption had been wrong, and the slight had stuck with Sheldon. He had snapped at Leonard through the whole shopping experience, made him promise to take Sheldon to a film for his virtual date with Amy the following Monday, and just for spite, had picked the furthest theatre showing the documentary making Leonard drive all the way to Westwood near UCLA. A choice that had backfired thanks to the lack of proper candy at the theater.

Sheldon was just finishing up dinner on Thursday when her call came in over 3 hours early. His weekly physical release schedule with Amy had quickly become his favorite day of the week. Sheldon adored his new solitary schedule and he was elated that she had the same regard for timeliness. Given this attribute, he was curious about the early alert for their nightly conversation.

"Good evening, Amy... A little early for our call. You didn't suddenly fly to the East Coast and happened to be calling me at 7:00 EST?"

"I wish I was on the East Coast. No, I just had a rather disturbing conversation with my co-worker who was trying to fix me up on a date with her cousin."

"I see." Sheldon took a large sip of water to wash down the lump in his throat. He stood up to throw what was left of his dinner away.

"Her cousin is a 300 pound WBA player that loves cat videos."

"What is WBA?"

"Women's basketball. I don't know what is more insulting: The fact that I would date an athlete or that she said it was the best I could do given my track record."

"You mean because she is a woman?"

"Not at all. It's because she has her own website dedicated to cats who dress up as old Presidents. Her most popular videos are Abracat Lincoln and Kitty Buchanan. "

Sheldon immediately went to his laptop and asked, "Where are these videos? That sounds adorable!"

"Maybe she is right..." Amy sighed.

"About Abracat Lincoln?"

"No! My Mother. About going on dates..."

"I don't know your dating history, but I think you could do better than a person who gets paid to throw an orange ball into a basket, or hoops as the kids say. Did you know the first hoop was not a hoop per se, but a peach basket, hence the term: Basket Ball?"

"I did know that fact... but I wonder..."

"I do too! It should be called Peach ball! We should start that trend!"

"No! I wonder if she was right! I mean about dating."

Sheldon felt the need to swallow the moisture in his mouth and cleared his throat. He suddenly decided that he needed a cup of tea. Possibly Red Zinger given the subject matter, or hot apple cider and cinnamon sticks. He went to the kitchen and filled the kettle as he continued the conversation.

"I don't see why you would waste your time. Remember, the last date you went on? The man had coitus with your cousin!" His voice cracked as he burned his hand on the stove.

"That was not the last date I went on, but I see your point. I do hate wasting time."

Sheldon smiled, "You're right! It wasn't the last date! We went to the movies "virtually" together. I still think that counts, no matter what Sleepy says!"

"Sheldon... It really doesn't count."

"It does! Just because we weren't in the room together doesn't mean anything! We spoke before the movie, and afterwards to berate the director's casting choices. It was the best date! We were with each other the whole time! Just because we weren't seated next to each other doesn't mean it didn't count! Besides, you can't talk in a movie anyway. Well, you can... but that is rude, as I pointed out to Wheezy before the movie started."

Sheldon paused for breath, annoyed. He had already had this discussion with Penny when he and Leonard had returned from his movie date. She had berated him, saying that it was a farce. However, Sheldon was adamant that the date was the best date he had ever. But Penny had dismissed his argument saying that he actually had nothing to compare it with and then she gave him the death blow. She said it didn't count as a real date because he hadn't kissed his date good night. Penny did not know that Sheldon had visualized kissing Amy good night in his pillow when he had gone to bed, just like their Thursday evening physical sessions. To Sheldon, it was as good a date as any, and in fact, he would argue it was better.

He could hear her breathing on the other end of the phone, and then, after a heavy sigh, Amy said, "Sheldon... I loved our movie night and all our sessions, but there comes a time that a person might need real physical contact."

"I don't. I never did, and I am doing just fine. What we have is good enough for me."

"I know that. I know it's perfect for you and I would never ask you to change it."

Sheldon returned to the couch to sit for a moment as the kettle boiled. "Good. I am glad we can put all this nonsense behind us." He leaned back in his spot and let out a relaxed sigh.

"However..."

He sat up and asked nervously, "However what?"

"It might not be enough for me...I now think I may need more." Amy's quiet voice was barely audible over the whistle of the kettle.

"MORE!?" Sheldon ran to the kitchen to remove the kettle but his voice stayed at the same level, "How much more could you possible need?"

"I don't know, Sheldon. I am not asking you..."

Sheldon cut off anything she had to say with a cry. "We do physical things...?" Sheldon cupped the phone whispering, even though he was in the apartment alone. "Need I remind you of last Thursday evening?"

"You do not. Not at all."

Sheldon could have sworn if blushing was audible, he heard it on the line. He smiled with pride as he filled his tea cup with hot water. He imagined her flushed face would match the red hue of the tea steeping in his cup. "But..."

Sheldon stopped dunking his tea bag and let out a sigh, "But what?"

"Those are things we do by ourselves."

Sheldon said nothing and started to dunk his teabag again, but more vigorously. Amy finally said, "Sheldon..." She stopped for a moment and drew in a long breath, "I am not asking you do anything or make ANY changes whatsoever. I like how we are."

Sheldon's shoulders relaxed, "So nothing changes?"

"I'll make sure of it."

Sheldon took his tea and sat back in his spot on the couch. He had had enough of changes this week: Leonard moving, changes in his shopping days, no jujubes at the movies and now this hootenanny. It was too much.

"How... um... are you going to find these people you will date? More weddings with handsy men who grab your posterior?"

"I don't know. I thought it would be great if you could screen dates before you try them. I've tried dating sites, but those are..."

"Nothing but hokum! They prey on the desperate."

"That is true. I have heard of a place where you can date 20 men at once."

"Yeah, it's called a brothel!"

"No, Sheldon. I think I should try this circuit dating I've heard of recently. Seems efficient and by luck, there is one close to this coffee shop I've been to before. Your dates only last 10 minutes and then you go to the next person. Seems perfect. I can be done with my annual obligation for my mother and get this out of my system."

Sheldon calmed when she said getting it out of her system. Sheldon suggested, "So like an experiment?"

"Yes, just like that."

"If it's truly an experiment, then you need to collect data on all your dates so we can scrutinize each one through a rigor-"

"Sheldon, I'm going to do this on my own. You don't need to be involved. It would violate our friendship agreement."

Sheldon had a familiar feeling of being left out, like his sister's sleepovers, or his father's football game nights with his friends. He shoved the feeling of abandonment down like the hot liquid burning his throat and said, "Fine...I think that might be an acceptable means to appease your mother. And it sounds efficient, but can you really know everything about a person in ten minutes?"

"I don't need to know everything, just enough to know they aren't a louse or worse, an Art History major."

Sheldon sipped his tea, "Well, I think if I was ever in need of a date then that would seem to be an efficient method. Good thing I am content to rely on my own sparkling personality to entertain my evenings. Some days, the best conversations are the ones I have in my own head."

"Some days, the best conversations I have are with you."

"Agreed." Sheldon sipped his red zinger wishing now he had picked chamomile. His hands were shaking and his jaw tensed up. "Now, do you wish to continue with our session later, or are you too busy doing makeup tutorials and the like."

"I would like to continue as if nothing changes. I will call you back at nine PM."

Sheldon hung up then reviewed the evening's scenario.

He had crafted a brilliant session which included a Princess Leah costume and Han Solo emerging from Carbonite, but as Sheldon tried to mentally and physically prepare, he decided to scrap the whole script. He had a new plot he wanted to try.

Amy called at exactly 9:00 PM.

"Okay Amy... You are trapped in a dungeon under a library, tied up with a ball and chain."

"Oooh. Bondage, how exciting. How bold! How-"

"You also have your mouth gagged. Now... May I continue?"

Amy mumbled, "Um uh..."

Sheldon continued his story, however during the session, he kept imaging Amy with different men, each one enamored by her wit, her beauty and most of all, her mind. He had to save her three times from would be stalkers and ner'er-do-wells intent on trapping her in the cookbook section of the library. Amy loved the complicated plot and story line.

Breathless, she said, "I must say, I do love your possessiveness in this fantasy."

"Yes, fantasy... sure. Now, come with me to this part of the library so I can show you what a real scholar can do."

They escaped and made love on a stack of science books. He told her every place on her soft body he would kiss, covet, and cherish all while Amy moaned out. He wouldn't let her climax until the appropriate time, one of his choosing.

"Not yet, Amy. Keep going."

"I can't." She whimpered, but her ragged breath told him that at that moment he controlled her, he was in charge. He loved knowing she trusted him, with every synapse in her body, she trusted him. She made him feel that he could do anything, and it would be okay. She would never think of him as less than perfect. He would never disappoint her.

"You will. Now, touch yourself again, in this order. Do precisely what I say."

"Yes, Sheldon." She moaned as she followed his precise instructions.

When Amy climaxed, he insisted she continue, repeating the action. Over an hour later, Amy's husky voice begged him to stop. He agreed.

Sheldon, with a smug satisfied voice said proudly, "I doubt your dates would be so... detailed."

"I should hope not, for my sake and my neighbors." Amy said, in a soft voice, "Good night, Sheldon."

Sheldon readied himself for bed, but stared at the ceiling for hours before he was able to fall asleep.

The next day, Friday, Sheldon invited Raj over to his apartment to get some information about circuit dating. As they ate pizza and sipped on grape nehi soda, Raj filled Sheldon in on his experience of circuit dating.

"It was a bust."

"Oh, thank god." Sheldon blurted out.

"What? I thought you wanted to try this out? Leonard said you've been moody and lonely."

"I am not moody or lonely, I just need to prove that whole process is a farce."

Raj melted in his chair, "I hoped you were going to give it a go, perhaps you would finally find your special someone. I mean if Sheldon Cooper could find true love, there would be hope for all of us."

"Love? Ha!" Sheldon laughed and started to peel the label off his soda bottle. As he fidgeted, he said with certainty, "True love is an idea based on false expectations, and eventually leads to disappointment and a distraction from pure logic and reason. It's just brain funny juice and false hope, and more importantly, there is no hope for anyone to find a person based on a 10-minute short conversation. It's just a colossal waste of time."

"Well, that sounds like my dating experience for sure." Raj stopped and cocked his head in confusion, "So... why are you doing this?"

"I have to stop a very special person from making the biggest mistake of her life. So as long as I am breathing, I'll make sure she doesn't find happiness with anyone else!" Sheldon slammed down his grape soda on the coffee table. "So spill it, Koothrappali!"

"Easy... Okay... Well the whole experience was wonderful at first. I had fun talking to the women who, for once...had to talk back to me. I had a real connection with one of the women, so much so that I didn't want to leave when the timer was up. She was beautiful, and a talented baker. Best of all, she loved scrapbooking for her dog as much I do. She had the kind of eyes that make you want to be better, you know?"

Sheldon didn't know, but let Raj continue.

"But, as with all the women who seem perfect at first, she never returned my email so I gave up. That's when I decided to give in and ask my parents to find me a bride. But even that experience was a waste of time." Raj told Sheldon Misha had returned to India to pursue her dream of mushroom farming. The wedding was off. "Maybe, as you say, it's all just brain funny juice and false hope."

Raj shook his head despondently and set to help Sheldon with his quest. There were over six speed dating events in the Los Angeles area scheduled for the next week, but Sheldon had a good idea which one Amy would be attending based on the clues she had unknowingly given him.

Raj helped him sign up for the relevant dating site. They asked for limited information to protect the anonymity of the person involved and to prevent ne're-do-wells or would-be stalkers from pestering the patrons.

He had to show up at the Pasadena Hilton at 6:30 for registration on February 29th. And since Raj's latest fiancée had decided to go back to India to pursue her fungus obsession and not get married, he had agreed to accompany Sheldon. Raj leaned back in his chair and said with a sigh, "Who knows, maybe you will find someone who makes you feel special. Makes you feel like you can do anything, be anything. Everything clicks when you're with her. A woman like that, you'd never want to let her go."

"Already got one of those." Sheldon raised his bottle to Raj and finished off the last of his grape nehi.


	15. Chapter 15: All Circuits are Busy Now

**Sheldon:**

Sheldon sat uncomfortably in the car during the ride over to Pasadena Hilton, sweating in his new brown striped dress shirt that Raj had insisted he wore.

"I would have been much more comfortable in my normal attire."

"You need to impress the ladies, and nothing says impress like new clothes." Raj pulled into the parking garage, and then placed the car in park. He adjusted Sheldon's tie and said, "You have to dress up for dates. It's a must."

"Reason 72 why dating is a waste of time."

"You really should have gone on that blind date that Howard and I planned for you. You could have met the love of your life in a coffee shop." Raj nudged him, but Sheldon shrugged it off. This issue had long been put to bed; dirty sock or no, Sheldon never would have gone on a blind date.

"From a dating site? Pure hokum." Sheldon laughed. Raj was a romantic fool. No wonder he had been single for so long, he tried too hard. "The perfect mate is a myth. The sooner you realize that the better."

They rode the escalator to the second floor of the hotel. A crowd had already formed at the entrance to one of the convention rooms. Sheldon's senses were heightened as he hunted the crowd for anyone who might pass as Amy. He hoped his Vulcan hearing would recognize her voice, but her soft tones were drowned in the hubbub of the mass of people ahead of them.

The dimly lit room had over 20 small tables set up in a rectangular grid pattern. Sheldon, much to his irritation, was instructed by the bubbly attendant that the men would be the ones moving from table to table rather than the women, who would remain seated.

Following a 10-minute lecture on sexism and the equal rights amendment Sheldon could not resist adding, "You know, the pre-copulatory harassment rate by antelope females in estrus against their antelope male counterparts were significantly higher than the non-agitated group. Is this why you chose to agitate the males in this mating ritual? I only hope I am not expected to emulate the antelopes and duel for territory." He had just spoken to Amy about this very subject of herding animals and mating however, the host seemed just as unimpressed as Amy was.

The exasperated host told Sheldon he just needed to move the next table in an unsystematic order and handed him his badge and the list of numbers for his 'dates'.

The bubbly host's smile dropped as she turned to Raj with the warning, "Make sure he doesn't disturb the flock."

Sheldon was about to point out that it would have been much more efficient to put the table numbers in order, rather than the slapdash affair of randomization, but Raj pulled him away before they were kicked out.

His mind returned to the antelopes as he followed the herd, and looking around the room at the dating participants he thought he really should have thought this plan through more carefully. Not only would he be subjected to precious wasted hours of hum drum chit chat that would bore even Leonard, but he had not factored in the desperation of some of his work colleagues; so many of whom were in attendance, that its seemed like a science department meeting.

Sheldon approached Female number 5, his first appointment for the night, a rather fetching young grad student who Sheldon knew all too well.

"Dr. Cooper. What are you doing here?" Alex, Sheldon's research assistant was already breaking the rules by addressing Sheldon by his name. But he wasn't surprised; she had long left Sheldon's employ to pursue her Post grad work, but when she had worked for him, she hadn't adhered to any rules.

"No names, Alex, I mean female number 5. I knew you were bad at taking instructions, but I didn't think even you would break the confidentiality of the 'dater' slash, 'desperate dater' paradigm."

Alex sat back in her chair, and crossed her arms, with a smug grin, "Oh, I see and I think I know which one we can classify you as, yes?"

"Well, I am not really a dater so much as... well...um... a researcher. I am dabbling in the social sciences, keeps the mind fresh... What's life without frivolity? But what are you doing here culling out a mate from this lot? Isn't this event a complete waste of your time?"

Alex blushed, "Oh thank you, I guess you are right, I shouldn't need to go one of these events, it's just..."

"No, I don't mean that. Shouldn't you be rewriting that grant you submitted last month? Those spreadsheets need work."

Alex took a deep breath, "Well, thank you for reading it… I guess… I do have good practice from completing your bathroom logs. Thanks for that by the way... Dr.. I'm mean..." Alex looked at Sheldon's name tag, "Really? Mr. Fantastic?"

"Yes... having to put up with these tedious conversations will indeed be a _stretch_... Get it... _Stretch_?" Sheldon snickered but Alex just crossed her arms, "Okay... well, I see someone missed the Fantastic Four movie."

Alex scoffed as she took a sip off her drink, "I heard it was terrible."

Sheldon sat back in amazement that his seemingly ignorant grad student had been astute enough to avoid the movie, "You know what, female number 5, I think there might be hope for you after all. Heads up, I think Kripke has the table next."

The bells rang just as Alex looked in horror at Barry Kripke's leer from across the room. Sheldon didn't bother saying good-bye just a quick assignment for his former assistant, "Oh, I may have forgotten to mention, I still need the bowel movements categorized by consistency in relation to my previous dinner schedule. Cruciferous vegetable night did not go as planned."

"I don't work for you anymore-"

"Never leave a job undone."

Alex just slumped her shoulders and gave a half-smile, but Sheldon was already seated at his next date, a stunning Indian-American woman. He took one look at her ebony hair, perfect jawline and ruby red lips and was struck by two things: One her accent gave away that she was definitely NOT Amy, and two she looked exactly like Princess Punjali. However, her likeness to the fictional princess was short-lived. He spent the short date hearing all about dental hygiene and how her archaic family obligations were forcing her to date.

"I see the regulars are at it again." She nodded over to Kripke who ducked his head down to avoid her smile. "This is my third time trying speed dating."

"Well... romantic love as the basis for marriage has only existed since the nineteenth century. Up until then, arranged marriages were the norm, and it served society quite well. Besides, given the fact that you have dated," Sheldon looked around the room and did a quick calculation, "Over 80 men..."

The woman snorted at the suggestion, and sipped her drink with defiance, "I have not dated 80 men!"

"I beg to differ. You said you participated in three other speed dating events. Given the number of tables, simple math really 20 times 3 less 10 for average repeat attendees, such yourself and..." here Sheldon nodded towards Kripke. Then with a considered look at the embodiment of Princess Punjali he added, "Given your apparent age and social standing... I'd say let your parents have a crack at it. Doesn't look like you have been hitting any home runs under your own steam."

In a huff, the woman stood up almost knocking the table over, Sheldon rose to meet her not as a gentleman, but to correct her social error, "Oh I think you are confused, it's the men who must rotate."

"Rotate on this pal!" The woman held up her middle finger to Sheldon, and he looked away as he quickly moved to the next date.

Sheldon perused the crowd, listening for the voice he had heard on the phone over the last few months. Though he had no idea what she looked like, he had an image in his mind that he couldn't explain.

She had to be brunette; he was sure of it for no other reason than his own desire and his fantasies of her always had brown hair, long chocolate brown hair held up with chopsticks. Sheldon's pleasant thoughts were rudely interrupted.

"Hello Dumbass. What the hell are you doing here?" Leslie Winkle's smug grin only served to enrage and discourage Sheldon simultaneously as he tried to maintain his composure.

"None of your beeswax! But if you must know, I'm looking for someone."

"Well, I have to say, I never thought I would see the day Captain dumbass would be so desperate to go on circuit dating."

"It's Doctor dumbass to you, and I should point out that you're on this desperate merry go round, too missy!"

Leslie melted in her chair, "Yeah. And the worst part is, I still have to spend 10 minutes in conversation Kripke, and Raj."

Sheldon shrugged and said flatly, "Well, you could go home."

"I think you're right." Leslie got up and left before the bell rang.

It was at this point that the attendant asked Sheldon not to scare off any more guests or he would be the one leaving. He agreed only because he hadn't found Amy yet. The next woman was pleasant enough. A round-faced girl with a rather lovely pair of eyes; but the poodle shaped earrings were a turn off for Sheldon. She smelled of buttercream frosting, however before Sheldon could say hello, her attention was drawn across the room.

"Hey... Um... Dr.. Fan. Tell me, did you arrive with that man over there. With the caramel skin and perfect smile..." She pointed to Raj who couldn't take his eyes of her. She blushed and returned her attention to Sheldon, "I met him last year, I tried to email him, but the email bounced and the dating place said they couldn't give up his information."

Sheldon nodded back to Raj and said, "He is always looking for love in these places. He just told me a story of some baker that he fell madly in love with and... Oh.. wait a minute." Sheldon leaned in and asked, "Tell me..." Sheldon said, "Do you enjoy completing scrapbooks about your pet?"

She nodded, "Did he really say, love?" She asked with eager brown eyes begging for an answer. Though Sheldon may not believe in true love, who's to say Raj couldn't take another bite at the apple.

"He did say love. But he always does, so be careful. He is Dr. Rajesh Koothrapali. Email is Dr-to-the-stars . Phone is 818-555-6548. He is very well off, a good Warriors of Ka'ah player and extremely single."

The woman grabbed her purse searching for a pen. As she scribbled his name and information on a napkin, Sheldon leaned over, and said in a low voice, "He is one of my best friends, and I would appreciate it if you didn't cause him any undo harm or therapy bills. He can only get so many dogs named after spices before it becomes a problem. Good night."

Sheldon moved to the next table and gave a halfhearted smile to the next date, a statuesque blond with short hair, pleasant smile and full lips. Her sparkling eyes tracked his every movement like a cat as she rattled off her resume and interests. Words like Klingon, Sand script, atomic decay all flooded the one-sided conversation, but Sheldon's attention was elsewhere. His Vulcan hearing was set on the brunette at the next table. Her voice had a familiar husky timbre and what he could catch about organic chemistry and neuroscience seemed dazzling. She looked just like the stunning woman at the Cal-Tech conference, only more beautiful.

The blond woman was still trying to catch Sheldon's attention, "I do love flags, I must say. I know most people don't find them fascinating, but I do. Not as much as I love comic books. I mean, I have a small collection, just around 300 from the early sixties, but they are all mint. I think my Flash 123 is my favorite. Do you like comics?"

"Oh um... sure... I love flags..." Sheldon took a sip of his drink and leaned toward the brunette who noticed his stares.

She smiled at him for a moment and pulled her hair behind her ear, before returning her attention to the tall man seated across from her. Sheldon recognized him as the chemist he had met at a conference recently. He must have been over 6'5 tall and Sheldon remembered how the women had swooned over the chemist's British accent. Sheldon had been unsurprised that the chemist seemed to know all about Sheldon's work, however, at the moment all of the English man's focus was on his date who seemed to be darting her attention between him and Sheldon who couldn't stop looking at her.

Finally, the bell rang, and Sheldon jumped to take the chair offered by the tall giant from the foreign land.

"Here you are, sir. Kept it warm for you." He held out the chair for Sheldon, who couldn't be bothered to look at him. "This one is a delight." The man smiled at Amy, but his smile broadened when he looked at Sheldon, "Dr., if you have the time, I'd love to discuss..."

Sheldon cut him off, "I doubt I will, besides, the men rotate, so please do so, thank you." Sheldon finally sat down and faced the woman, who was gingerly sipping on a mixed drink with an umbrella in it and a large piece of pineapple. The cherry was already gone, but the stem had been twisted in a knot, lying on the napkin.

She had strong features, a pointed chin, high cheekbones and piercing green eyes with flecks of light green like peridotite set in jade. Her long straight brown hair was parted in the middle and had an unusual shine, like oil on a muddy river or a duck. She wore a flowered dress with ruffles round the neck that hid her name tag. The most appealing quality was her smile, that lit up her face, which Sheldon happily returned. If this woman wasn't Amy, he would be sorely disappointed.

"Hello." She licked the remnants of the drink off her lips. She had that throaty voice, just like his Amy. Sheldon couldn't speak. He couldn't ruin the moment, but he hoped she would speak again.

She giggled as she said, "A doctor, huh? Usually, doctors don't have too much trouble finding dates. Especially one who advertises himself as Fantastic."

Sheldon was taken back by the challenge and the slight smirk on the woman's mouth, so he said to defend himself, "I don't have any trouble finding dates."

"Oh really, then why are you here at this outdated, albeit efficient mating ritual that's akin to a human self-service counter?"

"I'm looking for a special someone." He said with a smile.

He found her. It had to be Amy. She cocked her head, with a slight frown as if of recognition, but it hadn't registered yet.

"I think this is hardly the place to find a soul mate, if one believed in such... if you don't mind the language...Malarkey." She lifted her glass, "But it could be the virgin Cuba libre I'm drinking."

"Strong words, but..." Sheldon's rapid breath held back a laugh, and he said, "I think I understand the African Kudu, whose social structure dictates that other than the mating season, the beasts spend their time with bachelor groups while the females stay in their herds."

Her eyes lit up, "I've just read a paper on that very subject, in fact, I was just talking about it with my friend..." Her voice trailed off.

Sheldon's mouth curled in a grin as he saw her eyes widen.

"It's you! Why? What are you doing here!? How did you know where it was?" Amy whispered, if a shout could be considered a whisper. She leaned across the table and cupped her hands around her mouth as if to shield her words, but those at other tables nearby had noticed her tone as did Sheldon. He just smiled and smugly took a drink of his water.

"It was a simple deduction. You see, you mentioned that you were going on a circuit dating event this weekend."

"I never told you I was doing this exact one!"

"Yes you did. You mentioned it on Thursday, and I quote, "I think dating takes too much time. I should try this circuit dating I've heard of recently. Seems efficient and by luck there is one close to a coffee shop I've been to before." You forgot that the only coffee shop you have ever been to was the one where you lost your phone."

"How could you know that?"

"I've asked you if drank coffee, and you said, only at home. Hence you do not drink coffee when you are out. Therefore your mention of a coffee shop would have to be one that you are familiar with, I deduced it would have to be the coffee shop on Lake and Eagle Rock Blvd and took a gamble." Sheldon sat back and crossed his arms, content with his conclusion. However, Amy's frown told him his detective skills were not welcome.

"You said I had to beware of stalkers, but you never said you'd be one!" Her voice reinforced the message he was getting from her facial expression.

Sheldon had expected a warm welcome, possibly an embrace and though he wasn't quite ready for the physical contact, he had mentally prepared himself for any form her pleased reaction would take. She might try and hold his hand, or hug him, and he would lean into it in an attempt to placate her needs while preserving his personal space, he might go so far as to pat her gently on the back. Perhaps she would attempt to kiss him on the cheek or even perhaps on the lips. He doubted that she would be so bold, but he had to be prepared for anything. What he had not prepared himself for was the glaring daggers of anger that were flying across the table.

With a jolt, Amy stood up and glared down at him from the unusual vantage of height her raised position suddenly gave her. In a pained voice she spat out at him, "How could you ruin everything?!" Then without another word, she ran from the room.

The host came to the table, she had finally had enough of Sheldon's antics, "Okay buddy, you're gone. HANK! Escort this guy out."

A rather large man with forearms like 75mm guns came toward him, but Sheldon was already rushing after Amy. His long legs quickly traversed the distance and he caught her just as she exited the ballroom.

He grabbed her arm, but she pulled it out of his grip spinning to face him. He jumped back and barked, "What is your problem?"

"MY PROBLEM? You're the one who has ruined everything! How could you break our pact without even consulting me? We had an agreement! No personal information, no physical contact!"

"It's you who wanted physical contact! You were the one going on and on about meeting someone! Some other man who would woo you into his bed!"

Amy looked around as if worried that someone could hear their conversation. She must have decided she didn't care, because she shouted at him, "What are you talking about? I said I might want to date! What's wrong with that!?"

"What's wrong with that is that this mystery date would not be a one-time thing. You'd go on date after date, and then maybe you'd invite him for dinner at your house. Maybe cook him that spaghetti dinner you raved about! He'd be with you, maybe on your couch, one thing would lead to another, and before you know it, you'd be in a relationship!"

"Even if I was, what does that have to do with you!? You don't want that, you've stated it numerous times. Why can't I date and we still keep up our communications?" Amy put her hands on her face and cried out, "Why did you come here? Why did you ruin everything!?"

" **You** ruined it with all this talk of finding someone to placate your need for physical contact. I have no doubt that you will find someone. Anyone of these men would be clamoring to be with you. Then what? How do you explain us? I have this man I speak to everyday, who knows my every thought and desire, but you sir are just a boy toy. Nothing more than a walking..."

Amy pointed at his face and spat out, "Don't you say it!"

"Fine...You just want your endocrine system awash with hormones from just anyone who will look at your pretty face! You'd think any date of yours would put up with our constant texting, our late-night calls, our..." Sheldon leaned in and whispered, "...our... sessions?"

Amy pushed him away and said, "I don't see why not! If I did date, my friends come with the package. I am who I am. I guess you forgot that when you ruined what we had by showing your face here!"

"You're the one who ruined it by craving physical contact! You said nothing would change. But you know it would! We were just fine without it, but no... you had to go out and find some man just to feel good about yourself for your own selfish need for physical contact."

Sheldon could see Amy's face tense up every muscle. Her eyes narrowed at him, and she said slowly, "What is so wrong with that? Am I not worth being held or even kissed?"

"You are worth more than that. If that is all you want, then fine! Here!" Suddenly Sheldon leaned into her small frame and placed his lips on hers. It was an angry gesture. He had to get her to see that it didn't mean anything. It was just two people's 34 facial muscles merged together nothing else. She would see that that was all it was.

But slowly as he moved his lips around hers, all the scents and sounds around him seemed to disappear. He had the sensation of falling and being caught at the same time. He knew it was just a passing sensation. He knew it would fade, but it didn't; the overpowering feeling grew, along with his desire to continue to kiss her, to hold her. Sheldon had seen films, read books, he thought he knew all there was to know about kissing, except he realized, his own reaction to it. That he wasn't prepared for, and it frightened him.

He pulled away, not realizing that his hands had found their way to her hips or his entire body was pressed against hers. Sheldon's eyes were focused on her lips and he slowly stepped back in shock as he processed the action; cataloging the feeling that was surging through him. Amy was breathless, but a gentle smile had formed on her soft lips. Her eyes glistened as she took a step closer to him and leaned forward to kiss him again.

Then as she saw his face, her expression froze and her smile began to melt. His eyes flickered in confusion, as she backed away. She took a deep breath and her lips trembled as she turned her face to the floor. Sheldon could only see the top of her head as she spoke to him.

"Sheldon, this is why I would never dream of asking you to be in a physical relationship with me." She forced her head up to look him in the eyes that still housed confusion from his own actions. "This right now, this disdain, and this fear I see on your face. Why would I ever want to put you through that? For what, like you said, my own selfish need for physical contact." He wanted nothing more than to reach out for her but he couldn't make his body carry out the action.

"I knew this would happen." Amy put her hands on her face, it felt as if her head were about to explode. "This is what I wanted to avoid. You didn't need to know about any of this. I would have kept you as my special friend. Do I want more from you? Of course, I do. I want that more than anything and I have done for some time now, but I have kept it hidden."

"You lied to me?"

"I protected you, because..." Amy reached down and grabbed Sheldon's hand. He allowed the action but was confused by it. His reaction to the kiss confused him, the feeling he had when he felt her body close to him confused him, but her next words confused him the most:

"I want you to be the one who takes my hand, holds me at night or kisses me in the morning when I wake up. I know this sounds far-fetched, even crazy, but in the time we have known each other, I've..."

Amy caught her breath and Sheldon stepped closer, but she backed away and put her hand up warding him off.

"I know you don't want this... Physical contact, a relationship? You don't want a relationship with me. Sure...I could ask you for one, and play off your need for companionship or even your need for closure. The matter would be closed, I would be your girlfriend, and you wouldn't have to worry anymore. But I would always want more, and you could never give it. I want a boyfriend who will take me on dates, hold my hand, want to be with me when I am sad, and hold me at night when I am alone and afraid. I want everything that you don't. Why would I put a person I care for, through that? I would never do that to you. If you care enough about someone, you put their needs above your own and what I need, you can't give."

Amy let go of Sheldon's hand and held tightly onto the strap of her purse as if for strength. "Sheldon I don't even know your last name, yet I know you enough to know your desires, your needs and wants... and I know you don't want this."

He was frozen as he watched her slowly disappear down the escalator stairs.

Finally, he found his voice and said in a whisper to the empty hallway, "But I love you."


	16. Chapter 16: Voicemail Full

_**Sheldon:** _

Sheldon stood outside the ballroom door trying to process his confusion. His lips were dry from his attempt to recapture the feeling of her lips. What had made her so angry? She must have been shocked at his kiss. Yet she had said she wanted physical contact. But to kiss her like that, he never should have done that. That must be why she was so upset.

Back in the ballroom, he saw Raj and the baker giggling over their phones as they exchanged numbers. Alex seemed to have captured the English giant's attention, though Sheldon could not understand why they were both be looking in his direction, and even Kripke was chatting up the tall blonde woman. Everyone seemed to have found a special one and Sheldon had just seen the ground swallow his up.

He smiled as he remembered how her eyes had looked after he had kissed her, but the smile quickly faded when he recalled how her face had changed. He knew from their conversations that she didn't hold back when it came to voicing her opinion and tonight was no different. He thought back to her blazing face and flinted gaze. He had told Raj earlier that he would not need a lift home that evening as he had hoped that Amy would have offered to give him a ride. But he shuddered when he remembered how she had snapped at him like an angry turtle, perhaps it was best that she didn't drive him home. Sheldon wouldn't have wanted to ride shotgun with a distraught driver, no matter how interesting she was, or how much he was dying to stare at her.

Sheldon took an Uber from the hotel. With traffic, it had taken almost 45 minutes before he finally arrived home. He made the decision not contact her straight away, but give her time to get her misfired hormones in check. So he avoided texting her in the car, the hallway, the stairwell and when he finally unlocked his door, he still resisted.

As he entered the apartment he reached for his phone, surely she would be home by now, and would have had plenty of time to cool down. Unfortunately, it was at this point that his actions were interrupted by his nosey neighbor. Sheldon had just sat down on the couch when Penny bust through the door. Her hair was up in a loose bun and her off-putting dirty sweatshirt told Sheldon that they been packing for the move all day.

"Where have you been? We've been waiting for you to finish helping with the moving."

Sheldon, should have come up with a plausible lie, but exhausted from the evening's trauma, he gave Penny fuel for her fire. "I went on date, well, more than one actually-"

Penny's angry tirade ceased as if she had hit a brick wall only to be replaced by a stream of rapid-fire questions, "A DATE!? What the hell! Who is she? What's her name?"

"I have not received confirmation that I am allowed to reveal her identity." Sheldon shifted in his spot uncomfortably and then stood up in an effort to escape Penny's interrogation. "I'm sure you have better things to do tonight. Don't you move tomorrow?"

"Exactly! You have to tell me now, before I move out...so, be like Exxon and spill it!"

"I don't want to talk about it." Sheldon darted around his apartment like a movie star avoiding the paparazzi as he tried to make a cup of tea, but Penny wouldn't let up with her questions: What did she look like, what did she wear, and for some odd reason, what had she smelled like. Sheldon knew answers to these questions; including the clean aroma of milk and papaya shampoo wafting from Amy's hair, but based on her reaction to his appearance at the event, he felt that he had better keep his mouth shut.

Penny's third degree was finally interrupted by Leonard, who had come in search of her. "Penny, he's not going to tell you a thing, and we still have to pack the closet!"

Penny turned to leave, but not before she pointed at Sheldon, "Okay, after you help us move tomorrow, I hear EVERYTHING. I mean every detail!"

"I'll miss your humor most of all, Penny." Sheldon shook his head. "Help you move. What a jokester."

It was now coming up to 9 PM and it had been over an hour since he had last seen Amy. She must have "cooled her jets" by now. He made his way to his room and shot off a quick text to Amy before changing for bed.

_"I am home. This is our evening check in text."_

An opening volley, Sheldon thought. It was her move, but nothing came back.

_"I wonder why you have not called. I am not sure if you got home safely."_

He waited while staring at his phone, but nothing, so he texted again, " _I know you are angry with me, but I did nothing wrong. How do you know I did not want to try that event myself? So I really think your over the top reaction was uncalled for."_

Sheldon hit send and waited. Nothing. Amy really had no business being upset. However, he did break their contract agreement, so he had some culpability. He re-read his text and sent a voice mail:

"Okay, I might have some idea why you might be mad. But in my defense, I was curious. You know that I am scientist, so curiosity goes with the job description. Surely a meeting should have been expected at some point in our relationship. I just moved up the time line... slightly."

Still nothing.

"You're reaction is overblown. We can still communicate as you wish. Nothing need change, regardless of your insistence that it will. I am the same person I was tonight or yesterday or six months ago when I found your phone. It was you who required this anonymity. Unlike me, you don't have an eidetic memory, so you can forget what I look like, that is the only thing that has changed. Just forget my face. Besides, what does it matter?"

He threw the phone on the end of his bed and curled up on his side. He waited for five minutes, but there was still no reply so he tried texting again.

_"I think you are being puerile. This spat is nothing. We don't have to act any differently. This just proves what we already discovered. The best relationships do not require a physical component. You will see, it will be fine. Everything will be fine. Congratulations on a successful conclusion of our experiment."_

He held his phone with both hands, and closed his eyes in a futile attempt to try to will her to respond. When this did not succeed, he peeked one eye open and wrote, _"You should respond to conclude our study."_

Why was she not replying? She was already in bed, that was it. She must be exhausted from the evening's events just as he was.

He covered himself with his blanket and before closing his eyes, he wrote, _"I bet you are sleeping. I will try again in the morning. Until then, I think the word of the day should be rapprochement. I look forward to seeing your response and will text you in the morning."_

Sheldon placed his phone within reach on the nightstand but he worried if she texted him, he might not hear it. So, he put the phone on the pillow next to his face and finally fell asleep curled up holding the phone in his hand.

The next morning, he woke up in a panic. His phone had shifted and fallen under the bed. He jumped up, and with all his strength, moved the bed over. It was a strain, but thankfully he managed to get his phone which was undamaged. His relief was however short-lived when he unlocked it and found he no messages or calls from Amy. Undeterred, he sent a quick text before seeing to his morning ablations:

_"Good Morning, I trust you slept well. Since you have not responded to my word of the day, I will be the first to initiate a sentence. "After a puerile argument Amy decided the only course of action for the possibility of a rapprochement was for her to write to Sheldon." I hope you realize that the choice of 'puerile' might have been more appropriate word for the day, but in the spirit of rapprochement, I choose rapprochement."_

After his shower, he willed himself to dress before checking his phone again. Seeing no message from Amy he sent:

_"I'm sure you had a terrible time at the circuit dating, which I must point out, I said would occur."_

" _I know meeting people is upsetting, which I am sure is why you haven't returned my texts. But you will get used to the discomfort of meeting people in a large setting. It took me a while, but now I can even tolerate almost six people at the same table."_

_"Seven if you count me."_

Breakfast was tiresome constantly being interrupted by the loud noises from the hall outside. He had nearly forgotten that this morning was Penny and Leonard's moving day.

He opened the door to find two large burly men huffing down the stairs while carrying Penny's couch, so he quickly shut the door and returned to his cereal.

Leonard and Penny entered the apartment a short time later and before Penny could open her mouth, he preempted any further demands for information that might be issued from his inquisitive neighbor.

"To answer any questions you may have: Yes, I had a date. Yes, she is pretty. I don't want to answer if we kissed or not... Yes it was with the person I had been speaking to for months. Yes, she is a real woman, and no..." Sheldon paused at the next answer, but said softly, "No... I have no plans to see her again. Now, before you start rattling off another 20 questions, let me have my fruity pebbles in peace. It's going to be a long day."

"Why aren't you going to see to her again?"

"My relationship with Ms. Moxie will return to normal. This was a social experiment to see if we needed to have physical contact, and it failed. This is perfect. It proves that a healthy relationship doesn't need physical presence. We're fine. Just fine."

Sheldon dove into his sugary cereal ignoring Penny and Leonard's long looks at each other that they always assumed Sheldon never saw. He did, he knew the look all too well. His mother and father had the same unspoken language of long looks, deep sighs and concerned lip biting while questioning him with a tone that was partly genuine concern but mostly judgmental. They didn't have to say a word, but their looks were deafening.

"Obviously, I am doing quite well and I urge you to keep a close eye on your movers." Just as Sheldon spoke, they all jumped as a large crash shattered the silence followed by an expletive.

"MY GLASSES!" Penny ran out of 4A and down the stairs to the movers. Leonard put his hand on Sheldon's shoulder.

"You'll come over later this week, right? Just to see the place?" When he did not receive a response he added, "Or at least come to our housewarming next week?"

With a mouth full of cereal, Sheldon smiled and gave him a thumbs up. When Leonard followed Penny out of the apartment, Sheldon put his bowl in the sink and continued to text Ms. Moxie as if nothing was wrong. No reply.

Sheldon left one message, then another quickly explaining the first message, and then another so by that evening, his throat ached and his brain felt numb.

"It's Sheldon again. I hope nothing has happened to your phone, but since I am still able to leave these messages, and no Good Samaritan has answered my calls, I am assuming you have not lost it. We should have given each other our Apple Id's so we could do 'find my phone'. That way I could track it. You should do that for me as well. Here is my Id so you can see I am at my home in Pasadena. Waiting for your call."

"Have you lost your phone again or are you still in a snit?"

"I was going to give you my time-honored secret to a perfect ratio of fabric softener to soap ratio, but I am not feeling generous. I guess you feel the same."

"If you are on another date, perhaps you can keep your phone safely in your purse, so as not to lose it again."

"If you're on a date, I hope he realizes you'll be busy every Thursday."

Sheldon looked at the calendar on his phone and then sent off another voicemail before he could stop himself:

"Given the calendar, it is no wonder you are acting this way. Perhaps I should check back in a week when you're done shedding your uterine lining and quit "flying the Japanese Flag" so to speak. "

"Maybe then you would be more forgiving! Speaking of flags, you are going to miss my new flag show tomorrow. I thought you'd like to see it but given your attitude, maybe it's for the best!"

Thanks to the debacle of the previous day, Sheldon's laundry routine had been delayed. He folded his one-day late laundry in a huff and stomped up the stairs. When he reached his room, he threw the basket on the bed and the carefully folded shirt tumbled out. Instead of cleaning up the pile, he pulled out his phone and sent off a text:

_"This is malarkey. It's been over 24 hours. Surely you should be over your over reaction by now! If I knew you had such a temper, I never would have agreed to this friendship without a shield."_

Sheldon gave it one minute, but nothing. He typed off the next message with the speed of a teenager:

_"Maybe Newton should have a new law: For every male action, it seems there is an equal and opposite female over-reaction!"_

_"Maybe we should rethink this relationship after all if this is how you handle disagreements. I am deleting all your articles. I have already read them, so I don't need them anymore. Also, all those pictures of your dental floss knitting projects, I am deleting them as well. I need space on my phone for other people in my life who actually answer the phone or return a text. My real friends who respond when I have sent over 56 messages to them."_

Sheldon put his phone down and went to his lap top. He frantically deleted every article she had forwarded to him. Every file, every gif, every pdf, or link. _Delete_ was strong word. He threw every byte of information from Ms. Moxie in a folder and labeled it "irrational one." He sat back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest glowered at the screen.

Suddenly a sound alerted him; a tone from his bedroom. He couldn't be sure but it sounded like her ring tone. He leaped out of his chair and rushed down the hall, sliding on his stocking feet into the hallway wall. He pushed his door open and jumped to the bed to find his phone. His shoulders slumped when he realized what it was: It was his monthly alert to call Ms. Moxie and remind her to take a hot bath, have hot chocolate and watch her favorite show.

She had told him once she was experiencing some discomforting symptoms and after some wrangling, Sheldon found out she was experiencing PMS. Ever since that day, Sheldon had tracked her cycle like a teacher waiting for summer break. It was part of their routine, and Amy had told him she appreciated his kindness. But that routine was disrupted. All their routines were disrupted.

It wasn't until the next morning that Sheldon sent another text. That time, it was in a different tone:

_"Sorry."_

_"I shouldn't have said malarkey. It was over the line."_

_"I was insensitive to your female flu. Maybe you can delete some of my texts from yesterday."_

Still nothing.

Sheldon still called her phone just to her the voice, but it was only the short message: "Hello, person who feels vocal communication an efficient method to convey your inquiries. Please leave a message," and when the voice mail would cut him off and he would hang up. Sheldon had never heard the message before, as she always answered his calls within a few rings. He still sent three texts a day, but their previous schedule for phone calls was forgotten as he rang her phone as much as he could. That week Sheldon heard her message over 50 times.

Sheldon refused to go to work the that week, neither would he visit Leonard's new house. The days passed and he continued to ring, yet he heard nothing from her. Penny tried to explain the concept of "ghosting" someone, but Sheldon cut off her explanation of urban slang because ghosts were scary.

Penny suggested, "Just take one day off from calling her. No texts, no calls. Try that."

Sheldon agreed, but not until the next day. He had to send one more text that evening.

_"It's Thursday night, 9 PM. I'm sorry you're going to miss this evening's activities, however, I will hold onto this fantasy until I talk to you again. Suffice to say, it included a certain TV show you told me you enjoyed involving a Genie. Good night."_

That next morning Leonard and Penny come over before going to work to invite Sheldon to their house warming party but Sheldon refused to go, using the new virus in China as an excuse for his anti-social behavior.

"I have no interest in visiting that germ infested house if you haven't even required your guests to wear gloves."

Penny showed him the invitation on her phone and said smugly, "I knew you'd say that. See?"

Sheldon pushed her phone away, "No masks though. Forget it."

Leonard dropped into the chair and said, "I know our moving out was hard on you, buddy, but you really should-"

"Don't _'should'_ on me, Leonard. I _should_ do nothing I don't want to do. I _should_ be working on my Nobel speech, I _should_ be organizing my new collectibles room, I _should_ be sleeping and I _should_ be expected to be left to work as I do best. ALONE. I will state again, I'm fine."

Leonard tried to explain he was in denial, but Sheldon told him to go read his mother's books and leave him alone.

"It doesn't matter, Leonard! There was no real relationship with her, it was just an experiment. It had run its course, that's all. There was no bond that when severed would cause me any discomfort. I frankly have no emotion over the entire affair. It's done now. That's all I want to say about it."

Sheldon looked down at his hands clutched around his phone. He unwrapped his fingers and laid the phone on the table. He noticed Penny holding a napkin and he looked up at her. Her eyes were shiny and she had a gentle smile on her face.

"Here sweetie. You have some water on your face..." She dabbed Sheldon's face, but he grabbed the napkin out of her hand recoiling from her touch.

"I'm fine! There is nothing wrong with me!" Sheldon pushed off the couch and ran toward the bedroom, with his phone in his hand.

He quickly called Amy's number to leave one more voice message:

"Maybe we can start over. Hello, I'm Sheldon."

He got the following message:

"THE MAIL BOX IS FULL AND UNABLE TO RECEIVE MESSAGES. GOOD BYE."

The phone hung up.


	17. Call of the Highway

**Amy**

After the circuit dating event, Amy sped home to her apartment in Glendale, stomped up her stairs to the third floor, slammed her door closed and threw her purse across the room, before she allowed herself to let out a scream of frustration and anger.

The tall handsome man had caught her eye the moment he had entered the room. He had reminded her of someone but she could not quite place who from across the room.

As he exchanged pleasantries with the interesting Englishman, she tried to recall where she may have seen the gorgeous man staring at her from the next table. When he sat across from her, his blue eyes boring into soul she thought he might be the man from Cal Tech. But when his attention centered on her, and he spoke, his voice triggered something else. Then it hit her. All thoughts about who he may have reminded her of, were forgotten. She knew who this individual was. It was Sheldon.

He should never have shown up, him and his stupid perfect face. He had been so smug with his thin beckoning lips and glinting blue eyes. He had ruined everything.

He must have been having a good laugh sitting across the table from her knowing she knew nothing. He said once, knowing everything was kinda his thing. Had he planned this ambush the entire time? She still didn't know his last name, and she didn't want to. In fact, she wanted to forget everything about him. Damn him! She leaned her elbows on the countertop and covered her face with her hands as she burned with embarrassment, my God, she had almost blurted her true feelings out. She had almost told him she loved him.

Taking a deep breath, she stood up straight. She needed a hot bath, and tossing off her clothes she headed for the tub like an old friend. As she lay soaking in the calm water, she could hear the muffled sound of the phone alert; a persistent beeping. He must have been sending a lot of texts. She could not deal with him right now, she dove her head underwater ignoring the calls and afterward dressed for bed.

Sunday morning, she woke as tired as if she had not gone to bed. She felt drained from the previous day's events and had an uneasy feeling as if she had lost something precious. She glided her fingers against her mouth. She wanted that feeling on her lips again. She wanted the feeling of his hands on her hips. But then she remembered the look on his face. The look of horror. He had kissed her to win an argument, not because he wanted it. She was tempted to pick up for her phone and ring him, but felt that she needed to give herself some breathing space. However, one good thing to emerge from the debacle of the previous day, at least her obligation was over for the year. With a sigh of relief, she sent the circuit dating receipt to her mother.

As the unusually long day drew to a close, Amy decided it was time to see what Sheldon to say, which, judging from the numerous alerts she had received during the day, had to be plenty. Picking up her phone, she read and listened to Sheldon's messages.

She had almost regretted walking away in anger last night, but now. _OVERBLOWN! PUERILE! OVERREACTION!_ If he had been present at that time, she would have shown him just how overblown and puerile she could be. He was going to delete her files was he – well two could play at that game. She threw everything, including his ridiculous friend agreement in the recycle folder and slammed her laptop shut.

By Tuesday evening, her determination not to access any of Sheldon's messages had weakened, and she could not help the smile when she heard his text alert at exactly 9:00 PM. She picked up her phone.

From his messages, she could tell that he wanted things to return to normal. But things had changed, she had changed and now she did not think they could ever return to the way they were. Sheldon was everything she wanted in a man except one thing; he would never want a physical relationship. She wanted more than Sheldon could give and though it was possible that they could return to their impersonal conversations, the intimacy they had shared had been damaged, maybe this experiment had run its course.

On Thursday evening, she curled up with a heating pad, a cup of hot chocolate. Amy still received alerts for Sheldon ringing her phone, though he no longer left any voice mails, and his texting had slowed to three times a day. She knew that she had to end things once and for all, but she kept putting off the final step. Amy read Sheldon's Thursday text, and watched reruns of "I Dream of Jeannie" until her sobs put her to sleep. By the time Friday rolled around, Sheldon had stopped texting altogether. The decision had been made for her.

Saturday afternoon she found herself driving to Penny's new house in Alta Dena. Earlier in the week she had received an email from Penny who had recently moved and wanted to have a small get-together. The invitation also said to bring gloves, and Amy suspected that Penny was concerned about the new virus. Though the thought of Penny being so foresighted seemed out of character. Must be Bernadette, she reasoned, since a microbiologist would have better safety concerns.

Amy had initially turned down Penny's house warming invitation, but as Saturday approached, she decided that she needed to go. Staying at home, hiding in a gallon of ice cream was not a healthy solution. She had to see people again, and her new girlfriend's familiarity would be welcome.

The little Spanish bungalow needed a new coat of paint, a handyman to fix the front door and the garden was overgrown, but Amy couldn't help but be a little envious of her new friends' home. Amy had always wanted a little house of her own, on the prairie or not, it didn't matter.

Amy knocked on the door and a small bespectacled man answered with Penny by his side.

"Amy! Right on time... as always." Penny had on a sweatshirt and her hair was up in a ponytail. Perhaps the party was more casual than she thought.

"Hello Penny. I have brought the prerequisite gloves required for the party however, given that you didn't specify what kind, I brought you a box of surgical grade latex and non-latex, along with a pair of driving gloves I picked up at a thrift store." Amy handed Penny the bag.

"Oh... um... Thanks... Wine's good too."

Penny turned to the man next to her and said, "Leonard, this is Amy. She's the one I told you about."

"Ah, yes. The woman who knew all about baboon mating habits."

"Not that! She'd be perfect for him, don't you think?" Penny nudged Leonard.

"Let's keep the matching making until after the first drink, okay?" Leonard turned back to Amy, "Please, come in." His wide smile and hardy handshake welcomed her albeit without gloves.

As Amy followed the couple into the house, Penny turned around, "I was just about to get dressed. Come into the kitchen for a drink and Leonard can then show you around."

Penny made her way to what was presumably the bedroom, and Amy saw her lift her phone to her ear. As she closed the door, Amy could hear her on the phone saying something about Mickey Mouse and shouting at a person on the other end.

Leonard offered her a drink in a measuring cup. "Sorry, all our glasses got broke in the move."

"Not a problem. I can measure my alcohol intake. I'll take a quarter cup of Chardonnay."

Amy's nerves got the best of her and she rambled on as she watched Leonard pour the wine. "Did you know the measuring cup, as we know it today, was invented by Fannie Farmer in 1896?"

"I was unaware of that fact. A farmer huh?"

"No, she was not a farmer, nor did she have large buttocks, it was just her name. She introduced the standardization of measurements for cooking, otherwise, everyone would use incorrect measurements, much like the amount of Chardonnay you just gave me." Amy held her cup to eye level and said, "I believe this is over ¼ cup, due to the water molecules adhering to the side of the cup or concept known as the meniscus."

"I'm sorry." Leonard poured some of the liquid out. "Boy, Penny was right about you. You're perfect for him."

Leonard took Amy into the living room which seemed to be decorated in U-haul boxes and half-assembled shelves. Leonard said apologetically, "Sorry for the mess. Our friend who is normally a whiz at this stuff... well...he was supposed to help us unpack, but he's not doing so well."

"Sorry to hear that. I think I have a suggestion for an organizational paradigm that would maximize the space of your living room. I recently sent some of my ideas to my friend-" Amy swallowed the rest of her words as she looked beyond the mess of boxes. The whole room reminded her of Sheldon. Little Sci Fi toys everywhere coupled with science books. Sheldon and he would have a lot in common.

"I already have a guy for that, but thanks." He turned and said, "You should meet him, you'd get along great. Let me see if I can get him to come." Leonard pulled his phone out of his pocket to text someone, but Amy shook her head.

"Oh, I'm not interested in meeting anyone. I only date once a year, and I-" Amy noticed Leonard had already sent a text. She continued, "Please don't pressure anyone to do anything they don't want to do. I learned recently that that's a terrible idea." She took a sip of the wine from the measuring cup.  
"Sometimes, a friend has to decide what's good for a person, even if they don't want it." Leonard finished another text just as the doorbell rang.

Bernadette introduced Amy to her husband, a rather small man whose pants looked as if they had been painted on and a belt buckle almost as large as he was. Within a minute Amy had learned that he was an astronaut, but this was counterbalanced by the fact that he didn't have a doctorate. However, he redeemed himself by referencing Neil Diamond.

"Now I see the appeal," Amy said to Bernadette as she nodded to Howard. She turned back to Howard, and said, "Perhaps we can get the karaoke machine going and do some "Sweet Caroline."

Before Howard could agree, the doorbell rang again and a new couple joined the group: A man wearing an unusually ugly sweater vest arrived escorting a woman who smelled of buttercream frosting. For some reason both looked very familiar to Amy but she couldn't quite place them until she remembered. The lady was the same baker from Hot Crossed Buns Bakery and she had brought some homemade brownies and some of the lemon lavender cake that had been so popular. Amy viewed the brownies with suspicion as they looked like they had oregano in them.

"Is that spices?"

"Those are special brownies." Raj's ladylove giggled.

Raj chuckled, "I do so love your brownies!"

Having found a great spot on the living room couch Amy opted for the lemon lavender cake as the brownies smelled like a skunk, and she watched as the enamored couple spent their time giggling and lovingly feeding each other their desired treat.

New love is always the most annoying kind.

As Amy sat in the living room among the couples, she overheard Leonard and Penny arguing in the kitchen, "I did call him!"

Leonard whispered, but loud enough for everyone to hear, "He's just in a funk over that girl. Remember when you got that haircut."

Penny said, "You don't think he would do something drastic do you?"

"I don't think he'll go to Bozeman again, we aren't that lucky. He just needs time. As long as he doesn't get any cats, he'll be fine."

"Leonard, he's not fine."

"Ok, Ok, let's go back to the party and I'll drive over later and check on him."

Penny and Leonard came out of the kitchen with fake smiles and a plate of cheese and crackers. The room grew uncomfortably quiet as those not enjoying the sugary treats munched loudly on saltines and canned cheese.

Amy broke the silence by suggesting, "I have heard of a great game we could all play."

Raj said, "Oh, I love party games. What's it called?"

"You have to guess the number and name of a major motorway. The trick is the number has to be the sum of the two preceding ones. For example, I might say California interstate 55 and Route 89, the National Park Highway. So the obvious answer..." Amy waited for anyone to guess but they all just stared at her dumbfounded. She answered, "The answer is the Canadian road; King's Highway 144. The game is called-"

The whole group said at once, " **Fibonacci Highway**?" Then looked at each other in shock.

"You've heard of it?" Amy asked.

#

**Sheldon**

Following his failure to get in touch with Amy on Thursday, he had taken Penny's advice and did not call Amy at all on Friday just to see long Amy decided to live her in her estrogen-rage cave. To strengthen his resolve, he had placed his phone in his desk, locked the drawer, and dropped the key into the pencil holder on top – out of temptation's way. The first hour had fared well until he heard the phone text alarm. In his panic and rush to get the key, he knocked everything to the floor. Unfortunately, the text was not Amy, but Leonard asking Sheldon to bring wipes to the party the next day as the stores had run out. Sheldon had no patience for Leonard's lack of preparedness especially as he had no intention of going, and he now had to tidy up the mess on the floor before he could return to his quiet routine for the night.

He did pretty well until 9:00 PM when he needed to hear her voice. Just once. He knew her mailbox was full, but hearing the message relaxed him enough to sleep.

Sheldon woke on Saturday and made a list of everything he wanted to do. With no distractions from interfering and nosey neighbors, he would be able to get his laundry done, work on his theories, organize his spice cabinet, the tea box, catalog his comic collection, and his books by the number of pages. However, as the hours ticked by he did nothing but listen to every noise in the apartment. The annoying woman upstairs must have decided to take up tap dancing, the birds chirping outside the window sounded like an aviary and he could identify every person's shoe size that stomped up the stairway. But when the noises stopped, the silence in his apartment deafened him.

Sheldon had not realized how he had grown accustomed to Penny and Leonard living across the hall. The occasional milk theft, group dinners, and the banter he had once cursed were now little annoyances he missed.

By lunchtime, none of his tasks on his extensive to-do list had been completed. The lack of achievement was worse than his first cognitive only day and he knew the cause. All he could think about was Amy as she had sat across the table from him.

He had loved how her brow had frowned slightly in puzzlement as she tried to place his voice. Then as her eyes widened when she had finally recognized him. She was cross, so mad he could almost see steam coming out of her ears, but he could also see such intelligence in her eyes. It was like peeking into a library. He closed his eyes trying to recall her voice. He recalled every fantasy he had, with her in the leading role.

A sound, like a siren being ground in a blender, startled him. He must have fallen asleep. When he finally opened his eyes and adjusted to the real world, he realized it was his phone. He had changed the ring tone for Penny to the most annoying sound he could find. He thought he had only closed his eyes for ten minutes, but when he answered the phone, he glanced at the clock: 2:30 PM.

"I've been calling you all day! Why haven't you picked up your phone?"

"I've been working on a project, Penny." Sheldon looked at his to-do list, the only item marked off was make a to-do list. "What in Halley's Comet could be so important?"

"You promised you'd be here. I made everyone wear gloves. Leonard looks like Mickey Mouse."

"Mickey's taller than Leonard. I hope he's wearing a mask."

"It's not that kinda party." Penny's voice changed. She whispered into the receiver, "Did you ever talk to your mystery woman? Cause have I got a girl for you! Oh man, this person is perfect for you! She's smart, she's-"

"I'm gonna stop you right there, Penny. I have decided there is no way I will ever be romantically involved with another person. Now if you'll excuse me-"

He hung up before Penny could say another word, and put his phone on the coffee table.

A lesser man would want to go to Penny's party. He'd want to call friends, invite them over for dinner. A lesser man would want to go to work and work on new theories. A lesser man might call his mother and check on life in Texas. He was Homo Novus superior. He did not want any of these things. What he did want was not to need Amy.

He didn't want to yearn to hear her voice or think about her every night. He didn't want to imagine her next to him, laughing at his jokes, or commenting on how brilliant he was. He didn't want to get excited over her texts and he certainly didn't want to have their Thursday night sessions be the highlight of his week. He didn't want it, he needed it.

He had always enjoyed being alone, never needing anyone. His own thoughts had been entertainment enough. He would tell himself jokes, have entire conversations with a council of Sheldon's in his mind, and each of those personalities would confirm, Sheldon Cooper didn't need another person in his life. He wasn't a weak-minded common man; he was smart enough by himself. But after almost seven days alone, Sheldon Lee Cooper realized he hated it. Now he had what he always desired, but it was not enough.

He sat in his spot staring at nothing. He had to think, get back to what was important: His mind. Which now, he wondered if it had started to play tricks on him as he thought he heard her signature ring on his phone. Checking his phone, he almost couldn't believe his eyes. It was. After all his unanswered calls and texts. Amy was calling him.

With shaking hands he tried to swipe up the call to answer but missed it. He sat back wondering what to do next, when the phone rang again. He answered it on the first ring.

"Hello?"

"Hello... Sheldon. It's Amy."

"Amy. It is you, right? Of course it is... Silly of me." Sheldon cleared his throat and paced around the room holding the phone tightly as if it was Amy he was holding on to. "Um... How are you?"

"I've been better. I guess. And you?"

Her voice sounded strained, as if she were holding back emotion. He admired how she could do that. Sheldon tried to do the same. He thought hum drum chit chat might break the tension.

"I've been preparing for the impending crisis. The isolation has been great for my work." Sheldon stared at his blank whiteboard. "I've been eating well and read a few great books lately." Sheldon kicked the pizza box and the controller on the floor, before he said, "Um... how have you been? Oh, I asked that." He swallowed the lump in his throat and said the words he had practiced over in his mind. "I'm sorry… I'm sorry I violated our contract."

"Sheldon. I should have called earlier. I have a lot to say about that, but I think I would like to say it in person."

"I would like that. Perhaps we can-" Sheldon was interrupted by a knock at the door. "Hold on, Amy, it's the door." Sheldon swung open the door and was ready to snap the head off the person standing there, but stopped when he saw who it was. Amy. She had her phone to her ear and a timid smile.

"Hello, Sheldon."

Sheldon smiled, and said with a crack in his voice, "Hello." He then spoke into the phone, "Amy, I have to let you go, Amy is here."

Amy smiled and said into her phone, "I understand."

"Hello."

"Hello, I'm Amy Farrah Fowler."

Sheldon felt a click, a small puzzle piece in his head found a spot. He heard the final chord of a song, a balanced equation. He felt a calm he hadn't felt in days. He couldn't find the perfect words, but only stared at Amy for a moment and then said, "Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm Sheldon Cooper."

She smiled. A small grin, hardly noticeable by any other observer except by the one person who yearned for the gesture like he wanted his oxygen.

"Hello." Amy tucked her hair behind her ear, and looked behind him before asking, "May I come in?"

"Yes. Please. Yes." Sheldon's smile widened, but he still couldn't speak full sentences and seemed to have lost his manners in the haze of his thoughts. He was elated that Amy had called, but then to see her in person. He could not have felt better if he had been told that a second FireFly series was going to be released on Star Wars day.

Amy looked rather distracted and then said, "I'm sorry for the intrusion, perhaps I shouldn't have come-" She turned to leave, but Sheldon grabbed her hand.

"Please, stay." He noticed how soft her hand was, but more importantly how much he enjoyed holding it. He didn't let it go until he led her into the apartment and sat with her on the couch. She sat still with her hands on her stocking knees scanning the room; no doubt impressed with his collection of books. Her hair glided down her shoulders. For some reason, he wanted nothing more than to touch it.

Now that she was sitting calmly beside him, he could see that she had the most marvelous cheekbones and the greenest eyes he had ever seen, which at the moment were blinking at him. He hadn't even thought to offer her a beverage or say a word until Amy cleared her throat.

"Forgive me. Would you like some tea?"

"Yes, please." Her quick smile warmed him. He went to the kitchen and started to fill the kettle as Amy spoke.

"I must apologize for the intrusion but Penny said-"

"Penny? You know Penny?" Sheldon couldn't understand how she could know Penny unless Penny violated their contract and then he would have strong words for that Nebraskan interloper.

"Yes. Bernadette introduced us. We kinda hang out now." Amy flipped her hair off her shoulders, but cleared her throat and said, "As a matter of fact, Penny tried to fix me up with you on a date."

Sheldon laughed, "I would never date a person that Penny would suggest. A fact of which I just told her today, as a matter of fact." He took two mugs out of the cabinet.

Amy slumped in her spot and her shoulders folded in. "Yes, well that's exactly why I am here. I wanted to conclude our relationship and I think I-"

Sheldon dropped a tea mug and it shattered on the floor. As he bent down to clean up the shards, he rattled off his response.

"I don't see any reason why we should conclude our relationship. I think we can revert back to our previous arrangement as I stated in my messages." Sheldon popped off the floor. Amy came to the kitchen to help him with the mug. She handed him a cloth to pick up the sharp pieces. Sheldon took the cloth, but just held it to his chest. His voice almost trembled as he said, "We can go back to our previous arrangement. No change needed, if that is what you wish."

Amy sat on one of the bar stools, looking defeated as if she had just been punched in the gut. Sheldon could not understand why that would be. She wasn't the one who just ruined a set of mugs, or gone through hell for seven days. However, he listened as she spoke.

"I wish you no harm nor do I want to put any expectations on you. I know you don't want a romantic involvement-"

Sheldon interrupted her, "No, I didn't want that."

"I knew that. You want to revert to our previous relationship, but I don't think that is possible anymore." Amy returned to the couch to retrieve her purse. He followed her and saw she had pulled out a document. He recognized it as their friendship agreement. She flipped to page 33, the termination clause. She had signed it. "I will leave this with you."

Sheldon felt like the shattered mug on the floor. He sat back in his spot, defeated.

Amy turned to leave, but he placed his hand on her arm to stop her, "I said I didn't want that **. The past tense**. I never wanted that, but I do want... you. In any form I can have."

"Sheldon..." She paused as if she needed to draw strength. "I loved our previous arrangement and frankly I don't know if I would be ready to be with anyone if it weren't for our communications. Now I am ready, and I need more. I want more. But that's my needs, not yours. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do just so it's good for me. I heard this tonight, "Sometimes, a friend has to decide what's good for a person, even if they don't want it."

"Sounds like some hokum Leonard came up with."

Amy let out a giggle, "You're right. He did say that."

"I don't think you should decide what's good for me. I did that when I came to break up your dates and let me tell you, it didn't end well."

Amy's smile bloomed on her face. She said, "You're right. I shouldn't decide for you."

Sheldon turned his gaze from her face to where his hand rested on her arm. Once again he reached out for her hand, and she allowed it and even seemed to perk up, as he spoke.

His blue eyes stared into her green ones, "If you are willing, I would like to formally ask you on a date, for a specified time of your choosing." Sheldon's voice cracked a little when he added, "Up to and including the required kiss good night, if you agree. I can amend our friendship agreement."

Amy stared at him through her glasses. She spoke with a hint of suspicious hope when she asked, "Just to be clear...are you sure you want that, and not that you just need it?"

"I spent a long time today going the list of things I thought I wanted, and needed. I always thought of the list as binary, I could either want or need something, but I have concluded, in some cases, it's the same. I want to need you. I want all that comes with you, quirks and all."


	18. Only 2 Bars

**Sheldon**

For the first time in known history, Sheldon was speechless. Sheldon had returned to the kitchen and made Amy the promised cup of tea, and they had been sitting quietly on his leather couch for over 15 minutes, sipping their tea and exchanging quick smiles before Amy's eyes would dart around the room like a detective; looking at anything other Sheldon.

Sheldon had experienced paralyzing nerves before when he had to do public speaking. But sitting next to Amy, this was a whole new level as he found himself censoring every thought before he could utter it. He realized this is what normal people must feel like, and he didn't like it.

The heat from her body warmed him as they sat three inches apart on the couch. He could hear every breath she took in the silent room. He thought if he listened intensely, he would hear her heart beat, but as good as his Vulcan hearing was, that might be just wishful thinking.

He started to speak just as she did and after a dual of "Oh, no... please you continue... No you... Please." He gave up.

Jumping up suddenly, he excused himself and ran to his bedroom. He closed the door and before this panic attack could take hold, he wiped off his sweaty palms and pulled out his phone.

 _"I need your help_." He texted and waited for the reply as he paced around his bedroom.

_**"What can I do for you?"** _

_"How do you talk to a woman?"_

_"_ _**Just as you would a man, or does your sexist based question have an ulterior motive."** _

Sheldon breathed an exhaustive sigh and typed back, _"Smarty pants. I mean a woman you care about."_

_**"Oh, that's different."** _ _Smiley face emoji._

_"I know, so spill it."_

_**"You can start by introducing yourself, establish expectations and ask her about herself."** _

_"Introduce myself. Expectations. Got it."_

_**"Don't forget, ask her about herself, so it shows interest and let the conversation go from there** _ _."_

_"Thank you, Amy. You've been very helpful."_

_**"Anytime, now if you will excuse me, I'm with someone and I expect he will be back at any moment** _ _."_

"Lucky guy." Sheldon said out loud. He took a deep breath and exited his room. Amy had just put away her phone and picked up her tea mug to hide her smirk as he joined her on the couch.

He turned toward her and said, "Yes, well, I'm happy to meet you. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, youngest winner of the Stevenson Award." Sheldon paused then said, "I would expect you would like to hear all about me so that you know I'm not a raving lunatic or a deranged art history aficionado."

"I already know that, but please continue."

Sheldon rattled off his curriculum vitae and Amy listened intently for over 15 minutes without a word.

At one point in the conversation, Amy took out her phone and texted someone.

Sheldon thought this to be a little rude, but he continued his story. "I'm currently working on dark matter at Cal Tech, however, my interests have peeked to-" His phone beeped.

 _ **"You didn't take my advice."**_ Amy had texted him the same phrase again. **"** _ **Don't forget, ask her about herself, so it shows interest and let the conversation go from there."**_

Sheldon's face flushed with embarrassment, and he put his phone away, "Um... tell me about yourself."

Amy's smile showed off her perfect teeth as she spoke. Sheldon listened just as attentively as she now told him about her background, her studies, and her history, all the more interesting now without the filter of anonymity.

They discussed her work, her authored papers, and then the coincidence of meeting Bernadette at a conference and the unusual development of a friendship with Penny. When he learned that Amy had been over to Penny's apartment he remembered how he had thought he had heard her voice and gone to investigate.

As he sat there thinking about this, numbers burst into his head and he started to expound on how low the odds were that they had met as they did. Suddenly, Amy stood to leave. Sheldon was disappointed at her leaving so soon. He wanted to talk to her more, get a new degree in the intense study of Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler. When Amy pointed out that she had been there almost 5 hours he was surprised how quick the time had gone.

"I know you have a 10 PM bed time." She tapped her watch.

Amy stood at his door for a moment before she left. Her beautiful green eyes stared up at him, almost longingly as if she was waiting for something. Sheldon wished he could send her a quick text asking what was going on in her brilliant head. He was just about to reach out and kiss her. Just a quick kiss, maybe on her cheek, or just a short peck, he didn't want her to hit him with her purse for being a masher, but before he could move, she turned and rushed down the stairway.

Sheldon turned and shut the door just as his phone rang. Looking at the caller id, he was surprised it had taken this amount of time for her to ring.

"Penny? What do you want?" Sheldon cleaned up while he held his phone in the crux of his neck listening to Penny prattle on.

"The goods! You better spill it! The whole group dropped their jaws when we realized your mystery girl was our AMY!"

Sheldon snapped back to Penny's suggestion, "She's NOT your Amy. She's my Amy. I found her first."

"Fine fine...But we've been talking to her for months! We made her go over there, practically had to push her out the door." Penny squealed so loudly that Sheldon had to pull the phone from his ear. "OH MY GAWD! We were going to send her over to your apartment, can you image. God, tell me you go pictures! What did you talk about, are you going to date? Can you believe the odds that Amy was the same woman I was going to set you up with?"

He heard Bernadette yelling in the background, "'I WAS GOING TO FIRST!'"

"Amazing odds." Sheldon smiled as he remembered the figures he had related to Amy, "In fact, on average, the odds of finding a person you are compatible with enough for love is 562 to one, so 5125 almost tenfold-"

"Love?" There was a thud as the phone hit the floor. Sheldon assumed that Leonard must have picked it up as he heard him mutter something about needing a new phone as he handed it back to Penny. Ignoring her husband's comment, Penny gasped, "Did you say love?"

"Sorry Penny, I will have to call you back." Sheldon hung up before Penny could mine him for any more information or press him on his admission. But the facts were clear. Sheldon was in love. Not some hormone driven lust fest like most of his friends, nor a brain parasite. This love was built on their virtual relationship and mutual respect. He had fallen in love without seeing her. He had proved a theory; physical contact wasn't needed to form deep emotional attachments.

He wondered how far this limited physical relationship could go. Could they form a lasting relationship that would result in marriage, possibly children? Their children would be a gift to humanity. Perhaps he could send her his chromosomes, like Fed XY, the XY being for Chromosomes. Sheldon giggled at his brilliant idea. He would have to email her about it.

Sheldon finished cleaning up and sat at his computer to research everything he could about Amy Farrah Fowler. By the time she arrived home, he had emailed her with a list of questions that would rival any SAT test including his suggestion about children.

Amy texted him back.

_**"We can discuss your email and many other topics you have suggested. I have to say, your witticism about Fed Ex for procreation caused me to snort, which I believe was the intent. Are you still interested in continuing our 9 PM check in?"** _

_"Very interested."_ Sheldon text back. _"Thank you for coming over tonight."_

_**"I'm glad I did."** _

Sheldon spent the rest of the evening and the next day working on their relationship agreement to codify a schedule so that he would have no further interruptions to his routine.

He included regular check in's via video and their Thursday sessions of physical release would continue, though he did not specify if they would be on video or not. The idea of seeing Amy in a Star Fleet uniform almost caused him an unscheduled release session. He used Kolinahr to suppress the feeling and continued his work.

Since Thursdays were already special, he added one in- person date every third Thursday or fourth on a month with five Thursday to be followed by a kiss, on the lips lasting no shorter than 27 seconds, and no longer than 35 seconds. No tongue.

Their first date would be March 19th, 2020. A long eleven days away.

#

**Amy**

Amy's long drive home seemed to take just minutes but time felt different somehow. She couldn't believe the fact that Sheldon was Penny's neighbor and she had been to that exact apartment building before. Amy didn't believe in luck. That was for the weakest minds who couldn't understand statistics, but she had to agree with Sheldon's calculations. The odds were low. Sheldon had calculated it for her that evening before she said goodbye. "5,125 to one."

"Really?" Amy nearly spit out her tea.

"If you factor our average age, our background in science, the likelihood that someone of your caliber would even entertain a friendship with Penny and also-"

Amy tilted her head in confusion. "But you're friends with Penny."

Sheldon shrugged, and said flatly, "She grows on you. Like a fungus."

"So beneficial, meaning she helps decompose unwanted feces in your life, while also helping you rise up, like yeast in bread?"

"Exactly. A fungus. Anyway, would you like to see my math?" Sheldon sat up to get a pad of paper, but Amy stopped him.

"I have no doubt it's correct. I guess we are special. Kind of 5125 to one kind of special."

"Yes. I concur." Sheldon licked his lower lip before he smiled.

Amy had never swooned before, never in her life had she felt that weightless feeling she had seen described in books or displayed across a screen. However, when Sheldon smiled, a crooked smug grin like the man knew he could undress her with his calculus, Amy swooned. Even though she was seated, her knees gave out. She had had to leave his apartment before she fell apart.

When she returned home, Amy checked her phone. Over ten missed calls from Penny and Bernie asking for the "goods". She wrote them back and promised a girls night and she would tell them every detail. That seemed to placate them for a while. Amy checked her computer for the evening, she found that Sheldon had already written her an extensive email. She nearly choked when she read about having children. Albeit via in-vitro fertilization, but still he desired siring children, a thought she had never considered. However, for a moment, it seemed possible. In fact, many things she had ignored during her whole solitary life now seemed possible.

She let her mind drift to areas unknown to her previous single life, like maybe they could go on dates like other couples, share French fries, wear matching costumes at Halloween. Perhaps they could hold hands, and maybe even kiss without it being scheduled. He would hold her whenever she was sad. He would take care of her when she was sick. They could snuggle and watch their favorite shows together. They could curl up next to each other in bed and drift off to sleep.

She sighed, remembering their goodbye at his door that evening. She had so wanted to kiss him goodbye. Just a short peck on the cheek, maybe something akin to the kiss he had given her before. Yes, he had told her that he wanted a romantic relationship, he had even gone so far as to talk about kissing, but this was still all new territory for him, and she knew that she would have to go at his pace, so she had held back.

Their new agreement was a step forward, albeit baby steps and Amy accepted that any relationship with Sheldon Lee Cooper would take years. However, she basked in a satisfied glow as she prepared herself for bed. It was evident that she was important enough to him for Sheldon to take these steps, and she loved him enough not to give up.

#

**Sheldon**

A few days later, Sheldon sat at his computer, adjusted the screen, placed the handle of the mug of hot Earl Grey tea at a perfect 45-degree angle and waited for Amy's call. He had been self-isolating for seven days after two screeners at LAX tested positive for the new COVID Virus. Sheldon knew it was just a matter of time before the virus found its way to California. So far, the news reported no cases in Pasadena; however, they hadn't implemented a rigorous nationwide testing and Sheldon was taking no chances.

During that time, he had ordered all the necessary supplies, enough food to feed his father's high school football team, including toilet paper that that same team would have used on a rival's house, Sheldon liked to be prepared. He had also instructed his friends that the intellectual salon of 4A was temporarily closed as he would not allow any group dinners be held in the apartment.

He now worked at home, with three white boards and no distractions. His work had picked up since he stopped going to Cal-tech. No longer was he burdened by the long lunches with the group that had sapped his time. He could concentrate and focus on his new theory.

The laptop issued Amy's alert and Sheldon smiled before he hit the reply key.

"Hello, Dr. Fowler."

"Hello Dr. Cooper."

The rest of the evening they chatted about their day, their work, what they had for dinner, and then before he knew it, the alarm rang for the call to be over. Sheldon said his goodbyes and cleaned the apartment before he retired for the evening. Wearing his favorite pajamas, he stood in the kitchen. As he sipped his sleepy-time tea he looked at his spot, and in his mind's eye he saw his friends surrounding him.

Though they still spoke on the phone and had video calls, he knew that Leonard and Penny had moved on with their lives. The 2 mini Wolowitz's were busy bringing up their children, and Raj and his girlfriend had published so many couples' pictures on Instagram that Sheldon could paper the wall with them if he wanted to.

He didn't want to admit he missed the group gatherings and the banter, but at this late evening hour, as he heard the hum of electronics instead of his friend's laughter, he had to say he had a moment of melancholy. Sheldon shrugged off the unfamiliar feeling and retired to bed. He set his phone to usual white noise: A recording of Leonard's snoring through the walls and he drifted off to sleep.

The week of his first date, everything changed.

March 12th Disneyland closed.

March 13th: National emergency

March 13th: California schools closed

March 16th: Restaurants asked to do take out only

March 19th: State wide Shelter in place.

March 19th – the date of their first date. Sheldon called Amy the afternoon after the Shelter in Place order was given. Through the video chat, he saw Amy in full scrubs, including a face mask. She was cleaning beakers while she talked to him.

"I am just finishing up work at the lab. I don't know how I am going to work without my equipment. I guess now is the time to take up a new hobby... re-read my Nancy Drew collection, maybe learn tai chi or ribbon embroidery… I just don't know."

Sheldon, dressed for his date, slumped in his spot. He had felt disappointment before. As a child he was saddened when no one came to his Nobel Prize party or he wasn't picked for the science field trip. As an adult he had been upset when they canceled Firefly, and replaced Leonard Nimoy with Zachary Quinto but this crushing feeling was a new low.

He loosened his tie and let out a large sigh. Amy stopped her cleaning and looked into the camera.

Amy said, "I take it by your body language that you want to cancel our date."

"What date? We can't go to the restaurant I planned and the escape room won't refund me the deposit."

Amy shrugged, "I don't see why we can't have our date. We can eat dinner together at our separate houses, we can plan a better escape room puzzle than anyone else, we can even still do the dance I suggested."

"I don't see how we can possible go salsa dancing over video." Sheldon crossed his arms and pouted.

"I see. So you want to miss out on my killer moves." Amy twirled around and shook her hips back in forth in perfect rhythm.

Sheldon sat up and watched, but a new crushing weight of disappointment overtook him, and he fell back in his spot with a hard slam.

"The whole date is ruined."

"Sheldon. You and I have developed a great relationship without even seeing each other. We can continue that and still be fine. This is just a temporary setback. I doubt this Shelter in Place will go much further than April. May... tops."

"MAY! We have to wait two months before our date!"

"April then. I'm sure everything will be fine." Amy took off her mask, put two fingers to her lips and then to the camera. "There. You got your kiss."

Sheldon could barely form a smile. He tried to tell himself that this date was just for Amy. She was the one who wanted physical contact. She was the one who needed the kiss goodnight. She was the one who renegotiated the relationship to include holding hands outside of the required parameters of flu shots. Sheldon didn't need it. He didn't need it. He didn't need it.

Repeating it didn't help.

Sheldon noticed Amy's attire. He could barely see her under her paper gown and full-face mask. There was no way she could contract anything, but it did give him an idea. "Do you have any more of those clean room gowns, and masks?"

"Of course. I have all the required equipment to run a clean lab, including non-latex gloves. Why?"

"Maybe you can put some of those in your car when you leave tonight?"

Amy stopped working again, and glared into the camera. "You would risk contracting a virus for our date night?"

"I guess not..." Sheldon said, "But get some anyway."


	19. Call Center Chaos

**Sheldon**

Over the following few weeks, though self-isolating, Sheldon still remained in touch with his friends via video chat.

Not long into the Shelter in Place order, he heard from Howard who looked as he had done after his stint in space. His uncut hair would have shamed a troll doll, and the dark circles under his eyes dipped into his unkempt beard.

Howard pleaded into the camera, "Hey buddy, how are you doing, do you need anything over there. Maybe I can come over for just a minute, you know just to keep you company."

Sheldon rolled his eyes and said flatly, "Per executive order N-33-20, all residents are directed to heed current state public health directives."

"Come on, you gotta let me come over. I need a break from the kids. Bernadette has me working on every project in the house. I can't take another day!"

Sheldon scolded him, "Howard...does the stay at home order mean nothing to you?"

"Look, I'll bring over the latest Mystic Order Ka'ah. I got the aquatic-wizards pack. You have to see the Shark-Merlin. They call it a Marlin."

Sheldon rolled his eyes at Howard and said, "There's already a fish named that, and anyway I bought that pack last week."

Howard looked away off camera and his voice rose as he said, "Oh, so you do have extra toilet paper? That's great Sheldon. I will be right over!" But before Sheldon could reply he heard a loud high-pitched voice over the speaker.

_**"NO HOWARD, you're not leaving this house. Now come in here and help me with the kids, they put eggs in the hot tub again!"** _

Howard turned to the camera and begged, "Save me."

Sheldon hung up as another video call came through, this time from Leonard "Hey Sheldon!"

Leonard was covered in paint and holding a roller that was dripping some ghastly colored substance onto the floor. Penny was on a ladder behind him.

"Leonard, what are you doing?"

"Painting... Everything!" He had a strained smile on his face. "Hey Sheldon, I just wanted to confirm that we are still on for the D&D game this week."

"Our omnium-gatherum will have to be held virtually," Sheldon said, as he checked his calendar.

Leonard whined into the camera, "Come on Sheldon! Just because you're doing just dandy without everyone doesn't mean we are. Stuck in the house all day! It's torture!"

"HEY!" Penny yelled from across the room.

Leonard ignored her and pleaded, "We're clean. We have been isolating for weeks! There is no way we have COVID."

Penny coughed in the background and then sneezed, nearly falling off the ladder. Sheldon shook his head. "You know the rules."

Sheldon's instructions to his friends were that unless they could prove they had self-isolated, fully supported by documented proof, along with a current COVID test, with negative results, he would not allow any in-person contact. In fact, he had forbidden Leonard from entering the building to retrieve his mail without a hazmat suit.

"No one can get a test! How can I test every time Penny coughs! I think she's allergic to latex."

"Then you might want to reconsider your birth control methods or you'll end up with a little Hofstadter after this is all over." Sheldon's suggestion caused Leonard to smile, but before he could reply, Penny had jumped off the ladder and rushed over to demand.

Penny sneering into the camera and said, "I bet you and you're new girlfriend are not self-isolating!"

"We are. We have only been speaking through Skype and text. As you are aware, we have already perfected this form of communication. We're doing just fine. We have trained for this." Despite his confident declaration, Sheldon felt his eye twitching.

Penny laughed, and then said, "Really? I can see your eye moving."

"Sorry Penny got another call." Sheldon hung up just as Raj called, his plump face smudged with flour. It was evident that he had gained nearly 15 pounds over the last month. His first true love was in his arms wearing a hand-knit sweater and her perky little nose was covered with frosting.

"Hey Sheldon! I just wanted to let you know, we are following your example and self-isolating." Raj's girlfriend was in the back of the room stirring some kind of dark batter. Raj turned around to look at his girlfriend lick the wooden spoon, and say with a near growl, "The brownie batter is done my love.

Raj turned back to Sheldon with a wink, he gasped. "I gotta go!" and hung up.

Sheldon decided to all call Amy. Dr. Fowler had done marvelously during the quarantine. She had authored two papers, completed an Amish quilt, knitted sweaters for both Howard's children and Raj's dog. She had even learned Danish.

He wanted to let her know Cinnamon seemed to be enjoying her sweater and also to hear her voice, even though it was a few hours earlier than agreed upon.

"I have a few minutes I can spare." Amy smiled broadly and put away her harp.

"Good." Sheldon relaxed in his chair for a moment.

Amy didn't seem phased by the unscheduled call, in fact, she asked if Sheldon could demonstrate the best way to clean the baseboards. Sheldon was more than happy to oblige and carried out the task enthusiastically for about twenty minutes before she hung up saying she needed to brush her teeth. Sheldon was pleased to note that despite the situation, Amy still maintained her oral hygiene standards.

After the call, Sheldon sat in his spot with his Monday night Thai food from Thai the Knot; not as good as his regular place, but at least they had delivery. As he ate his dinner, he looked around his silent apartment. His whiteboards were filled with brilliant theories, there was a fully assembled Lego Death Star, ten completed puzzles, and his entire apartment was sanitized with the detail of a crime scene cleaner. He had even tried to start a workout routine, but when the elastic resistance band he used for pull-ups snapped back in his face, he gave up and kept to hacky sack instead. He was now up to 72.

Thanks to the enforced isolation, he now had more time to himself to concentrate and as a result, he had been more productive than ever. But for some reason, his achievements lacked satisfaction. Something was missing. Quite often he would find himself looking around the apartment for something he thought he had lost. The only time he felt whole was when he spoke with Amy. Their communication via text, phone calls and e-mail was as frequent as before, but even with the added once-a-day video calls, it didn't seem enough.

Sheldon still had Thursday's calls with Amy to look forward to, though given the state of the virus, their third monthly date on May 28th date would be virtual as well.

**AMY**

Amy was a caring individual, and though she was concerned and worried for those suffering from and having to deal with the global pandemic, for her personally, the last few months in lockdown had been heaven.

She didn't have to drive to UCLA, she could work on her side projects with no distractions and to top this all off, she had a boyfriend. Not just any boyfriend or a made-up horse trainer, oh no. A real man, who had a thriving career, all his teeth and a cute butt. Not that Amy could see it that often, but while on Video calls with Sheldon, she could often find some reason for him to get up and check on something in the kitchen just to see the little sway of his fine _tuckas_.

Sheldon was doing well, as she knew he would be. He had worked on a number of projects, and she was proud of the fact that he had published a few papers. Their virtual relationship was made for this time. Though their second date had had to be virtual, she thought that it had been amazing. He had set out dinner for two. Her favorite meal, crispy brown Chicken Cordon Bleu, looked delicious and had made her mouth water. He had also played her favorite Neil Diamond songs, set up unlit candles (due to safety reasons and to top it off, a glass of grape juice for Amy, since he had no wine he could steal from Penny. Amy had thought it was the most romantic evening ever.

However, as the month of April made way for May, Sheldon's voice calls had become more frequent, and his video calls at odd hours seemed out of character. She could tell there was something wrong. During one of their video calls, she noticed he had developed a noticeable twitch.

She had tried to discuss this with him, "Sheldon, you are accustomed to a packed social calendar. You and your friends had a standing game night, Paint ball things, movie nights and dinner together. Don't be surprised if you're not doing as well as I am. I'm used to being alone."

"Nonsense." Sheldon leaned forward into the camera and said with a thick Texas accent, "I'm doing just dandy, little lady! Now, let me finish my idea to extend my Fun with Flags podcast to a video show. I call it, Dr. Sheldon Cooper presents, Fun with Flags."

A new project would be just the ticket, she thought as she listened enthralled to his plans. Eager to help, she offered to record his presentation, and send the video to him

"Now that people have to stay at home, they will be eager for something like this. Everyone will want to see that show!"

Sheldon agreed and loved that she was so encouraging. He said, "I know, I don't know how I am going to deal with the hordes of adoring fans. They will want to call themselves some funny name, like Sheldonites, or something."

"Or Flagaketeers."

Sheldon's smile took over his face, and he said, "I love how you get me."

What she had said to Sheldon about being used to being alone, had been true. For all of her adult life she had enjoyed her own company, happily depending on no one but herself. But for some reason now, the complete isolation did grate on her. Thursday sessions were the best time of the week. In fact, she couldn't wait to see Sheldon's face during their next call. She had ordered a costume that she thought would intrigue him. It would be their first video session.

In the meantime, every night, she set up an extra pillow, and put a red Flash shirt on it. Then she'd curl up with it and imagine it was Sheldon snuggling with her. She didn't think anything could be better.

**Sheldon**

He set up his laptop in this bedroom. Amy called right on time for their Thursday night session. This would be their first session on Skype. Sheldon didn't know what she had planned since it was her turn to come up with their fantasy.

He relaxed back on his bed, with his laptop and answered her call with a wide smile. Amy had on thick robe but her hair was up on her head in a beehive. She had applied heavy eye makeup that made her green eyes pop off the screen.

"Good evening, Sheldon." Her kittenish grin meant she was up to something extraordinary. "Or should I say... Mr. Spock." Amy rose off her chair and positioned herself so he could see her all of her. She dropped her robe to the ground and revealed her outfit: A red classic Star Trek uniform, complete with knee-high boots and black tights, just like Uhura. The tight skirt barely covered the top her thighs.

Sheldon let out a whimper and his voice cracked as he said, "Um...how did you find that uniform." Sheldon felt woefully unprepared. He wanted to run to his closet and throw on his Mr. Spock uniform and ears.

Amy twirled around giving a tantalizing view of her round buttocks as the skirt flared out. Sheldon's lip quivered. Amy said, "Amazing what you can get online! Oh, I almost forgot!" Amy went off frame then came back with an authentic tricorder. "I'm not sure how these buttons work. I want to scan for life forms on this planet using the lower EM band. Can you help me?"

A low moan emanated from his lips, just as she touched the display.

Sheldon's rapid breath almost steamed up the monitor. "I can help you with your dials and buttons, and switches..."

Her hands caressed the black device. Her finger tips played delicately with the buttons on the sides, and gently stroked the chrome seams. Her fingers twisted the dial to find the perfect frequency. Amy removed the hand-held multi-module sensor device and blew on the tip to test the speaker. Her mouth parted slightly and she whispered, "Is this right?"

"I have to go." Sheldon slammed his laptop down and ran to his bathroom to take a long shower. When he emerged, he texted Amy, having missed three calls from her during his 45-minute shower.

 _"Forgive me for the interruption_." He wrote.

Amy sent back a heart emoji and then added. _"_ _ **Maybe we shouldn't do our Thursday sessions over video. Perhaps it is too soon for that.**_ _"_

Sheldon may not have been prepared for a video session with such an alluring subject, but seeing her suggestion, he realized that he didn't want to revert back to their old relationship. The quarantine had done enough damage to their dating.

He wrote, _"That seems like devolving. Shouldn't we be moving forward?"_

_"_ _**These sessions are just for your physical release. It's not a part of our relationship's intimacy. We are doing just fine with our current status, in fact, from what you have been telling me, you are doing better than ever before. You're able to concentrate since you haven't any distractions. So maybe we should discontinue these sessions. I'm okay with that suggestion if you are."** _

He called Amy before she suggested any more cockamamie changes to their perfect routine.

"I wanted to explain my abrupt exit from the session. You see... the tricorder you were using was a medical tricorder. Normally not a problem, but you wanted to um... use the lower EM band, and for that you will need a science tricorder. Common mistake."

"I see..." Amy's soft voice sounded like she understood, but she also could be humoring him.

"I have such a tricorder. You can use that, as it is already calibrated for the settings you require." Sheldon offered.

"How, pray tell, would I get this tricorder? Are you going to ship it to me?" Amy had a hint of derision in her voice that he certainly did not appreciate. She knew he hated the post office due to watching people lick stamps, and other unsanitary reasons.

"I have no intention of trusting the UPS with this. I think you will have to come over here to retrieve it."

Amy protested. "That's a bit-"

"In fact, since you and I have been tested-"

"Sheldon, I told you those home-based tests might not be accurate."

"Regardless, you have been self-isolating, as have I. I believe we can make manage this." Sheldon knew he was breaking protocols, in fact he had only recently chastised his friends for proposing the same thing. However, his mind ran through the regulations and found a loophole.

"What about the shelter in place order? The Governor issued -"

Sheldon already knew what she was about to say and he had the answer. "Per executive order N-33-20, essential workers such as behavioral and mental health workers responsible for coordination, outreach, engagement, and treatment to individuals in need of mental health and/or behavioral services are exempt. Since you not having the right tricorder will drive me crazy, this situation applies."

"I see, you memorized the order?" Her nose curled up when she giggled.

"Of course. Besides...you stated you wanted to bring me those Danish cookies from that recipe you translated, and I can give you the tricorder then. We can try again next week."

Amy protested, "But that's our virtual date. I love our dates, I don't want to miss out with for some quick exchange of tricorders. Let's do it the following week." but Sheldon's lightening mind had already thought of that contingency.

"Well, we can do both. Now, let's discuss the decontamination protocols for our date. I believe one of those hazmat suits I asked you pilfer from your lab will come in handy."

###

By the time their date night had arrived, all windows had been sealed shut with plastic visqueen to prevent any pathogen from seeping in from the outside. Not to mention that the entire apartment and every surface had been cleaned with a home based mixture of anti-bacteria soap, Lysol and hand sanitizer. Amy's lab wasn't cleaner than Sheldon's apartment.

His personal safety precautions included a plastic shield plus a hazmat suit that he himself had 'borrowed' from Cal Tech. Under which, he wore his best clothes; a button up stripped shirt and pressed slacks. He had not forgotten about his promise to let Amy borrow his tricorder, which was now disinfected, and placed in a bag after being wrapped three times with bubble wrap.

He heard the knock at his door at precisely 5:30 PM.

Amy had on a full yellow hazmat suit including face shield. He could barely see her eyes through the cloudy visor, but he heard her muffled voice through the plastic, "Hello Sheldon,"

He wanted to hug her, or at least touch her in some way, but he didn't want to break the six-foot distance requirement. Instead he sprayed her suit with Lysol as she shuffled into the room. She had brought with her the medical tricorder, and a tin of Danish cookies that would have to go through quarantine.

Amy bent to sit in the beige chair, but Sheldon cried out, insisting that she sit on the hard chair at the opposite end of the couch so they could maintain a six-foot distance.

Though Amy sat facing forward, whether or not she was actually looking at him he couldn't tell because of her oversized suit. He heard her voice say something but could not make out the words. He saw her shoulders rise and fall as if she had sighed and he watched her pick up her phone.

 _"_ _ **This is nice."**_ She texted him.

 _"Yes. This is much better."_ Sheldon texted back. _"I have taken the liberty of picking a movie for the evening. Given the state of the world and the requirement that our movies be science based, I chose Outbreak. With Dustin Hoffman and Morgan Freeman."_

 _ **"Good Idea. We can criticize the science principals while being terrified with the lack of response to a pandemic and poor funding."**_ Amy texted back. _**"I didn't know you were into comedies."**_ Her suit rippled with her chuckle.

Sheldon started the film.

During the movie Sheldon had to leave the room during the gross parts. He couldn't tell if she was enjoying it or not, but had better manners than to speak during the movie. Then when the person's suit ripped, Amy paused the movie.

 _"_ _ **Lab safety violations are always good comedy**_ _."_ She texted Sheldon and restarted the movie.

As the credits rolled across the screen, Sheldon jumped up eagerly.

"I prepared our meal for the evening." and he showed her the smoothies he had made: First course: Pot roast and carrots pureed into a liquid to be followed by dessert of strawberry and cream. Offering her the first course he held out a deposable long straw that she could slip through a small opening in the suit.

She texted him _, "_ _ **This is silly. I can't put a straw through this opening. It's meant for an oxygen tank. The valve is different**_ _."_

Sheldon didn't agree. He approached her to show her he was right but stopped when he saw through the large face shield that she was wearing Red. A particular Red. Star Fleet Red.

"Amy... are you wearing the uniform underneath your hazmat suit?" He swallowed all the saliva in his mouth and a strange throbbing through his whole body like a pulse of excitement. He drew in three breaths to steady himself.

She didn't answer at first, but curled a kittenish grin up and then said in a husky voice, "I thought it would be fun, since we lost our scheduled night."

He tried to push the straw through her opening suit but his shaking hands couldn't hold it steady. They both froze when they heard a rip.

"This is just like Outbreak." Amy said horrified.

Sheldon backed away from her instinctively covering his mouth with his arm.

"Sheldon! You're fine! Your suit is intact. I'm the only one at risk and you've cleaned this room thoroughly."

"What did you say?"

"I said you're fine!"

"What?" Sheldon yelled through his suit. "It's benign? I didn't think COVID could cause tumors!"

"What rumors?" Amy bellowed. She pulled off her the top of her suit and said, "What rumors?"

Sheldon pulled off his hood and said, "I said tumors!" He yelled, but then froze when he realized what he had done. She matched his wide-eyed stare.

They said nothing for a minute, and then Amy said, "Sheldon. It's probably fine."

"PROBABLY?" he screamed, "Probably didn't help typhoid Mary!" He reached for his Lysol and sprayed the room.

Amy shook her head and as she removed her hazmat suit, she said, "Calculate it. Do it. Now. What's the likelihood we have COVID and we will give it to each other? I'm waiting..." By the time she finished removing all of her protective gear, Sheldon had a number.

"1.5% to 3.5% of the total population of infected...1 in 500 of dying from COVID."

"Now apply that to the population, the likelihood that we have the infection and also factor in that we, wash our hands all the time, use proper protocols, not left home at all, and had regular testing."

The number was too low to mention. The infection rate was that high based on total population. Neither of them had traveled to a hot spot or broken protocol until that moment. Nor were they morons who decided the whole thing was a hoax and went out as if nothing was happening. Amy hadn't even been to a grocery store, and Sheldon knew he was safe. But still there was a minute chance.

Sheldon calculated the odds while Amy continued to remove the entire suit. As she bent over to pull off the final bit he noticed that she had even included the Star Fleet regulation boots. He could barely finish the calculations. Sheldon blinked a few times as he worked through the numbers, and then blurted out, "Quit seducing me with statistics!"

Amy rolled her eyes and said flatly as she sat on the couch, "Sheldon, you and I are the cleanest people I know. I haven't seen another soul in months. I think we're safe." She went to her purse and pulled out a pair of purple latex gloves.

Sheldon thought through her reasoning.

Amy was right; they were the cleanest people he knew. He trusted her to be as clean as his shower, but that only counted as long as he could watch her.

"I concur."

"Good. Now we can finish our date." Amy brushed off her uniform and he could tell she seemed pleased.

Sheldon wondered how long it would be before she was lured into a sense of false security. One slip up, one idiot who didn't want to wear a mask, one moron in Amy's apartment building who went to a party and ignored the required social distancing, and she'd ruin their odds. Worse, what if some stupid politician deems it safe to return to work, and the whole population would be a walking petri dish. Sheldon knew what he had to do. He took off the rest of his hazmat suit and went to his spot on the couch.

"At least we had our date. This is thrilling!" Amy's smile bloomed across her face. "Before we have the next one in June, I will get a COVID test and we can make sure we are safe. Do you agree?"

"No, I do not."

"Oh." Amy slumped her shoulders down and looked away from him.

"We cannot be apart and insure we are clear of the pathogen. The only conclusion is that we shelter in place together."

"TOGETHER? What do you mean?"

"I mean, you need to stay here. For the foreseeable future. Sorry you won't have your lap top, but you can port in using mine as long as you don't look too closely at my browser history. I had no idea searching for "Shampooing a Wookie" would be so scandalous."

"Shampooing a what?" Amy blurted out. Then shaking her head, she said, "Sheldon! I can't stay here! Where would I sleep? What about my clothes? I can't go around wearing my Star Trek Uniform all day!"

Sheldon smirked and bit his lower lip.

Amy restated, "I CANNOT wear this all day!"

"Yes. Well, I think we will have to order you some clothes to be delivered." Sheldon started to think what outfits he could order and wondered if he could get the white Princess Leia costume. Amy's hair would look amazing in twisted cinnamon buns on the side of her face.

Amy looked at Sheldon who for some reason seemed to be having trouble keeping a straight face. He forced his grin away.

"Sheldon, this is crazy."

Sheldon rose off his spot on the couch, and dead bolted the door. He shrugged and said flatly, "Crazy like a very clean, COVID-free fox, I'd say"


	20. First Contact Star Trek Style

Amy

After dinner, and three episodes of some Science Fiction program that seemed just as confusing as Babylon 5, Sheldon and Amy retired to their bedrooms. Amy had been yawning all night, and was hoping to get a good night's sleep, but just as she was about to drift off, she heard a familiar laptop alert.

She fumbled for her glasses, pulled her blanket to her chest and answered the call, "Sheldon? Why are you calling? I'm just in the next room."

For some reason, he was wearing his Spock ears reason. "It's Thursday."

"Yes... I know that. That's why I cooked spaghetti and hot dogs for you."

"I know... delicious by the way, but I mean... it's our...Thursday." He raised his brow similar to how Amy had done earlier when she talked him into holding hands during television shows. He frowned and said, "Are you wearing your uniform under that blanket?"

"Sheldon... I didn't put it on." After she had worn it on the first day, she had hung up, not expecting to wear it until Halloween. Then it finally clicked what he was asking. "Do you want to do one of our sessions?" Amy had thought that he would cancel the sessions as they were now living together however temporarily. Her exhaustion instantly disappeared. An entire pot of coffee could not have woken her up any quicker.

"I don't like our schedule disrupted." Sheldon was obviously determined, and she shuddered at his resolve.

"Um... I need a minute." She tossed off her covers, jumped out of bed, pulled off her nightgown, and threw it into the corner. Standing naked in front of the closet, she donned the uniform, not bothering with zipper, boots and tights. Jumping back into bed she turned back to the screen and noticed a stunned expression.

"Ready." She said proudly.

Sheldon seemed to have a little trouble breathing. He said quietly "I can see that."

"Oh god!" Amy realized he had seen her through the camera. "Um... ignore that part. It'll ruin the moment."

"Hardly, though the lack of boots might." His voice changed to his commanding tone, "Not Star fleet Regulation, Ensign."

Amy purred into the camera, "Well, I was never formally trained on the correct way to wear my uniform. Should it be it like this?" She pulled at the sleeve on her dress revealing her bare shoulder. Sheldon said nothing, his eyes just stared at her and she wondered if she had broken him, but then realized that her screen had frozen.

His face came back to life and then, "Star Fleet...Uniform Code... Dress... Code... legs... Romulan... Delta Quadrant.

"What? I don't understand? Can you repeat that?" The whole screen jumped and then started again in high speed. Between his voice over the computer and what she could hear through the walls, Amy couldn't understand a word.

"Roaming over delta what?"

Sheldon yelled through the walls, "I said, Star Fleet uniform code states all officers need to be in full dress, per code 428. Up to and including leg covering. Unless you want to have a Romulan worm slither up your leg and be sent to the Delta Quadrant for reassignment!"

This is ridiculous. Amy had enough of this miscommunication. She had been beyond thrilled to find that he wanted to continue with the sessions, and was not happy with the current situation. She jumped out of bed and went to Sheldon's room, and without thinking, flung open the door.

Sheldon was in his bed, with his laptop open on top of his blanket He swallowed when he saw her at his door.

"What! I can't understand you because the broadband link keeps breaking up and I am not tapping it all out in Morse code." Her initial frustration disappeared as she swallowed in sudden shyness, realizing she was at Sheldon's door.

Then she started to giggle at the sight of them both, wearing costumes. "Don't you think it's kinda of silly to do this over the internet when we are on the either side of the wall?"

Sheldon

As the door was flung open, Sheldon looked up in shock. His normal Vulcan hearing seemed to have failed him as he looked at Amy. Her was hair mussed from being in bed, and she was glorious in the red Star Fleet uniform, that covered -what he now knew were the naked curves of her very female body. He knew he should have turned away as she dressed in front of her lap top screen, but the hero always peeks, and Spock was a hero after all.

As he stared at her, he felt a sudden shift in his body, almost as if the tectonic plates of the Raymond Fault had moved again.

With difficulty, he dragged his eyes away from the vision in red. Turning to the computer screen in an effort to reorient himself, he smiled and then laughed at what was displayed on there. "Your expression looks as if you had stepped on a wet squirrel."

"What?"

He turned his lap top around and showed her the screen. Her face was blurred and one eye drooped with her mouth wide open. She ran over and slammed the lid shut, before returning to the door.

Sheldon nervously gazed at Amy standing there now looking uncertainly at him. He swallowed again in an effort to regain his voice. "The internet reception must be overloaded with people at home because of the Stay in Place order."

"Must be."

Sheldon's normally razor-sharp mind seemed to have gone on holiday as he stared at her in the door way. He grasped at a recent memory; she had come into his room. Girls weren't allowed in his room without permission. He should scold her, take her over his lap and spank her. But the thought of having her over his lap sent another pang through his body that and couldn't be ignored. Never had he felt the need to touch and be touched so strong as he did at that moment.

"I should ... um." Amy turned to go back to her room.

"Amy, wait"

"Yes?" She turned back around and looked at him expectantly.

"Don't go. Please. Stay." He tapped on his bed. "I guess we could have a different fantasy tonight."

He saw Amy take a deep breath as she moved to the bed and sitting on the side, she turned to face him. "Ok. How do we do this? " Amy asked, with a hint of confusion. She was allowing him to lead this night

Sheldon didn't recognize his own voice, husky and low with a strange yearning. "We can describe things to each other. Like how we would touch each other." He inched over so she would have more room.

Sheldon had scheduled date night kisses. He scheduled intimacy and physical release. He timed their discussions and games. Everything he did to keep order. He had established expectations. However, with her presence on his bed, her creamy thigh peeking through the slit in her short skirt, her messy hair, and haunting eyes, all of it distracted him. He didn't know what he would be able to do, he didn't know what he wanted to do, but what he did know for certain was that he didn't want her to leave. He'd watch Babylon 5 with director commentary just to have Amy inch closer to him.

Amy shivered as if cold, he needed to come up with something. Then his brilliant mind thought up the perfect scenario. He said in a sultry voice, "There is an episode of the Original Series, The Enemy Within. Sulu and a landing party are trapped on a planet due to a transporter malfunction and the temperature gets down to -120 degrees."

"Fahrenheit or Celsius." Amy innocently asked.

"They didn't say." Sheldon was breathless at her question. "But it's rather cold and the phasers used to heat the rock are frozen out. Too cold to be out without a proper uniform." He hesitated and then pulled his blanket back, silently inviting her to join him. Taking a deep breath she slid in and lay down on her side facing him. Though she did not touch him, the feeling of her heat next to him was electrifying.

"We might need to huddle together for warmth." He pulled off her glasses and placed them on the side table.

"Really touch? Or... Just talk about it." Her hands were curled to her chest as if to avoid touching him.

He was so close to her now, he could feel her breath on his neck as he whispered in her ear. "I think we need to be as realistic as possible." He pulled her closer.

He felt her small hands on his chest, her fingers slightly gripping the fabric of his uniform as she hesitantly said "We should expect the Enterprise to beam up any time now."

The warmth of her seemed to spread throughout his body and he shuddered saying, "I need a moment."

He took a few shaky breaths, then wrapping his arm around her shoulder, he held her to his body and he said. ""We should expect the Enterprise to beam us up any time now. Until then, we should stay as close as possible. And do whatever we must to stay warm."

She moved her hands down his chest to his stomach. "They might take a while, given the broken...beaming thing..."

He felt her leg rub against his and he suddenly realized that she would now know he was not wearing any pants. She rose off his chest in surprise. In panic he blurted out, "I had a grape juice stain on the pants. I can't wear a soiled uniform."

"Star Fleet uniform code 438, right?" Amy joked as she wrapped her smooth leg around his. He pulled back, surprised by her action and in an attempt to explain what was becoming painfully obvious. He said, "Um... right. Sorry about that. Vulcan's aren't used to the cold. It must be affecting me. I am unable to practice Kolinahr. Unable to control my impulses."

"Well we will have to find a way to heat you up." Amy ran her hand down his stomach to the edge of his uniform top. Her hand glanced over the top of his hard penis. He whimpered out. She stopped and looked up to Sheldon. "Orders, sir?"

"Engage." He threw his head back into his pillow.

#

Amy

Amy reached down and touched him; only enough of a glancing feel to get used to the size of him. It was just like velvet steel. She heard his breath hitch as she used her two hands to circle his girth. He bucked at her touch, and then moved his hips in time with her strokes.

She had often wondered what Sheldon looked like when they had their sessions. Then all she could hear would be his commanding voice, which would then drop octaves as he moaned in pleasure. A sound that seemed wired to her core. But now all her senses were engaged, as she watched and felt his reaction to her touch. She had never experienced anything so erotic.

As his breath quickened, so did her strokes and she imagined him inside her. Then she felt his body quake as he called out her name. Burying her face in his neck, she breathed in his delicious scent and collapsed onto him.

As his breathing returned to normal she rose off his chest to sit up and made a move to leave his bed but he stopped her.

"Where are you going?" Sitting up with his back to the headboard. he reached over to the side table, picked up some wet wipes and cleaned himself off.

Amy put her glasses back on. She could finally see his face clearly; flushed, his hair tossed and one of his ears was hanging askew. He still had on his blue uniform top and a quizzical expression on his face.

"Back to my room."

Sheldon protested, "The session isn't over."

"Oh, Sheldon. I'm fine." Amy waved it off, but Sheldon's dark pupils and haunting glare told her he had other ideas.

"A woman who says she is fine is lyin'" His accent thickened like gravy as he slid back down on the bed, and lying on his side he lifted the blanket again silently inviting her to join him. Amy popped onto the bed quicker than a starship goes to warp, as Sheldon would say.

"You know. That episode, season 1 episode 6 featured Yeoman Rand. Rodenberry described her as 'very female, disturbingly so...'She had a lot of moxie. Just like you." He sighed out and said a nostalgic voice. "A Moxiful Yeoman."

"A-M-Y." She laughed at the acronym as she lay down facing him. "I guess you are going to get me to like Science Fiction one way or another.

He put his fingers on her temple and cheek which confused Amy. "I am initiating a mind-meld. My mind to your mind. Your thoughts to my thoughts..." He hummed for a moment, and then said, "Now I understand your hesitation."

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "Ensign...the temperature has dropped and we must keep warm regardless of how against protocol this is." He moved his hand from her face and stroked her arm, then up again to her neck and grasped her collar. "Body heat is the only way to stave off this bitter cold." He tugged at her loose dress.

Amy pulled off her dress and threw it against the wall, forgetting she was still wearing her glasses which went with the uniform. Sheldon calmly removed his shirt and pulled her next to his naked warm body. He described the cold so well, she felt herself shiver, as if she were truly trapped on some alien planet, grasping for life and the only source of heat was the warmth of his body.

Keeping in character, he whispered "You need to listen to your Commanding officer, Ensign." as he gently traced his fingers over her hardened nipples. His hand moved from her breasts and caressed her stomach. Then gliding like silk his hand slid between her thighs. "I need to find the warmest spot on you." She whimpered, overwhelmed by his touch, her role play forgotten.

His fingers rubbed and circled her as if he knew exactly how to excite her, stimulate her. Amy quivered at his touch. Every stroke sent ripples through her body. He teased her, he commanded, then after a brief reward, he started again. When she buckled he held her down and made her take it, he controlled her orgasm, her desire. Every last loud orgasmic scream he commanded. He was the commander after all.

Amy collapsed from the third and final orgasm of the night, "And I thought I had a command of the nervous system."

Sheldon let out a husky laugh, and said, "Years of video games... I mean... Tricorder dials. Now you know how important it is to keep your training up on vital equipment." Sheldon kissed her forehead and said softly , "You know, if we watch Star Wars tomorrow, I bet we can come up with something compelling for next week."

"Aye... aye, sir." Amy folded into him, smiling as sleep overtook her.


	21. AMY! Call me!

**Sheldon**

Next Monday, Sheldon started up his daily lunch video chat with Leonard at their scheduled time, but had to wait three minutes for him to join. "Right on time I see."

"Learning sarcasm, I see." Leonard joked.

"Why yes! Amy is giving me lessons." He smiled up at Amy when she brought him a promised sandwich of fried bologna with a touch of mustard on the bottom and a little grape jelly on the top. She had even cut off the crusts for him. He thanked her, and she kissed him on the head. When Sheldon turned back to the camera, both Penny and Leonard were on screen, slacked jawed and wide-eyed.

"What?" Sheldon asked before he took a bite out of his sandwich.

"Is Amy living with you?"

"Oh, did I forget to mention that?" Sheldon mouthed thank you to Amy when she brought him a glass of Strawberry Quik.

"When did this happen?" Penny managed to get out before, raising her voice, "AMY! CALL ME!" Penny's face left screen as Amy scrambled to another room.

Leonard leaned into the camera and asked, "Sheldon, that's a big step. Are you guys ready for that? I mean you've only just met her."

"Don't be silly, Leonard, I've known Amy for almost a year."

"You didn't know her full name for six months!"

"Names don't matter. Unless it's the name on a Scientific Paper or the name of 121st element.'

"The one time I mess up Periodic Bingo! One time!"

Sheldon huffed, he had heard Leonard's excuses before. "Yes, well... a failure we all regret. Now, on to other topics. Have you read the paper I wrote last week? I was thinking Amy and I could publish-"

"Amy helped you write that?"

Sheldon had forgotten how taxing Leonard could be. Amy and he had worked on the paper for weeks. Every waking hour they worked their new idea for the beginnings of Universe's expansion and Leonard couldn't be bothered to look at the first page! "Did you not see the title page? Again, Leonard, names..."

"Sheldon, I'm not done worrying about you and this new relationship."

"That's fair. I still worry about you and Penny."

"That's sweet."

Sheldon wasn't too sure, but he thought Leonard might be being sarcastic. He made a mental note to ask Amy about it.

He said to Leonard, "Anyway, Amy is going to move in permanently, so if anything happens between you and Penny, you're on your own." However, despite his confident assertion, he still hadn't broached the subject with Amy, though Leonard did not need to know that. She had agreed to stay with him until after quarantine was over and given how good this sandwich was, Sheldon hoped quarantine would last forever.

"Amy's going to move in? Sheldon, this is really fast, even for you. I would have thought if you EVER did find a girl, that it would probably take 5 years of dating, before you even kissed, let alone, move in, or write papers together. Next thing you know, you'll be getting married and having kids."

Sheldon smiled through his sandwich and said, after he swallowed, "Why would I wait to kiss Amy for five years? That's crazy. That kinda of stuff only happens on TV shows when they want to string the audience along. Not real life." He tisked at his former roommate and took another bite.

"Well our current situation doesn't feel like real life. The whole country locked down, and then all the unrest and protests. But... there is a little hope...Bernadette was called back to work. They might have a line on a vaccine."

Sheldon choked on the last bite of his sandwich. He hoped for a vaccine sure... everyone did... but not yet, it would mean Amy might move out sooner. He no longer needed another person in the apartment, he had discovered that about himself. It was Amy. He liked the little things about having Amy around. Her fruity shampoo, her little sandwiches. The way she cocked her head when she was thinking about something, her excitement over 70's shows and the way she concentrates when she knits. Things that might have upset him in other situations, or with other people, did not bother him if it was Amy.

"I wouldn't count on any vaccine any time soon, Leonard."

"Always the optimist, Sheldon."

Sheldon smiled and said with pride, "I know. It's my best quality."

"Get more sarcasm lessons from Amy." Leonard hung up. Sheldon cleared away his plate and went to look for Amy. He could hear through her bedroom door that she still speaking to Penny. He thought she said something about wireless vibrations and plush covered handcuffs, but he couldn't be sure.

Sheldon returned to the living room and started a video game, but kept his phone near so he could see if got a text from Amy. He paused his game after about an hour, he went back to the hall, Amy was still giggling and laughing and he thought he heard Bernadette's voice and for some reason, Raj, but again, he couldn't be sure.

He returned to the living room. "Golly, girls sure can talk."

Eventually, Amy came out of her room, wearing a very secretive smile. She went to the kitchen and put some bread in the toaster. Sheldon waited for her to tell him about the phone call, but she said nothing. Instead, she started humming and buttered the toast when it popped up.

"Alright... What are you up to, little lady."

"What do you mean?"

"Smiling, laughing... humming? This is Penny's doing. What do you have planned?"

"No plans, we've just had a nice group video call. That's all. Raj gave me a good idea."

Sheldon waited for Amy to go into more detail, but she just bit on a corner of toast and then licked her lips of crumbs as she looked at him. Then pulling her phone out of her pocket and texted him.

 _ **"I just heard of a new science fiction show that's like a western**_ _."_ She sent a picture of the Inara, the main sexy character from Firefly. She included a link on Amazon for a costume. A red low-cut dress with a gold bodice that he knew Amy would look amazing in.

Sheldon fumbled with his phone as he texted back. "Like Firefly? You want to try Firefly for our next Session?" He looked up and waited for her to respond as he crossed his legs and hoped she would not notice the effect the suggestion had had on him.

She didn't take her eyes off him as she texted, a skill he had yet to master. She smirked when she finished her text and put her phone back in her pocket, turned around and headed to the bedroom.

 _ **"I think this is very intriguing, don't you?"**_ She quoted the background to the character. "... _we started training at twelve, years of discipline and preparation before the physical act of pleasure was even mentioned. Control was the first lesson, and the last._ _"_

Sheldon whimpered and immediately ordered the Inara costume for rush shipment.

A few minutes later, Raj sent him a winky emoji icon. He hit the like button.

Their intimacy sessions continued, becoming more heated, more intense and unlike their date nights, Sheldon didn't need to codify kissing, since it might depend upon the scenario requirement, but more often than not, he found a way to fit the practice in.

The session based on Guardians of the Galaxy where they had had cover each other in protective lotions in order to attack Thanos wasn't his best plan, but the session continued in the shower which was inspired, if he did say so himself. He loved how Amy's interest in science fiction fueled each session and she didn't complain when he chose the media, since he always called it "research." When he said he wanted to do a session based on Westworld, Amy jumped at the chance, and hand-made her costume in Western garb.

Sheldon loved sleeping with Amy every Thursday night, and waking next to her warm body. However, they had yet to have coitus. He was waiting for a special day to gift Amy his genitals, and Amy didn't seem to mind the delay.

In July they were invited to a live streamed wedding. Raj and the baker woman were married in a crazy Elvis wedding in Vegas, including a car and an off-key serenade by the King of Rock. Sheldon was disappointed that the wedding took place on their scheduled July date night, but Amy was thrilled that she had been invited, and even insisted on wearing a bridesmaid's dress even though they couldn't attend personally.

Raj had never looked happier with his extra 20 pounds from too much cake and a bride who oozed smiles like frosting. Sheldon realized that Raj was the last of his friends to marry and he was pleased that his friend had finally found someone to share his life with. But for some reason he found himself in a state of anxiety. He reasoned that it must be because Raj's wedding had thrown off his schedule.

As their scheduled date night had been interrupted, Sheldon agreed, exceptionally, to reschedule it for the following week. Amy had instructed that he had to arrange something that didn't involve science fiction. He told Amy that her restrictions of "No science Fiction mumbo jumbo" on date night was unreasonable, and suggested they alternate who decided what they would do. Amy agreed, but stated that arrangements for this date night was still his responsibility.

Two days before the night in question he was still struggling to come up with something romantic to do in the apartment. Date night for him meant wearing nice clothes, having dinner in an overpriced restaurant, and according to the internet, some kind of unexpected event. Sheldon hated unexpected events. He just wanted his spaghetti and hot dogs and sit with Amy. He'd even watch her silly Little House on the Prairie show just to get out of this obligation. But this was their first real in-person date night and he wanted to make it special. He did not want to count the hazmat suit incident – he thought that best forgotten.

So for dinner, he decided to cook chicken-fried bison because who doesn't love meat fried like chicken. He was wearing his nice clothes, and then he noticed a spot on his favorite striped shirt. He made a quick visit to the bathroom to work on the stain as the oil warmed up in the pan. And, even though you could not see anything through the Visqueen, he had moved Amy's workstation from the platform overlooking the Pasadena City Hall dome so that he could take her dancing there for the "Special event'. They could only do four by four square dancing but that was better than nothing.

The fire alarm disturbed his cleaning routine. He ran to the kitchen at the same time as Amy, who was already dressed for the evening in a pretty dress with pink and white flowers on. The oil had caught the pan on fire; he doused the fire with the water for the pasta, spattering grease on the shirt he had just cleaned. Amy ripped the Visqueen off and threw open the window to let the smoke out.

"Boy! That was exciting." she laughed, but Sheldon wasn't amused.

"I need a new shirt."

"You need a whole new outfit. You go change into your most comfortable clothes and I will start on a new dinner.'

"But Amy, its date night." He protested. He wanted to give her something special and his favorite clothes were not special.

"Exactly. Date night should be fun for both of us. Not torture. Now go on, or those stains will set."

Sheldon went to his room and changed into his Flash red shirt and new pants. He left the clothes in the tub with soap to soak, and by the time he came back to the kitchen to start a new dinner, the room was smoke-free and the wafting smell of tomato sauce and fried hot dogs replaced that of burned grease.

Amy turned around with a big plate of his favorite food and a smile just as wide, but Sheldon didn't return it. "I'm sorry date night is ruined."

"Nonsense. This is great. And you made a good choice on that shirt since any sauce you might spill won't show up." She offered him a glass of grape juice but he turned it down. For now.

"Are we going to eat up there?" Sheldon noticed she had moved her workstation table back to the landing with two chairs. "We need to re-Visqueen the window."

"Let's leave that off for now. It's so nice to see outside and it will be like being in a restaurant. Besides which we need fresh air."

Sheldon groused but she was right, they did need to recycle the air in the apartment. He just hoped COVID wasn't transmitted by air.

They ate dinner overlooking the city lights. Amy poured him a glass of his favorite grape juice, and she had a sip of wine. He had never eaten on the landing before, but he didn't want her to get any ideas about having this as a permanent arrangement.

"Don't worry. I don't think you should have a dining table up here. That might cause us to break up." She giggled and took another sip of her wine.

"Breaking up over a table? What hokum." Sheldon laughed and added, "I was going suggest we dance up here."

"Dancing is nice, maybe next month. For now, I'd just like to sit up here and look out over the city." Amy cleared the plates away and moved the chairs so that they were both facing the window. They sat quietly, just staring at a city and lights below. She reached out and held his hand for a moment. "This is nice."

"It is..." Sheldon admitted.

"We should do this every date night." She said as she stared out the window with the happy face he loved.

"You mean that?"

Amy sat up and thought for a second, "Yes. I mean, date night is just about being together. Just being with you, no TV, no distractions. This is romantic to me. I know you like that dinner, and it's not like we can go out because of COVID. I can make that for us every date night, it can be just like our Thursday routine."

"Are you just trying to get out next month's plans because you have nothing?"

"I have a plan, so if you want to dress in Victorian clothes, with a dinner of pickled oysters followed by Squeak Piggy Squeak, I'm down." Amy shrugged and then snickered under her breath.

Sheldon squeezed her hand, "No... you're right. This is perfect."

They watched the city for a while, and soon the alarm sounded for Date night to be over. Sheldon walked her to her room, and gave her a kiss good night. She said it was the best date night she had ever had and just to push the rules, she kissed him again on the cheek before she closed her door.

Sheldon dressed for bed, and lay staring at the ceiling, but could not sleep. The disruption to his plans must have caused his distress. Or maybe the change in the schedule disturbed him because tonight should have been another session, not date night. He wanted to text Amy, but just as he was about to pick up his phone, he saw the alert for an incoming text.

_**"You can't sleep."** _

_"No."_

_**"I really didn't want bison."**_ Amy texted back. _"_ _ **I know change is upsetting to you."**_

_"I don't think it's that. I think its other things."_

_**"Our sessions."**_ She had guessed right, though he didn't want to admit it.

_"Possibly."_

He heard the door of her room open and then Amy's voice at the door, "Can I come in?"

"Yes." He sat up and greeted her. She sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand. "I bet we could come up with a session, if you like."

"Maybe..." He pulled down the covers for her to join him on the bed. She climbed in and she curled up next to him, as she often did after a heated session. No physical release was needed. Tonight he just wanted to be with her, to have her body close to him.

He laid back, with her on his chest and his arm around her. Then said, in a whisper, as if he couldn't censor his thoughts around her, "You know... I could have my collectible room back if we shared a room."

Amy said nothing, as if the decision was all his. But gave a satisfied sigh on his chest, "Whatever you wish." And drifted off to sleep.

**AMY**

She had loved sleeping with him on Thursdays, especially when he dreamed. As he slept, she sometimes heard him work through a problem, or better, he would say something naughty and she knew he was thinking of their intimacy sessions. So, when he had suggested they move their rooms together, she had jumped at the chance. Their intimacy sessions, were heavenly, their monthly date night was like icing on the cake, but to be able to sleep in his arms and wake up next to him, was like sprinkles on the icing of the perfect cake.

The following weekend, after Sheldon had made room for Amy's stuff in his room and moved all his little toys back in the spare room, Amy woke with Sheldon cuddled into her like a cat. She stretched out and turned over on to her side to get up, but Sheldon held onto her, and pulled her back into his arms with a groan, and told her to stop moving the flux capacitor.

After Sheldon mumbled something about getting 'Marty to the Clock Tower', he tossed on his side and Amy was able to make her escape.

She showered, dressed and started breakfast before she heard Sheldon stumble down the hall. "Amy? You let me sleep too long."

"You were up late with your Friday Star Trek game."

Sheldon corrected her, "Star Wars and yes... Leonard and Howard were terrible and Raj was distracted with some kind of brownie making nonsense. I had to carry the whole team."

"Hence why I made your favorite." Amy placed a plate of pancakes in front of him in the shape of the Mandelbrot set of fractals. A little fat blob of dough like a peach with a small bit on the side, and Sheldon loved them. Not the complicated structure of a true fractal, but Sheldon didn't care about accuracy when he came to breakfast food, especially pancakes.

"Fractal cakes! my favorite. You're the best, Amy." He took a huge bite and then curled up the side of his mouth, with a drip of syrup on his lips, he said, "So, you're in a randy mood."

"I don't see how you can equate the Mandelbrot set to a woman's buttocks, but that was not my intention." She wiped the side of his mouth with a napkin. "I just wanted to do something nice." As she cleaned the kitchen, she didn't notice Sheldon had come up behind her. She turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin.

Sheldon put his hands on her waist and pulled her roughly close to him. "You don't understand how complex numbers with regular intervals can equate to a perfect figure? Repeating patterns curves and..." He leaned down and kissed her. Unscheduled and unprompted, and the best kiss she had ever felt on her lips from a man who outdid himself on a regular basis. The taste of maple syrup mixed with his minty toothpaste and Amy nearly melted like hot batter in his arms.

Sheldon pulled away, but kept his hands on her hips, and smiled as he looked down at her.

"I love you." The words escaped her. She held her chest with one hand and her mouth the other. She wanted to pull them back. They had never said those exact words, though she had felt them for months and had almost told him when he had turned up at the circuit dating event. However, instead of dismissing the words as a symptom of hormones as she feared, Sheldon plucked them out of the air and gave them back to her, with a larger smile.

"I love you, too." He said it, as if it was the easiest thing in the world for him. As if he had those words on his tongue for months, and he just needed an excuse to say them. He leaned down and kissed her again.


	22. Calling your Bluff

**Sheldon**

Next Monday, Sheldon started up his daily lunch video chat with Leonard at their scheduled time, but had to wait three minutes for him to join. "Right on time I see."

"Learning sarcasm, I see." Leonard joked.

"Why yes! Amy is giving me lessons." He smiled up at Amy when she brought him a promised sandwich of fried bologna with a touch of mustard on the bottom and a little grape jelly on the top. She had even cut off the crusts for him. He thanked her, and she kissed him on the head. When Sheldon turned back to the camera, both Penny and Leonard were on screen, slacked jawed and wide-eyed.

"What?" Sheldon asked before he took a bite out of his sandwich.

"Is Amy living with you?"

"Oh, did I forget to mention that?" Sheldon mouthed thank you to Amy when she brought him a glass of Strawberry Quik.

"When did this happen?" Penny managed to get out before, raising her voice, "AMY! CALL ME!" Penny's face left screen as Amy scrambled to another room.

Leonard leaned into the camera and asked, "Sheldon, that's a big step. Are you guys ready for that? I mean you've only just met her."

"Don't be silly, Leonard, I've known Amy for almost a year."

"You didn't know her full name for six months!"

"Names don't matter. Unless it's the name on a Scientific Paper or the name of 121st element.'

"The one time I mess up Periodic Bingo! One time!"

Sheldon huffed, he had heard Leonard's excuses before. "Yes, well... a failure we all regret. Now, on to other topics. Have you read the paper I wrote last week? I was thinking Amy and I could publish-"

"Amy helped you write that?"

Sheldon had forgotten how taxing Leonard could be. Amy and he had worked on the paper for weeks. Every waking hour they worked their new idea for the beginnings of Universe's expansion and Leonard couldn't be bothered to look at the first page! "Did you not see the title page? Again, Leonard, names..."

"Sheldon, I'm not done worrying about you and this new relationship."

"That's fair. I still worry about you and Penny."

"That's sweet."

Sheldon wasn't too sure, but he thought Leonard might be being sarcastic. He made a mental note to ask Amy about it.

He said to Leonard, "Anyway, Amy is going to move in permanently, so if anything happens between you and Penny, you're on your own." However, despite his confident assertion, he still hadn't broached the subject with Amy, though Leonard did not need to know that. She had agreed to stay with him until after quarantine was over and given how good this sandwich was, Sheldon hoped quarantine would last forever.

"Amy's going to move in? Sheldon, this is really fast, even for you. I would have thought if you EVER did find a girl, that it would probably take 5 years of dating, before you even kissed, let alone, move in, or write papers together. Next thing you know, you'll be getting married and having kids."

Sheldon smiled through his sandwich and said, after he swallowed, "Why would I wait to kiss Amy for five years? That's crazy. That kinda of stuff only happens on TV shows when they want to string the audience along. Not real life." He tisked at his former roommate and took another bite.

"Well our current situation doesn't feel like real life. The whole country locked down, and then all the unrest and protests. But... there is a little hope...Bernadette was called back to work. They might have a line on a vaccine."

Sheldon choked on the last bite of his sandwich. He hoped for a vaccine sure... everyone did... but not yet, it would mean Amy might move out sooner. He no longer needed another person in the apartment, he had discovered that about himself. It was Amy. He liked the little things about having Amy around. Her fruity shampoo, her little sandwiches. The way she cocked her head when she was thinking about something, her excitement over 70's shows and the way she concentrates when she knits. Things that might have upset him in other situations, or with other people, did not bother him if it was Amy.

"I wouldn't count on any vaccine any time soon, Leonard."

"Always the optimist, Sheldon."

Sheldon smiled and said with pride, "I know. It's my best quality."

"Get more sarcasm lessons from Amy." Leonard hung up. Sheldon cleared away his plate and went to look for Amy. He could hear through her bedroom door that she still speaking to Penny. He thought she said something about wireless vibrations and plush covered handcuffs, but he couldn't be sure.

Sheldon returned to the living room and started a video game, but kept his phone near so he could see if got a text from Amy. He paused his game after about an hour, he went back to the hall, Amy was still giggling and laughing and he thought he heard Bernadette's voice and for some reason, Raj, but again, he couldn't be sure.

He returned to the living room. "Golly, girls sure can talk."

Eventually, Amy came out of her room, wearing a very secretive smile. She went to the kitchen and put some bread in the toaster. Sheldon waited for her to tell him about the phone call, but she said nothing. Instead, she started humming and buttered the toast when it popped up.

"Alright... What are you up to, little lady."

"What do you mean?"

"Smiling, laughing... humming? This is Penny's doing. What do you have planned?"

"No plans, we've just had a nice group video call. That's all. Raj gave me a good idea."

Sheldon waited for Amy to go into more detail, but she just bit on a corner of toast and then licked her lips of crumbs as she looked at him. Then pulling her phone out of her pocket and texted him.

 _ **"I just heard of a new science fiction show that's like a western**_ _."_ She sent a picture of the Inara, the main sexy character from Firefly. She included a link on Amazon for a costume. A red low-cut dress with a gold bodice that he knew Amy would look amazing in.

Sheldon fumbled with his phone as he texted back. "Like Firefly? You want to try Firefly for our next Session?" He looked up and waited for her to respond as he crossed his legs and hoped she would not notice the effect the suggestion had had on him.

She didn't take her eyes off him as she texted, a skill he had yet to master. She smirked when she finished her text and put her phone back in her pocket, turned around and headed to the bedroom.

 _ **"I think this is very intriguing, don't you?"**_ She quoted the background to the character. "... _we started training at twelve, years of discipline and preparation before the physical act of pleasure was even mentioned. Control was the first lesson, and the last._ _"_

Sheldon whimpered and immediately ordered the Inara costume for rush shipment.

A few minutes later, Raj sent him a winky emoji icon. He hit the like button.

Their intimacy sessions continued, becoming more heated, more intense and unlike their date nights, Sheldon didn't need to codify kissing, since it might depend upon the scenario requirement, but more often than not, he found a way to fit the practice in.

The session based on Guardians of the Galaxy where they had had cover each other in protective lotions in order to attack Thanos wasn't his best plan, but the session continued in the shower which was inspired, if he did say so himself. He loved how Amy's interest in science fiction fueled each session and she didn't complain when he chose the media, since he always called it "research." When he said he wanted to do a session based on Westworld, Amy jumped at the chance, and hand-made her costume in Western garb.

Sheldon loved sleeping with Amy every Thursday night, and waking next to her warm body. However, they had yet to have coitus. He was waiting for a special day to gift Amy his genitals, and Amy didn't seem to mind the delay.

In July they were invited to a live streamed wedding. Raj and the baker woman were married in a crazy Elvis wedding in Vegas, including a car and an off-key serenade by the King of Rock. Sheldon was disappointed that the wedding took place on their scheduled July date night, but Amy was thrilled that she had been invited, and even insisted on wearing a bridesmaid's dress even though they couldn't attend personally.

Raj had never looked happier with his extra 20 pounds from too much cake and a bride who oozed smiles like frosting. Sheldon realized that Raj was the last of his friends to marry and he was pleased that his friend had finally found someone to share his life with. But for some reason he found himself in a state of anxiety. He reasoned that it must be because Raj's wedding had thrown off his schedule.

As their scheduled date night had been interrupted, Sheldon agreed, exceptionally, to reschedule it for the following week. Amy had instructed that he had to arrange something that didn't involve science fiction. He told Amy that her restrictions of "No science Fiction mumbo jumbo" on date night was unreasonable, and suggested they alternate who decided what they would do. Amy agreed, but stated that arrangements for this date night was still his responsibility.

Two days before the night in question he was still struggling to come up with something romantic to do in the apartment. Date night for him meant wearing nice clothes, having dinner in an overpriced restaurant, and according to the internet, some kind of unexpected event. Sheldon hated unexpected events. He just wanted his spaghetti and hot dogs and sit with Amy. He'd even watch her silly Little House on the Prairie show just to get out of this obligation. But this was their first real in-person date night and he wanted to make it special. He did not want to count the hazmat suit incident – he thought that best forgotten.

So for dinner, he decided to cook chicken-fried bison because who doesn't love meat fried like chicken. He was wearing his nice clothes, and then he noticed a spot on his favorite striped shirt. He made a quick visit to the bathroom to work on the stain as the oil warmed up in the pan. And, even though you could not see anything through the Visqueen, he had moved Amy's workstation from the platform overlooking the Pasadena City Hall dome so that he could take her dancing there for the "Special event'. They could only do four by four square dancing but that was better than nothing.

The fire alarm disturbed his cleaning routine. He ran to the kitchen at the same time as Amy, who was already dressed for the evening in a pretty dress with pink and white flowers on. The oil had caught the pan on fire; he doused the fire with the water for the pasta, spattering grease on the shirt he had just cleaned. Amy ripped the Visqueen off and threw open the window to let the smoke out.

"Boy! That was exciting." she laughed, but Sheldon wasn't amused.

"I need a new shirt."

"You need a whole new outfit. You go change into your most comfortable clothes and I will start on a new dinner.'

"But Amy, its date night." He protested. He wanted to give her something special and his favorite clothes were not special.

"Exactly. Date night should be fun for both of us. Not torture. Now go on, or those stains will set."

Sheldon went to his room and changed into his Flash red shirt and new pants. He left the clothes in the tub with soap to soak, and by the time he came back to the kitchen to start a new dinner, the room was smoke-free and the wafting smell of tomato sauce and fried hot dogs replaced that of burned grease.

Amy turned around with a big plate of his favorite food and a smile just as wide, but Sheldon didn't return it. "I'm sorry date night is ruined."

"Nonsense. This is great. And you made a good choice on that shirt since any sauce you might spill won't show up." She offered him a glass of grape juice but he turned it down. For now.

"Are we going to eat up there?" Sheldon noticed she had moved her workstation table back to the landing with two chairs. "We need to re-Visqueen the window."

"Let's leave that off for now. It's so nice to see outside and it will be like being in a restaurant. Besides which we need fresh air."

Sheldon groused but she was right, they did need to recycle the air in the apartment. He just hoped COVID wasn't transmitted by air.

They ate dinner overlooking the city lights. Amy poured him a glass of his favorite grape juice, and she had a sip of wine. He had never eaten on the landing before, but he didn't want her to get any ideas about having this as a permanent arrangement.

"Don't worry. I don't think you should have a dining table up here. That might cause us to break up." She giggled and took another sip of her wine.

"Breaking up over a table? What hokum." Sheldon laughed and added, "I was going suggest we dance up here."

"Dancing is nice, maybe next month. For now, I'd just like to sit up here and look out over the city." Amy cleared the plates away and moved the chairs so that they were both facing the window. They sat quietly, just staring at a city and lights below. She reached out and held his hand for a moment. "This is nice."

"It is..." Sheldon admitted.

"We should do this every date night." She said as she stared out the window with the happy face he loved.

"You mean that?"

Amy sat up and thought for a second, "Yes. I mean, date night is just about being together. Just being with you, no TV, no distractions. This is romantic to me. I know you like that dinner, and it's not like we can go out because of COVID. I can make that for us every date night, it can be just like our Thursday routine."

"Are you just trying to get out next month's plans because you have nothing?"

"I have a plan, so if you want to dress in Victorian clothes, with a dinner of pickled oysters followed by Squeak Piggy Squeak, I'm down." Amy shrugged and then snickered under her breath.

Sheldon squeezed her hand, "No... you're right. This is perfect."

They watched the city for a while, and soon the alarm sounded for Date night to be over. Sheldon walked her to her room, and gave her a kiss good night. She said it was the best date night she had ever had and just to push the rules, she kissed him again on the cheek before she closed her door.

Sheldon dressed for bed, and lay staring at the ceiling, but could not sleep. The disruption to his plans must have caused his distress. Or maybe the change in the schedule disturbed him because tonight should have been another session, not date night. He wanted to text Amy, but just as he was about to pick up his phone, he saw the alert for an incoming text.

_**"You can't sleep."** _

_"No."_

_**"I really didn't want bison."**_ Amy texted back. _"_ _ **I know change is upsetting to you."**_

_"I don't think it's that. I think its other things."_

_**"Our sessions."**_ She had guessed right, though he didn't want to admit it.

_"Possibly."_

He heard the door of her room open and then Amy's voice at the door, "Can I come in?"

"Yes." He sat up and greeted her. She sat on the edge of the bed and held his hand. "I bet we could come up with a session, if you like."

"Maybe..." He pulled down the covers for her to join him on the bed. She climbed in and she curled up next to him, as she often did after a heated session. No physical release was needed. Tonight he just wanted to be with her, to have her body close to him.

He laid back, with her on his chest and his arm around her. Then said, in a whisper, as if he couldn't censor his thoughts around her, "You know... I could have my collectible room back if we shared a room."

Amy said nothing, as if the decision was all his. But gave a satisfied sigh on his chest, "Whatever you wish." And drifted off to sleep.

**AMY**

She had loved sleeping with him on Thursdays, especially when he dreamed. As he slept, she sometimes heard him work through a problem, or better, he would say something naughty and she knew he was thinking of their intimacy sessions. So, when he had suggested they move their rooms together, she had jumped at the chance. Their intimacy sessions, were heavenly, their monthly date night was like icing on the cake, but to be able to sleep in his arms and wake up next to him, was like sprinkles on the icing of the perfect cake.

The following weekend, after Sheldon had made room for Amy's stuff in his room and moved all his little toys back in the spare room, Amy woke with Sheldon cuddled into her like a cat. She stretched out and turned over on to her side to get up, but Sheldon held onto her, and pulled her back into his arms with a groan, and told her to stop moving the flux capacitor.

After Sheldon mumbled something about getting 'Marty to the Clock Tower', he tossed on his side and Amy was able to make her escape.

She showered, dressed and started breakfast before she heard Sheldon stumble down the hall. "Amy? You let me sleep too long."

"You were up late with your Friday Star Trek game."

Sheldon corrected her, "Star Wars and yes... Leonard and Howard were terrible and Raj was distracted with some kind of brownie making nonsense. I had to carry the whole team."

"Hence why I made your favorite." Amy placed a plate of pancakes in front of him in the shape of the Mandelbrot set of fractals. A little fat blob of dough like a peach with a small bit on the side, and Sheldon loved them. Not the complicated structure of a true fractal, but Sheldon didn't care about accuracy when he came to breakfast food, especially pancakes.

"Fractal cakes! my favorite. You're the best, Amy." He took a huge bite and then curled up the side of his mouth, with a drip of syrup on his lips, he said, "So, you're in a randy mood."

"I don't see how you can equate the Mandelbrot set to a woman's buttocks, but that was not my intention." She wiped the side of his mouth with a napkin. "I just wanted to do something nice." As she cleaned the kitchen, she didn't notice Sheldon had come up behind her. She turned around and nearly jumped out of her skin.

Sheldon put his hands on her waist and pulled her roughly close to him. "You don't understand how complex numbers with regular intervals can equate to a perfect figure? Repeating patterns curves and..." He leaned down and kissed her. Unscheduled and unprompted, and the best kiss she had ever felt on her lips from a man who outdid himself on a regular basis. The taste of maple syrup mixed with his minty toothpaste and Amy nearly melted like hot batter in his arms.

Sheldon pulled away, but kept his hands on her hips, and smiled as he looked down at her.

"I love you." The words escaped her. She held her chest with one hand and her mouth the other. She wanted to pull them back. They had never said those exact words, though she had felt them for months and had almost told him when he had turned up at the circuit dating event. However, instead of dismissing the words as a symptom of hormones as she feared, Sheldon plucked them out of the air and gave them back to her, with a larger smile.

"I love you, too." He said it, as if it was the easiest thing in the world for him. As if he had those words on his tongue for months, and he just needed an excuse to say them. He leaned down and kissed her again.


	23. Answer the Call

**Amy and Sheldon**

Over the next month, after hard-won negotiations, and a few heated arguments about the thermostat setting in relation to the transmission of COVID, Sheldon and Amy relaxed some of their stringent protocols in maintaining the apartment as a "clean room environment." They had taken the visqueen off all the windows by July and Sheldon had resumed his weekly visits to the laundry room of the building, though he still insisted on wearing his old hazmat suit. At least now he could wash their new costumes on a gentle cycle.

They had regular dinners with the gang, via Skype. Amy joked it was like the Brady Bunch, with the different screens. The intellectual salon of 4A progressed and expanded with Amy's addition. She brought a much-needed reasoned voice to the group conversations, especially as she always agreed with Sheldon.

The other members of their gang had relaxed their isolation routines, having in-person meetups with each other on a limited basis; once at Raj's new home for an outside BBQ and another time at a park, all with social distance guidelines. However, Sheldon was adamant that he and Amy could not stop their shelter in place. He had no intention of letting the chaos of the outside world enter their perfect sanctuary. And so, Sheldon and Amy sequestered in the apartment with no physical contact with anyone for months; safe from the raging pandemic outside.

However, all was not perfect in their little world. Amy still worried about her apartment. It had been over 4 months since she had been home and she was concerned about it being overrun by dust bunnies. She also hoped that the electricity was still working as she feared what would welcome her when she opened the ice box of her fridge. But mainly she missed going out with the girls. She had only done so a few times, and they were treasured experiences that she wanted to continue.

But as Sheldon argued. He missed trips to the train store, and if they couldn't even go get a haircut, how could she safely leave the apartment for a girl's night. Amy begrudgingly agreed.

In fact, Amy's hair had grown past her hips and Sheldon's looked like Einstein. Amy refused point-blank to attempt a home cut, after pointing out, that if she missed his hair and cut off his ear there would be a bit of a problem, though she did add that she would be more than happy to attempt to sew it back on. Sheldon reluctantly gave up the argument and embraced his new emo rock star look. Amy smiled inwardly at her success as she loved his flowing locks and included a few of her favorite romance novel plots in their sessions. Sheldon wasn't as intrigued by those plot lines, but he made up for in his own scenarios, including a thrilling session with Princess Leia escaping Jabba the Hutt, being rescued, of course by the dashing, long-haired Han Solo.

So, July merged into August. Amy had long given up on bargaining to leave the apartment and all was harmonious again in their isolation. Then on August 31st Sheldon's bubble was burst when he read that California had issued a "Blueprint for a Safer Economy". The governor had lifted restrictions and some businesses including barbershops were allowed to open. Amy was working at what used to be Leonard's workstation and had been typing away on a new proposal for a grant and as she was in the zone, he hoped that she had not seen the announcement, because he realized that now there was no reason for her to stay with him. In a panic, he disconnected the Wi-Fi in an effort to prevent her from seeing the news.

Amy leaned into her computer frowning, "Sheldon. The internet is down."

"Strange...I wonder if there is some outage." Sheldon fiddled with the router as if shaking it would start it up like an old pickup truck. "Yep, it's out."

Amy swiveled in her chair and crossed her legs. She brought her teacup to her lips and glared at him, "Strange... It's almost as if they don't want people to do their jobs, or have any connection to the outside world. "

"Well... you know those Russian bots, Amy. They have their hands in everything…" Sheldon coughed to stop his twitching and went to the kitchen to start making her lunch. He hoped a fried bacon tomato sandwich would quell her, but the food never could quash the curiosity of Amy Farrah Fowler.

Amy pulled out her phone and fiddled with the screen.

"Whacha doing?" He asked innocently.

"Checking the news to see if there is anything about an internet outage."

Drats. He forgot she could get on the internet on her phone. Sheldon dropped the bread on the cutting board and ran over to Amy. "I'm ... um sure, it's nothing. Just a local thing..." He tried to snatch her phone, but she pulled it back. Sheldon rambled, "I was always complaining about the internet to Leonard. In fact, I tried to get him to pay for high speed. Time Warner Cable is the worst."

Amy typed out a message as she glared at him, and put her phone away. Sheldon heard a beep. He checked his phone and saw that Amy had sent him a news link to the lifted restrictions. She shook her head, "Sheldon... they've issued new orders. Is that what you didn't want me to see?"

Sheldon quickly scanned the orders looking for any loophole. Then smiled and showed her his phone, "Look... it says here... Limit activities that are known to increase virus spread (like singing, shouting and heavy breathing)." Sheldon smirked as he declared, "You and I have engaged in a lot of heavy breathing. We can't risk giving people the virus due to our intimacy sessions. That's just selfish Amy."

"We could just… you know…stop our sessions?" She curled her mouth to the side to hide her smirk. She'd rather knit rat entrails with 2mm needles.

Sheldon rolled his eyes at her obvious joke. "Not happening."

"Sheldon..." She said calmly, in a voice she used when she was about to make a good point and educate Sheldon on something. He hated that voice because it was always right. Just like now. "I think I can go back to my apartment."

"I see..." He returned to the kitchen to finish lunch.

"I need to check on my things. I don't know if my neighbor has been watering my plants. God knows how much mail might have piled up."

"Right... I understand." Sheldon buttered the bread and started the stove to grill her sandwich. Probably the last sandwich he'd make her. He knew it wasn't rational, but he feared she'd be gone by end of the day, sleeping in her own bed. Their intimacy sessions would be back to virtual. Late-night texts and calls instead of talks before bed. He could handle it. He'd be fine. He was fine when Leonard moved out of the apartment and then moved away. He was fine when Professor Proton died. He'd be fine… Just fine. Sheldon looked down at her sandwich. He had put the uncooked bacon on the bread and put the tomatoes in the toaster. He gave up and sat on at his computer to fix the Wi-Fi. Amy went to the kitchen, he thought to fix her own lunch. Instead, she brought him a glass of Strawberry Quik and placed her hand on his shoulder. He reached up and held it, but he couldn't look at her.

"I know you don't like change." She said with an understanding he'd miss.

"I don't."

He'd miss her knowing exactly what he was thinking. She had been the one thing he could be sure of during this unsure time. He downed the glass of milk like a shot of whiskey for liquid courage. Sheldon wiped his mouth and breathed out before he finally looked up at her. He had to accept change.

She opened her mouth about to say something. Her soft smile and kind eyes nearly broke his heart. He couldn't bear to hear the words he knew were coming so he quickly said, "You can move out tomorrow"

She snapped her hand away. "Move out?" She backed into the counter. "Of course... I understand. I mean… of course. I should get back to my routine. I have the half finish tea cozies… my plants… I have… brains in the freezer. "

Sheldon rose off his chair and reached for her hands, but she went around the island to avoid him. She looked around the apartment as if for an escape, and then ran to the bedroom.

Sheldon ran after her and had the door hit him in the nose. "Amy... Amy ... Amy... "

"I'm getting dressed, please leave me alone."

Sheldon slowly opened the door and poked his nose in, "Amy… you're already dressed… I want to—"

Amy slammed the door again on his face. "I need some privacy. I don't get a second to myself. I just need a minute alone! Is that too much to ask!?"

Amy had snapped at him before for privacy, but not like this.

Sheldon shuffled off to the living room like a slapped kitten. He sat in his spot and looked around the room. Their work was scribbled on every whiteboard in the house. He had left an empty spot on the sideboard for the Nobel. She had placed her books of English romance next to his set of Lord of the Rings. Knitting projects in a basket next to his Lego Death Star. The landing was still set up with the table for the monthly date night with a candle from the previous Thursday. He had made a new reality with her. He didn't want to go back to his old existence. He walked down the hall and stood outside their door. Instead of trying to enter again, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone to text her.

" _Can I talk to you?"_

" _ **I'm packing. I'm not going to take all these costumes."**_

" _Leave them."_

" _ **I'll have the Nancy Drew books I've ordered redelivered to my apartment, but in case they don't change the address in time, please reject the delivery."**_

_"I don't want you to go."_

It took a few seconds longer before Amy texted back, " _ **You don't?"**_

He tapped on the door... ... - .- -.- / .- .. - ... / - .

Amy creaked the door open. She looked up at him. Her eyes were red and her cheeks wet, but she had a half-smile. She sniffled and asked, "You want me to stay with you?"

He tapped against the door: Yes -.- . ...

Amy's voice cracked when she asked, "Just during the pandemic?"

He pushed open the door and grabbed her by her hand. "I can't think of anyone with whom I would rather spend a global health crisis that will lead to the ultimate collapse of civilization, but no… not just because of the pandemic. You're so independent. You don't need anyone to be happy, Amy. I've been afraid to raise the subject. Afraid you'd say no, but now I have to know, I have to ask…"

He pulled her next to him and held her face so she would look at him, just as he did in their sessions when he wanted to control the situation. At that moment, he wanted to do the same. He wanted to make her stay, lock her in the apartment if he had to. But he knew now that to keep her he had to give her control. He had to be vulnerable. She could unravel him with one word and build him up with another. He spoke, his voice uncertain. "Please stay with me."

Amy put her one hand upon his chest and tapped out, "YES". His heart jumped out of his chest. He drew her into a kiss. Not a date night kiss and not a session kiss. This was new. Just because he wanted it. He had chaos around him. Uncertainty and doubt bled in the streets, but in that room, in her arms, he felt stable and calm.

He molded his mouth to hers, kissing and tasting her as never before. They had a routine. Physical intimacy on session nights and romantic kisses on date night, but this was new. He wanted her, not in a fantasy, not in a timid date night kiss. He wanted Moxie, the first woman he had ever loved, he wanted Amy, the only woman he would ever love.

She was shy at first. It was almost as if the woman who had been tied to bed last week in a full Princess Leia costume had forgotten what it was like to have her clothes removed. But Sheldon was patient. He went at her pace. Cardigan after Cardigan fell to the floor as he slipped off his shoes and undid his belt. He could not stop kissing her as he plucked at her blouse buttons.

Amy's electrified anticipation of his touch fueled his urgency. Thankfully, she undid her own bra, while still kissing him, and they fell onto their bed. Sheldon had been waiting for a special day to gift Amy his genitals and had planned to do this on her birthday in December, but he realized that there was no need for a special day, as it would always be special with Amy.

It could have been the intimacy sessions making each other accustomed to their gentle touch, or the proximity during the lockdown, but when he entered her and they became one, it didn't feel unnatural, as he suspected it might. The charged sensation of merging with her felt better than any session they had played through. Amy screamed out, and he swelled with elation, not just because of the overwhelming feeling, but because he didn't need a fantasy to touch her; no role-playing, no costumes or complicated plot. Just he and Amy.

They collapsed together, in the mid-afternoon, like young lovers out of one of Amy's romance novels. Never in all his days did Sheldon ever think he'd be the one pulling a woman back to bed, begging her to play hooky from work, and stay with him. But she smiled her wicked smile agreeing with him, that practice makes perfect and returned to his arms. Never did he think 'making woo' would be this remarkable, this natural.

Perhaps if he had met Amy another way, a more personal way, he might just have accepted her company as his due, or worse, taken take her presence for granted. However, the pandemic had thrown them together and pushed their already perfect relationship into overdrive. In an alternate universe, Sheldon might have never found her, but he pushed that terrible thought out of his head. There wasn't a universe he wasn't with her.

 _ **Impossible**_.

As Amy nuzzled in the crux of his shoulder and played with the smattering of his chest hair, she wondered how she found herself here. 5 years ago, after a blind date stood her up, she had given up on dating. When she was a young girl without friends, she had feared that she might be too needy, too hungry for a man's touch, a friend's laugh. She'd even joked she might end up in a cult. As she grew older and wiser, she had known she didn't really need anyone to be happy, and she had been right. She didn't. But she had dreamed about a man like Sheldon, someone she could mentally challenge, and more importantly someone who could challenge her intellectually. Someone who was her equal. Now she didn't know she could be this happy, this content. All those years focusing on herself had prepared her for this moment. She just had one thing to learn: How to tell this man no.

 _ **Impossible**_.

#

In the heatwave of early September, temperatures rose to over 108 degrees. Though the cost was exorbitant Sheldon and Amy found bonded safe movers who would pack her whole apartment themselves and bring it all to 4A. As she would not be there personally, she had to supervise virtually via webcam since Sheldon insisted that only the movers contend with the apartment's poor ventilation system.

"I know its heavy, but please use extra packing on the harp… Yes… That's my good fondue pot… I know… No… there wasn't a grandma living here. Yes… Yes. I know it's a toothbrush in the nightstand, but don't put it with the bathroom supplies."

Amy covered her camera and leaned over to tell Sheldon, "This is ridiculous. I should be there."

"Nonsense! Penny and Leonard say these guys are completely trustworthy. They promised they'd wear masks and gloves. They even helped Bert move into his new girlfriend's house."

"Bert? They guy who sent us the "Geology Rocks" t-shirts as an 'official moving in together present?"

Sheldon forced a smile and said, "Um.. yes…See? Everything will be fine."

Just then Amy heard a crash and snapped her view back to see a box labeled 'glasses' in a crumpled heap at the foot a burly mover. Sheldon shrugged sheepishly and hurried to order Amy new glasses.

During October, the whole gang became addicted to the game Among Us, an online game where a group of people are on a space ship and one person is an imposter who kills the rest of the crew. Sheldon loved being able to kill all his friends but never could master the art of not giving away that he was the imposter nor going through vents which he called unsanitary. Amy, however, for some reason was never suspected and had a winning streak. They had to stop playing when Bernadette's competitive streak became a hazard to Howard who worried she might kill him in real life.

By November, with the uncertainty of the election behind them, and after a 45-minute lecture from Bernadette including a detailed analysis that showed the vaccine trial results Sheldon and Amy agreed that if one was developed, they would volunteer for testing but only so long as they could be more professionally involved in the experiment.

For Thanksgiving, instead of a dry turkey, Sheldon and Amy were thankful for promising results from the first vaccine trials. They had also received some amazing news; their paper which was making the rounds in the Scientific Journals had caught the attention of the Nobel Committee.

That good news left Sheldon struggling to come up with something extra special for her birthday. He had ordered a special costume for their session that night, but he wanted to give her a more personal present as well since she already owned his genitals. So, as was now common practice, he asked Amy for her opinion. However, she just smiled her saucy smile, making him blush, and said she now had everything she had ever wanted. All she really needed was a haircut, which Sheldon agreed to, on the condition that it was given by Penny, that she wear a full hazmat suit and that the apartment be locked down again for a week. Amy agreed. She was looking forward to being able to see her old self in the mirror. But Amy did almost regret that Sheldon would no longer look like her own personal Loki.

When Penny arrived at the apartment, she noticed the Christmas tree. Penny asked, "How did you get him to celebrate Christmas? I had to get a napkin from Leonard Nimoy to get him to not be such a Grinch."

Amy giggled surveying their apartment entirely covered in Christmas decorations, and the very special tree that sported every Science Fiction character that Amy and Sheldon had role-played over their intimacy sessions.

She tossed around her new bob haircut, feeling a breeze on her neck for the first time, and said in a low husky voice, "I have grown such a fondness of Science Fiction. For example… Star Trek… I love the costume that 7of 9 wears."

Amy smiled at Sheldon whose jaw dropped.

Penny laughed through her mask as she carefully clipped Sheldon's hair. "I never would have guessed that you were one of these guys."

"We watch it every week." Amy winked at Sheldon.

"I get bored with those shows," Penny admitted.

Amy shrugged and said as she stared at Sheldon. "Every Sci fi has whimsy. It's just like Christmas, but with presents you can unwrap over and over…" Amy licked the egg nog from her lips, and seductively looked at Sheldon, who was just having the finishing touches to his hair tidied up, "… and over again."

Sheldon threw off the cape Penny had placed over his shoulders and started to push her out of the apartment, "That's it, Penny. Thanks for the hair cut!"

"Wait, I didn't get your neck clean!" Penny said holding her razor as she was shoved towards the door.

Amy called out, "Don't worry!" She smiled at Sheldon, "I'll get it clean."

Sheldon slammed the door, and swooped Amy in his arms. "Oof!"

Sheldon growled into her neck and said in husky voice, "You vixen! You know it's Thursday."

Amy kissed his clean neck, and said, "Thursday… December 17th… My birthday."

Sheldon lifted her off the ground and carried her to the bedroom. "You peeked at your present! You've been very naughty. I might need to implement the punishment." He smacked playfully on her butt.

"HOO!"

For Christmas, Amy arranged a Victorian dinner, including delicious cookies thanks to the recipe provided by Meemaw herself, who thought Amy was the berries, but that could have been the lousy Texan internet connection that kept freezing Meemaw's face on every strained smile. Mary Cooper had sent Sheldon a present that he wanted to open right away, but he refused to show it to Amy. "Just some family trinket."

On New Year's Eve, Amy had managed to negotiate with Sheldon that he would consider leaving the apartment once the new infection rate was less than 10 cases per day. By mid-April, it was 3, and they were all in Georgia. The government officially declared the pandemic over, but Sheldon was not so optimistic.

After three vaccinations, four Antibody tests, and one hard won battle over mask requirements, Sheldon eventually agreed to leave the apartment. Their heated argument led to an even more impassioned make-out session which Sheldon hoped would take Amy's mind off the notion of breaking quarantine, that did not work, so finally he acquiesced.

Their first trip outside in twelve months was to the comic book store at which Amy happily dropped Sheldon, and told him that she was meeting the girls at the Hot Crossed Buns club. Sheldon reminded her not to fill up on cake, she didn't correct him.

#

On an unusually cold day for California in May, Amy sped through the streets of Eagle Rock to retrieve her phone. She had been unable to find it that morning and thought she must have she must have dropped it after her night out with the girls. Sheldon could not resist giving a stern lecture on keeping track of her things to which she kindly told him to stuff it.

She had used her "find your phone app" to locate it and oddly, the phone was located in a coffee shop. Some kind stranger must have found it and dropped it there.

She collected her phone from the attendant, who looked familiar, but Amy couldn't place her. As soon as she had had her phone, it buzzed an incoming text from an unknown. She looked at the message:

" _Hello lost phone. This is the Good Samaritan who found you. I hope it has found its original owner and has not been kept by the unfriendly coffee barista with the unfortunate name."_

Amy looked over at the girl struggling with making a latte, and read her name tag: Demona.

Amy texted back with a big smile, " _ **Yes. Thank you for rescuing me from a horrible fate."**_

The phone buzzed again: " _It's so nice when someone does an unexpected good deed, that it seems as if a simple thank you just doesn't seem enough."_

Amy smiled as she thought back to the first day she had communicated with Sheldon. She was fairly certain that the texts were from him.

" _ **No, it doesn't. As a matter of fact, the last time I was lost, a kindly stranger found it and returned me to my grateful owner."**_

" _That wasn't after a wedding was it?"_

" _ **Why yes… it was."**_ Amy giggled and hunted around for a familiar face, but she was alone, except for Demona and her incessant gun popping.

" _So, you might be averse to weddings given your sordid history."_

She texted back furiously, " _ **While I don't object to the concept of a wedding, I am baffled by the notion of one that takes place at a bowling alley."**_

Amy poked her head outside to see if she could see anyone, but still no one was around. Though she felt she knew the answer, she still had to ask just to see what he would say, " _ **Who is this?"**_

" _You can call me Marsupialophile."_

Amy smile grew ever wider, and she wrote back as fast as her hands could type. _**"You may call me Moxie."**_

" _Hello, Moxie. Back to the topic of weddings. If you were to attend one, say not in a bowling alley, which is loud and has terrible food, would you reconsider your original assessment?"_

" _ **I'd have to know the person first."**_

Amy looked up when the bell rang on the door. Sheldon entered the shop. He didn't say a word, but typed on his phone and hit send. His devilish smirk nearly dropped Amy to her knees. She didn't want to break her gaze, but looked down for a moment to see what he had typed.

" _Hello. I'm Sheldon Cooper._

" _ **Hello, Sheldon. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler."**_

He had finally mastered typing while not looking at the keyboard. As his fingers worked over the phone he stepped closer to her. He hit send and pulled in his thin lips. His almond eyes nearly eclipsed his face.

Amy held her breath and read his message _. "Now that we are acquainted. May I ask you a question?"_

Amy didn't type, she held her phone to her chest and nodded, unable to take her eyes off him. Sheldon typed out a message and hit send.

" _Will you marry me?"_

Sheldon pulled a small box out of his pocket and before he could get down on one knee, Amy threw her phone down and jumped into his arms. When she had finished peppering him with kisses, he finally was able to speak.

"You didn't answer! Amy! Demona is looking! Amy…"


	24. Final Call

**Epilogue**

** _Now it's time, my fanficateers for the final part of our story!_ **

* * *

**Saturday, December 12th, 2020**

Sheldon sat on the couch, blowing his hair out of his face. The only way he could get it out of his face was to put his hair back in a ponytail. Amy was in a worse state. Her long hair had turned to dreads. Penny would be coming over on Thursday (masked out like a surgeon) to give them their first haircut in over six months and it couldn't come too soon.

To Sheldon's mind, the worst part about sheltering in place was not the lack of hair salons, but the lack of an efficient delivery service resulting in poor customer service. Sheldon had ordered a new outfit for their last intimacy session. Instead of getting his Doctor Who outfits complete with a vibrating sonic screwdriver he received two Hippy costumes. How one could mix up Tom Baker and Sarah Jane with some woman named 'Mary Jane' and the hippy essayist Tom Wolfe was a mystery.

"In what universe would I wear torn jeans, Amy! This is intolerable! Look at these boots! I can only take so much! What if someone sees us looking like hippies?"

Amy adjusted the top to her strapless sundress. She hated the stupid rainbow cloth that itched like an angora sweater in summer, but she was going to put on a good face for Sheldon.

He was pretty upset over the mix up with the order and their lost bet. Howard had heard about Amy and Sheldon's extensive costume collection through the grapevine and at last Saturday's Skype game he had bet Sheldon that if they lost that game, that Sheldon and Amy would have to wear their next costume on camera. Sheldon had agreed, knowing that even if he lost, he'd get to show off his Tom Baker outfit that had been ordered for their Thursday session.

The four teams consisted of Amy and Sheldon, Penny and Leonard, Raj and his wife, and finally, Howard and Bert as no one wanted to play with Bernadette because she was so competitive. Howard was still sporting bruises from the last game they had lost. Sheldon thought there was no way he could lose. He was wrong. They lost miserably. Who knew Sheldon would be so terrible at Pictionary.

And to add insult to injury Bert had insisted that Sheldon wear the geology shirt he had sent over in September.

Amy told Sheldon that they only had to wear the clothes during their scheduled Skype call with the group. Sheldon had tried to persuade Amy to pretend their internet was down, or at least wear one of the other costumes as no one would be any the wiser. But Amy just shook her head and scolded him, "You made the bet, you lost it. Now we have to pay up. You just can't draw a potato and think we will get it's a neutron star! That's impossible."

"I think you're blind." Sheldon snapped.

"I think you're a terrible sport!" Amy snapped back, twice as hard.

He turned to Amy, "And why do they know about our Thursday's costumes, anyway." Sheldon had long boasted to the guys about his ability to get his girlfriend into science fiction. However, his boasting caused the guy's curiosity to peak, which led to a discussion of their Thursday evenings. Sheldon had hoped Amy hadn't had such loose lips as he concerning their sex life, but girls do love to talk.

Amy went back to watering her new plant and said sheepishly, "I don't know. It's a mystery." She tried to change the subject. "Anyway, like I said, we just need to wear these clothes for a short while and then we can go back to our normal attire." She looked over to the coffee table. He had set up the strange-looking beaker given to them as early Christmas present from Raj's new wife. "I don't think that is a Bunsen burner Sheldon. That smells terrible. What is that?"

"Raj's wife said it was something to help us relax. I can't believe she thought we would like incense. I think the fumes are making me loopy. Smells like a skunk rolled in a pine tree. Just like those brownies she sent over with it for us try. God, I'm glad we decided to dump them."

"Leave that alone for now and come look at this…" As all her plants had died prior to the move, Amy had grown a huge plant in the living room. "I think those seeds that Raj's new wife gave me are finally producing flowers. Do you think this is a maple tree?"

"I'm no botanist, Amy, but I think that five-leaf plant is going to grow too large for the apartment. Kill it before it gets too large and strangles us in our sleep!"

Just then a crackling sound filled the room, then a spark. A hint of burning cooper filled the room, and a large circle of light opened in the middle of the living room. Like a mirror, Amy and Sheldon saw copies of themselves. Though their copies were wearing normal clothes, and the copy of Amy had rather long hair, but other than that, they were identical. They were seated on the leather couch, with a large whiteboard behind them: "Sheldon Cooper presents Fun with Interdimensional Travel."

The other Amy waved nervously to Amy and then the image abruptly ended.

Sheldon looked over to his Amy who was so stunned by their shared hallucination that she had poured the entire contents of her watering can on the floor.

"What was that!?"

"Either we just witnessed an example of a portal between alternate universes or this pandemic is finally making us crack! Either way…we are getting that incense burner and that demon plant out of here!"

* * *

**Well, Folks did you guess who it was? Just a reminder of the end of Sheldon Six.**

**Sheldon Seven? Is that you?**

* * *

After the threesome had left, Sheldon was just about to put the machine away, when a sneaky grin appeared on his face, "Hey, let's do a wild card! Just see who's out there! I bet we can get a Sheldon who actually has robot minions!"

Amy grinned at her husband, "I thought you made fun of Number One when he asked if you had those!"

"I did! But that doesn't mean I don't want to see them! Let's try! Come on… Amy! PLEASE!" Sheldon gave Amy those soulful eyes that she could never resist.

"OKAY! Just once! Perhaps we will find an Amy who plays the harp for the Philharmonic!"

"OR maybe we are comic book heroes!"

Amy shook her head, "Sheldon… that's silly!" Then she asked with a curious smile, "But… what powers would I have?"

"Hmm… reading minds for sure, although I think you already have that now! Perhaps power over monkeys, oh and a stunning green outfit!"

Amy clapped her hands together gleefully, "Oh that would be marvelous! You could… be well…" Amy tapped her chin to think, "I can't think what would make you better…"

Sheldon beamed at his wife, "You got that right… except…" Sheldon nearly jumped with excitement, "Oh I got it, a Sheldon who has four arms!"

"Four arms!? Why on earth would you want that?"

Sheldon bit his bottom lip and said with a coy grin, "Well, besides the obvious in being able to play video games while typing my memoirs, there are other reasons…" Sheldon raised his brows and Amy pushed him away with a playful tease.

"I think Sheldon Three has returned!"

"As long as it not Sheldon Two, I think we are safe." Sheldon fixed the machine, "Now, let's see who is out there!"

Sheldon turned on the machine and the hum filled the room. Sheldon and Amy wore beaming smiles till they saw the image that appeared in front of them. Seated on the couch, was a familiar couple of faces, however, that was all that was similar.

Sheldon Seven, as he was now called, had long unruly hair, tied in a loose ponytail. His torn jeans and worn boots could have been forgiven, but the T-shirt with the words, "GEOLOGY ROCKS" blazoned across it was too much. Amy was just as horrified when she saw her counterpart sporting a tight-fitting strapless sundress that looked like a rainbow had thrown up on it, watering some exotic plant she realized later was cannabis. Amy Seven had long dreadlocks and looked as if she hadn't bathed in a week. Amy swore she could smell the smoking bong on the coffee table.

After a nervous wave, Amy reached over and flicked off the machine, just as Sheldon had done to poor Sheldon Two. However, Sheldon was relieved to say the least.

"OH dear lord! How is that possible!?"

"I don't know, but you are NOT putting that thing on random again!"

"Agreed!"

* * *

_**Thank you guys so much for all your support and reviews. I really thought I would post a new story and no one would read since I have been gone for so long.** _

_**(PS I have been gone from Fan Fiction because I was working on my own book. It's a love story set in Bletchley Park where they cracked the Enigma Code. I love it since my characters are very similar to Shamy. Its taken me years to work on it, and I am on the final edit. I will be posting updates to a website soon and hopefully announce when I have it published! If you follow me in InstaGram, Ill post updates there.)** _

_**I really wanted to thank you all for your reviews, your follows, your favorites and just being the kindest and supportive fandom ever. There's no drama in Shamy land, folks. Just love and support and you guys really prove that. Thanks again for your reviews on this story.** _

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave me a comment so I know you're here. I have no idea how this site works very well. I will post on both platforms. Thanks in advance!


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